LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE COUNTRY--
THIS GREAT COUNTRY OF OURS IS ABUZZ ABOUT THE TELEVISED
JANUARY 6th HEARINGS.
TODAY, THE COMMITTEE MEMBERS TOOK A DAY OFF TO EXPLAIN DRUNK
GIULIANI TO THEIR CHILDREN.
"YOU SEE, KIDS, WHEN A MAN AND A BOTTLE LOVE EACH OTHER VERY
MUCH, THEY EXCHANGE A SPECIAL KISS."
( LAUGHTER )
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WERE PLANNING TO TUNE IN TO THE
HEARINGS TOMORROW MORNING FOR THE LATEST CHAPTER, BECAUSE
THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE HAS POSTPONED WEDNESDAY'S HEARING.
THEY PROMISED US HEARINGS!
WE AN'T LET THEM GET AWAY WITH THIS!
I'M STORMING THE CAPITOL!
WHO'S WITH ME?!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I MAY HAVE MISSED THE SPIRIT OF THIS WHOLE THING.
THE REASON FOR THE DELAY IS, EVIDENTLY, TECHNICAL ISSUES.
AS CALIFORNIA REPRESENTATIVE ZOE LOFGREN EXPLAINED:
>> PUTTING TOGETHER THE VIDEO AND EXHIBITS IS AN
EXHAUSTING EXERCISE FOR OUR VERY SMALL VIDEO STAFF.
SO WE'RE TRYING TO-- WE WERE GOING TO HAVE ONE, TWO, THREE IN
ONE WEEK, AND IT IS JUST-- IT IS TOO MUCH TO PUT IT ALL TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
SO YOU HAVE TO POSTPONE SAVING DEMOCRACY BECAUSE YOUR VIDEO
STAFF IS OVERWHELMED?
IT'S LIKE PAUL REVERE'S FAMOUS CRY:
"ERROR 404: HORSE NOT FOUND."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
COME ON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
COME ON, LOFGREN.
YOU'RE POSTPONING BECAUSE YOUR POOR WIDDLE VIDEO TEAM IS
TIE-TIE?
I'VE GOT A VIDEO TEAM HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW," AND I RIDE THEM
LIKE A BORROWED MULE AND PUT THEM AWAY WET.
THEY PUT TOGETHER CLIPS FIVE NIGHTS A WEEK UNDER INHUMAN
CONDITIONS-- BY WHICH I MEAN WATCHING FOX NEWS.
THESE FOLKS HAVE SEEN--
IT'S AWFUL!
THESE FOLKS HAVE SEEN TUCKER CARLSON'S FACE MORE THAN
THEIR OWN CHILDREN!
AND THEY CAN HANDLE ANYTHING I THROW AT THEM.
WATCH THIS: VIDEO TEAM, CAN I GET SOME
FOOTAGE OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT REFUSING TO SAY HE'LL ACCEPT THE
ELECTION RESULTS MONTHS BEFORE THE VOTE?
GO!
>> CAN YOU GIVE A DIRECT ANSWER?
YOU WILL ACCEPT THE ELECTION?
>> I HAVE TO SEE.
LOOK, YOU... I HAVE TO SEE!
>> Stephen: NAILED IT.
OKAY, HOW ABOUT SOME FOOTAGE OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT LASHING OUT
AT PERCEIVED ENEMIES?
>> I DON'T LIKE MOSQUITOS!
>> Stephen: YES!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
GOOD JOB!
NOW FOOTAGE OF MARK MEADOWS TRYING TO SCRUB AWAY EVIDENCE OF
HS INVOLVEMENT IN THE COUP!
PERFECT!
♪ ♪ ♪ PERFECT!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
OF COURSE, I'M STILL DIGESTING YESTERDAY'S BOMBSHELL THAT THE
FORMER PRESIDENT DEMANDED HIS FOLLOWERS DONATE TO SOMETHING
CALLED THE "OFFICIAL ELECTION DEFENSE FUND," WHICH RAISED
A QUARTER OF A BILLION DOLLARS.
AND, SURPRISE-SURPRISE, THE COMMITTEE DISCOVERED THAT THE
WHOLE THING WAS A GRIFT.
