WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE MISSED YOU GUYS.
WE'VE REALLY MISSED YOU GUYS.
WE'VE BEEN OFF THE AIR FOR THE LAST SEVEN... YEARS?
FEELS LIKE.
>> Jon: FEELS LIKE IT.
>> Stephen: SO THIS IS OUR FIRST SHOW OF THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
YOU EVER REGRET GOING ON VACATION?
( LAUGHTER ) "TAKE THE WEEK OFF, THEY SAID.
AMERICA WILL STILL BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK.
THEY SAID.
HOW MUCH COULD HE DO IN A WEEK?" WE WERE HERE FOR THE
INAUGURATION SHOW RIGHT AFTER THAT.
EVERYBODY SAID, WHETHER YOU VOTED FOR HIM OR NOT, YOU KNOW,
PEOPLE SAID, YOU KNOW, LET'S NOT WORRY TOO MUCH, OKAY?
>> Jon: MM-HMM.
>> Stephen: LET'S WAIT AND SEE.
WELL, WE DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT TOO LONG.
( LAUGHTER ) THE LINE MOVES SO FAST ON THIS
RIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERY DAY YOU JUST GET RIGHT
BACK ON THAT ROLLERCOASTER AND START THROWING UP.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT THE FAST PASS!
( PIANO RIFF ) RIGHT THIS WAY.
( APPLAUSE ) YOU GOT TO GIVE THE GUY CREDIT.
HE CAN CREELLY GET A LOT OF STUFF UNDONE.
FROM OBAMACARE TO CLIMATE CHANGE TO TORTURE, HE'S ALREADY MOVED
THE COUNTRY BACK TO 2004.
IF THIS KEEPS UP, PRETTY SOON, I'M GOING TO LAUNCH THE "COLBERT
REPORT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO, YOU CAN'T SUSTAIN A SHOW
LIKE THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS GUY TRUMP -- IS THAT HIS
NAME, TRUMP?
>> Jon: MM-HMM.
THIS GUY IS THE USAIN BOLT OF EXECUTIVE ORDERS.
THE LATEST IS THE ORDER BANNING ANY REFUGEES FROM ENTERING THE
COUNTRY FOR 120 DAYS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) NOW, KEEP IN MIND --
THERE ARE CURRENTLY MORE REFUGEES THAN AT ANY TIME SINCE
WORLD WAR II, AND TRUMP JUST SLAMMED THE DOOR.
EXPLAINS WHY THE POEM ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY NOW READS,
"DON'T LET IT HIT YA WHERE THE GOOD LORD SPLIT YA."
( LAUGHTER ) STILL RHYMES.
IT'S PITHY.
NOW, THIS BAN TOOK EFFECT IMMEDIATELY AND IT CAUGHT A LOT
OF PEOPLE BY SURPRISE.
LIKE TWO CHRISTIAN FAMILIES WHO HAD PLANNED THEIR DEPARTURE FROM
SYRIA FOR YEARS, SECURED ALL THEIR VISAS, AND THEN WERE
DETAINED AT PHILADELPHIA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT AND THEN
PUT ON A RETURN FLIGHT TO DAMASCUS.
( BOOING ) THAT'S LIKE SAYING... WELCOME TO
TRUMP'S AMERICA, A SHINING CITY ON A... PSYCH!
( LAUGHTER ) AND AT DULLES AIRPORT, A
FIVE-YEAR-OLD IRANIAN BOY WAS DETAINED FOR HOURS AND KEPT FROM
HIS MOTHER.
OR AS KELLYANNE CONWAY CALLS IT, "ALTERNATIVE DAYCARE."
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S A REASONABLE TERM!
IT'S A REASONABLE TERM!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: MAN!
>> Stephen: NOW, ALL OF THIS IS UPSETTING, IF
YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
WHICH IS WHY TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PROTESTORS SPONTANEOUSLY
DEMONSTRATED AT AIRPORTS ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOOK AT THAT.
TENS OF THOUSANDS.
