Boo muthaf**ka! It’s Halloween!
And this week, I’m sinking these bad boys in yo momma with "Dracula," by Bram Stoker. Grrrr.
Now the story of my boy Drac ain’t told like most
cuz we gettin the beat on this blood-suckin playa from a bunch of letters and other scribbles.
Now it all started when Jonathan Harker arrive in Transylvania to take care of some bidness.
But when the local po folk hear he headin to the phat crib of Count Dracula, they all start wiggin out.
On the real, the count seem like yo regular uptown gangsta — until John cuts himself shaving. Oh sh*t!
When John start recognizin that Castle Dracula is bout the craziest damn place he ever seen, he like,
“I gotta get my white ass outta here.”
Later, Harker’s woman Mina headin out to visit her homegirl Lucy.
And this dip’s milkshake bringin all da boys to the yard.
But since two of em just scrubs, she decide to get down with Arthur.
Sh*t gets real creepy when some hoopty-ass boat from Castle Dracula gets wrecked on shore.
The only thing left are 50 boxes of dirt, a big-ass pooch that up and disappears,
and a dead body strapped to the ship.
One night Lucy start sleepwalkin — like she do — and Mina follows her to a graveyard,
where some hood-ass playa gettin all up in her sh*t.
Dat mystery-brutha disappear, leavin two bite marks on Lucy’s neck, and now she gettin sick as hell.
So Seward hit up his old teach, Van Helsing, who take one look at her crusty ass and like,
“Yeah. Something’s f**ked up right here.”
To save her, Van Helsing, Seward, Quincy, and Arthur straight open a vein for this broad.
But dat ain’t do a damn thing, and she dies.
When Van Helsing hear dat some crazy crackhead been bustin up litle kids,
he goes to Lucy’s boy-toys and drops a bomb on they asses:
They need to merc Lucy again, cuz she’s become a vampire.
After tearin dat bitch up, Van Helsing’s boys crew up with Mina and John to go after da big dawg himself —
Count D.
But before they can make a move, Dracula gets the jump on Mina,
makes her sip some of his vampire juice, and now she one step closer to goin out like Lucy.
Our boys only hope of savin Mina is to ice the big D,
and the only way to do dat is to sniff out erry one of his dirt-nap boxes and take dem bitches out.
Dracula trucks his pasty ass back to Transylvania,
and eventually, Van Helsing and the gang catch up to him and shank dat sucka.
So when Mina and John have themselves a little G of they own,
they name him after the whole crew and call him Quincey, since their boy went down fighting the big D.
Even though a blood-sucking white boy sounds scary to this thug,
that ain’t all that was makin those Victorians piss themselves.
To them, the real monster was seein a sexually liberated woman — mmh — doin her thang.
Dat girl Lucy’s the perfect example of what put skid marks in the Victorian’s drawers —
not only is she so fly dat she got three horn dogs hollerin at dat ass,
but she’s also exchangin fluids with four dudes on the DL!
And what’s the problem when a woman’s sexuality is let off da chain?
The tight-ass image of the Victorian mother falls to sh*t,
and we see a sexy vampire Lucy straight tossin babies. And if they can’t control her, they gotta kill her.
And to this G, that’s one of the reasons they able to save Mina —
she's the true, blue Victorian wifey who just wanna help her hubby out.
But dat ain’t all, B. One of da reasons this book continues to scare bruthas today
is cuz Dracula always remindin us that things may not be what they seem.
Dracula may talk real fancy and be decked out in sweet swag like yo average rich Victorian,
but he really a stone-cold, blood-chuggin gangsta. You can’t judge a book by its cover, man.
And in a society that’s so set on breakin a brutha down just by lookin at em,
there ain’t nothin mo scary than someone who defies stereotypes. Naw Mean?
Wanna see, hear, and understand? You gotta hit dat subscribe button, yo.
Catch ya later. Peace.