>> AS THE SELECT COMMITTEE HAS DEMONSTRATED, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN
KNEW THESE CLAIMS OF VOTER FRAUD WERE FALSE, YET THEY CONTINUED
TO BARRAGE SMALL-DOLLAR DONORS WITH EMAILS, ENCOURAGING THEM TO
DONATE TO SOMETHING CALLED THE "OFFICIAL ELECTION DEFENSE
FUND."
THE SELECT COMMITTEE DISCOVERED THAT NO SUCH FUND EXISTED.
>> Stephen: SO HE DUPED $250 MILLION FROM HIS MOST
PASSIONATE SUPPORTERS, AND THEN WATCHED AS THEY ALL GO TO PRISON
WHILE HE SAT IN MAR-A-LAGO DOUBLE-FISTING COCONUT SHRIMP.
AND THESE AREN'T WEALTHY PEOPLE.
YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN THEY'RE WEARING NOTHING BUT GIVEAWAY
MERCH FROM THE LOSING TEAM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO IF THERE WAS NO ELECTION DEFENSE FUND--
( APPLAUSE )
COME ON!
SO IF THERE WAS NO ELECTION DEFENSE FUND, WHERE DID THE
MONEY GO?
WELL, ACCORDING TO THE COMMITTEE, THERE WAS A
$1 MILLION DONATION TO THE PERSONAL FOUNDATION OF THE
FORMER PRESIDENT'S CHIEF OF STAFF, MARK MEADOWS.
YES, THE MEADOWS FOUNDATION IS A CHARITY THAT RAISES MONEY TO
FUND RESEARCH INTO HOW MUCH MONEY IT CAN RAISE.
( LAUGHTER )
$200,000 FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S HOTELS.
AND THAT WAS JUST GIULIANI'S BAR TAB.
OF COURSE, THEY SPREAD CASH AROUND TO THEIR FRIENDS AND FAM.
FOR INSTANCE, DON JR.'S FIANCEE, KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, WAS
PAID $60,000 FOR HER TWO-MINUTE JANUARY 6th SPEECH.
BUT IT WAS WORTH IT.
I'LL NEVER FORGET HER IMMORTAL WORDS:
YAAAHHG-HAAHHEET-AHAAAGHHH!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE--
BIG FANS.
BIG GUILFOYLE FANS.
OF COURSE, THE BIG QUESTION LOOMING OVER ALL THESE HEARINGS
IS, "SOMEONE'S GOING TO JAIL FOR THIS, RIGHT?
RIGHT, GUYS?" SOMEBODY'S GOING TO JAIL?
WE GOT A HINT LAST NIGHT FROM COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN AND MAN
SEEING THE OTHER TABLE GET THEIR GUAC, EVEN THOUGH HE ORDERED
FIRST, BENNIE THOMPSON.
REPRESENTATIVE THOMPSON TOLD REPORTERS THAT THE PANEL WILL
NOT MAKE ANY CRIMINAL REFERRAL OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OR
ANYONE ELSE TO THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT.
COUNTERPOINT: WHY NOT?
THERE'S A REASON "LAW & ORDER" DOESN'T START LIKE THIS:
>> IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM, THERE IS ONE BRANCH WHO
INVESTIGATES THE CRIMES, AND THAT'S IT.
EVERYONE GOES FREE.
DUN! DUN!
>> Stephen: NOW ONLY--
SURE.
ONLY TIME WILL TELL IF THE D.O.J. PROSECUTES ANYBODY, BUT
THE COMMITTEE HAS ALREADY ACCUSED RUDY GIULIANI OF FIRST
DEGREE BOOZE SLURPIN', WITH TENT TO CHUG-A-LUG.
COMMITTEE MEMBER JAMIE RASKIN WAS ASKED WHY THEY HIGHLIGHTED
RUDY'S INTOXICATION.
>> THE ALLEGATIONS IN THE HEARING TODAY THAT RUDY GIULIANI
WAS DRUNK ON ELECTION NIGHT, I WANTED TO UNDERSTAND FROM YOU
WHY YOU FELT IT WAS IMPORTANT TO INCLUDE?
>> I DON'T KNOW THAT IT WAS IMPORTANT TO INCLUDE, BECAUSE I
REALLY CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN, YOU KNOW, THOSE TWO
CONDITIONS FOR HIM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TO TELL, BECAUSE SOMETIMES HE'S DRUNK, AND SOMETIMES HE'S
PRETENDING HE'S NOT.
( LAUGHTER )
LATE SHOW LABS" HAS CREATED A COMPUTER RENDERING OF WHAT RUDY
GIULIANI WOULD LOOK LIKE IN THE EVENT HE BRIEFLY BECAME SOBER
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LOOKING GOOD.
LOOKING GOOD, MR. MAYOR.
ONE PERSON UNHAPPY ABOUT THE ACCUSATIONS AGAINST RUDY WAS
RUDY, WHO TODAY TWEETED: "I REFUSED ALL ALCOHOL THAT
EVENING.
MY FAVORITE DRINK...
DIET PEPSI."
( AS RUDY )
ROBUST, RED DIET PEPSI.
OR, IN THE SUMMER, A DIET PEPSI ROSE.
I ALSO ENJOY BOXED DIET PEPSI.
IT DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME NOTES AS THE BOTTLED ONE, BUT AFTER
( SLURRING )
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
UNTIL THEY FACE CONSEQUENCES, THE EX-PRESIDENT'S FAMILY IS
STILL OUT THERE PEDDLING THEIR WARES, INCLUDING ELDEST MAGA
SON, DON JR., SEEN HERE WONDERING, "HOW COME THE
AIRPLANE DOESN'T HAVE TO FLAP?"
DON JR.'S LATEST BUSINESS VENTURE IS AN HOMAGE TO HIS
DAD.
HE'S BEEN PROMOTING GOOD RANCHERS, A MAGA-FRIENDLY
MAIL-ORDER MEAT COMPANY.
HE PUT HIS ENDORSEMENT ON INTA GRAM... SORRY.
( APPLAUSE )
WHAT IS INTA-GRAM?
YOU PUT THAT UP ON THE INTA-GRAM?
YOU GOT THAT UP ON THE TITTER?
THE INTA-GRAM?
SOME DELICIOUS...
( LAUGHTER )
HE PUT HIS ENDORSEMENT ON INSTAGRAM, THE TV OF YOUR PHONE:
>> GUYS, IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT GOOD RANCHERS BEFORE, YOU
NEED TO!
THEY'RE ONE OF THE ONLY COMPANIES OUT THERE DELIVERING
100% OF MORE THAN MEAT TO YOUR DOOR 100% OF THE TIME.
>> Stephen: 100% OF THE TIME, THERE WILL BE MEAT AT YOUR DOOR.
EVERY TIME YOU OPEN IT-- BOOM-- MORE MEAT.
LIKE IT OR NOT, MEAT THERE!
YOU HAVE TO WALK OVER THE MEAT EVERY TIME.
THAT SOUNDS LESS LIKE A TREAT AND MORE LIKE A THREAT.
( MOBSTER )
I'D HATE TO SEE YOUR WIFE AND KIDS END UP WITH...
INFINITE MEAT."
DON ALSO GOT HIS FIANCEE TO PUSH HIS MEAT.
HERE'S LIBERTY--
( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S LIBERTY LOVER, KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, IN HER OWN
STEAK-SCHILLING VIDEO: >> AND WHEN THE KIDS WANT GREAT
STEAKS, THEY ONLY WANT TO EAT GOOD RANCHERS, AND I DON'T BLAME
THEM.
FROM STEAKS AND POTATOES, YOU CAN GO TO goodranchers.com.
>> Stephen: HOLY CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING! WHO GRILLS INSIDE THE
HOUSE?
( AS KIM, GETTING WOOZY )
ANY OCCASION: FATHER'S DAY...
GRADUATION...
FATHER'S DAY... AND I JUST-- I JUST WANT TO TAKE A NAP, DAD.
THE BEST IS YET TO COME.
NIGHTIE-NIGHT.
WAGGA-WAGGA-WAGGA."
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
YOU'RE SAYING, "STEVE, GIVEN THIS FAMILY'S WHOLE DEAL, WHAT'S
THE GRIFT HERE?
IS IT GOPHER MEAT?" MAYBE!
BECAUSE AFTER NUMEROUS CUSTOMER COMPLAINTS, GOOD RANCHERS'
ACCREDITATION WITH THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU WAS
REVOKED, WITH ONE PURCHASER SAYING, "STEAKS WERE DISCOLORED
AND HAD SLUDGE ON THEM."
WELL, LIKE FATHER, LIKE STEAK.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE BOB WOODWARD AND CARL BERNSTEIN.
WE'LL TALK WATERGATE, A BYGONE ERA WHEN PRESIDENTS WERE CAPABLE
OF SHAME.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