>> Jon: THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW ANGRY PEOPLE
HAVE TO BE TO VOLUNTARILY GO TO J.F.K?
( LAUGHTER ) JUST WALK TO YOUR DESTINATION.
IT'S QUICKER.
PEOPLE WERE SO ANGRY THAT AT SEATTLE'S SEATAC AIRPORT, POLICE
RELEASED PEPPER SPRAY INTO THE CROWD.
STILL HEALTHIER THAN PANDA EXPRESS.
AND THERE WAS OUTRAGE ALL OVER THE WORLD.
A MEMBER OF IRAQ'S PARLIAMENT SAID THAT FOLLOWING THE BAN, "IT
IS VERY LIKELY THAT IRAQ WILL STOP GRANTING U.S. CITIZENS
ENTRY VISAS."
SORRY KIDS, THERE GOES SPRING BREAK IN FALLUJAH.
THOUGH, HONESTLY, WHEN DID THE U.S. EVER ASK PERMISSION TO
ENTER IRAQ?
>> WHOA!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, TRUMP
RESPONDED TO CRITICISM THAT THE PLAN WAS RUSHED, TWEETING,
"IF THE BAN WERE ANNOUNCED WITH A ONE-WEEK NOTICE, THE "BAD"
WOULD RUSH INTO OUR COUNTRY DURING THAT WEEK.
A LOT OF BAD "DUDES" OUT THERE."
I DON'T THINK PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS EVER "USED" QUOTATION MARKS
"BEFORE."
( LAUGHTER ) NOT SURE.
BUNNY EAR.
UNBUNY EAR.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S JUST KIND OF SPRINKLED IN THERE.
HE JUST THROWS QUOTATIONS IN THERE -- THERE, THAT'LL MAKE IT
TASTY!
AND "BAD DUDES?" IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE
MOST EVIL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, THAT'S PRETTY FLIPPANT, SIR.
THERE'S A REASON WINSTON CHURCHILL DIDN'T SAY, "WE SHALL
FIGHT THE DUDES ON THE BEACHES, WE SHALL FIGHT THE BROS ON THE
LANDING GROUNDS, WE SHALL FIGHT THE HOMIES IN THE FIELDS AND IN
THE STREETS.
SHAKA BRAH!" ( LAUGHTER )
SHAKA BRAH!
( APPLAUSE ) AND ON "CBS THIS MORNING" THIS
MORNING WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR STEVE MILLER EXPLAINED THAT THE
PROTESTS ARE ACTUALLY A GOOD SIGN.
>> IF NOBODY'S DISAGREEING WITH WHAT YOU'RE DOING, THEN YOU'RE
PROBABLY NOT DOING ANYTHING THAT REALLY MATTERS.
>> Stephen: YEAH, IF THE MEDICINE DIDN'T
KILL HALF THE PATIENTS, HOW GOOD OF A DOCTOR COULD YOU BE?
( APPLAUSE ) BESIDES, THIS WEEKEND WASN'T
CHAOTIC AT ALL.
AS A WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL SAID LAST NIGHT, "IT REALLY IS A
MASSIVE SUCCESS STORY IN TERMS OF IMPLEMENTATION ON EVERY
SINGLE LEVEL."
AND YOU KNOW IT WAS A MASSIVE SUCCESS BECAUSE HE SPOKE ON THE
CONDITION OF ANONYMITY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S A GREAT SIGN!
YOU'RE ALWAYS PROUDEST OF THE THINGS YOU WON'T PUT YOUR NAME
ON.
"I KNOW WE'RE THE CHAMPIONS OF DENYING REFUGEES SHELTER, BUT IS
THERE ANY WAY WE COULD LEAVE THAT TROPHY BLANK?
AND THIS WASN'T THE ONLY THING THAT HAS ME UPSET.
TRUMP'S TOP POLITICAL ADVISER AND THE HANDSOMEST GUY AT THE
LIQUOR STORE, STEVE BANNON, ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ABOVE THE JOINT CHIEFS!
IT'S NOT NORMAL TO PUT A POLITICAL STRATEGIST IN A ROOM
WHERE GLOBAL LIFE OR DEATH DECISIONS ARE MADE.
BUSH DIDN'T EVEN DO IT WITH ROVE!
TEARED BLUESUM DIDN'T EVEN GET THE GIG!
THE WHITE HOUSE HAS COME TO BANNON'S DEFENSE, BY POINTING
OUT THAT HE WAS IN THE NAVY.
GREAT.
IN THE NAVY.
NOW THEY'VE JUST GOT TO ADD THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER, THE
LEATHERMAN AND THE INDIAN CHIEF AND HOLD THE MEETINGS AT THE
Y.M.C.A.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( SINGING Y.M.C.A. ) >> Stephen: MIKE PENCE IS NOT
GOING TO LIKE THAT PART.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THAT'S NOT THE THING THAT'S
MOST PERSONALLY UPSETTING TO ME.
HE RECENTLY DESCRIBED TRUMP VOTERS AS "THE WORKING-CLASS
HOBBITS."
HEY -- NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.
YOU MIGHT BE THE DARK MEDIA GENIUS BEHIND THE BIGGEST
ELECTORAL UPSET IN AMERICAN HISTORY, YOU MIGHT BE PLAYING
FOOTSIE WITH NEO-NAZIS, BUT NOW WE'RE TALKING TOLKIEN.
AND THAT'S A SUBJECT I HAPPEN TO KNOW JUST A LITTLE BIT ABOUT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SORRY, STEVE BANNON, IF THAT IS
YOUR REAL NECK, THERE IS NO WORKING CLASS IN HOBBITON --
IT'S AN AGRARIAN SOCIETY.
THE ONLY WORKING CLASS CITIZEN OF HOBBITON IS TED SANDYMAN, THE
MILLER.
AND HE'S THE BAD GUY-- HE SCOFFED AT SAMWISE GAMGEE, SAID
BILBO WAS CRACKED AND ALLIED WITH SARUMAN IN THE SCOURING OF
THE SHIRE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO STEVE BANNON, WHEN IT COMES
TO HOBBITS, MAYBE YOU SHOULD SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LISTEN FOR A
WHILE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: LAY IT UP!
LAY IT UP!
>> Stephen: THE RESTRAINT I AM SHOWING RIGHT NOW --
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE NEXT ITEM ON
TRUMP'S TO-DO LIST IS PICKING SOMEONE FOR THE SUPREME COURT.
AND TODAY TRUMP ANNOUNCED THE HE HAS, UM, A BIG DECISION AND, UH,
THAT HE HAS MADE, A VERY BIG DECISION.
>> WE HAVE A BIG DECISION AND, UH, THAT I HAVE MADE, VERY BIG
DECISION ON THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT THAT IS GOING TO
BE ANNOUNCED TOMORROW NIGHT FROM THE WHITE HOUSE AT 8:00 O'CLOCK.
>> STEPHEN: YES, TRUMP WILL BE ANNOUNCING HIS SUPREME COURT
PICK TOMORROW AT 8:00 P.M., LIVE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE!
IT'LL BE THE MOST EXCITING SUPREME COURT ANNOUNCEMENT SINCE
JUSTICE KAGAN BURST THROUGH A BANNER AT THE SUPERBOWL.
HALF TIME SHOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND JUST TO DRIVE THE HYPE,
TRUMP HAS RELEASED THIS AD TO PROMOTE THE ANNOUNCEMENT.
>> THIS TUESDAY AT 8:00 P.M., ENTERTAINMENT GETS SUPREME!
FROM EXECUTIVE PRODUCER DONALD TRUMP, IT'S SUPREME COURT
DOMINATION 2017!
WHO-WILL-TRUMP-CHOOSE?!
HOW MANY JOBS CAN STEVE BANNON HAVE?
THIS SUPREME COURT IS GOING TO RULE!
BROUGHT TO YOU BY NITRO PCS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
LESLIE MANN IS HERE.
SO STICK AROUND!
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )