C’mon, Ben. Take a three-pointer
What are you afraid of?
Oh, right...the fact that it definitely won’t go in
This guy talks more trash than a young Kobe
And also takes more bad shots than the old one
At least I take shots, Benny one-point
All right, just roll
Some of us actually have real games to play
Rude
All right, I’ll fake the pass and then drive the lane
Ugh, four
Oof, that’s a turnover
Ooh, mistakes like that can cost you Squire of the Year
But I guess you can always try again next year
Whose turn is it?
I think it’s...Fultz. You’re up
No, thanks. I’m not ready
What’s happening here?
Wait, you got the new 1K?
Yeah, just came out
But, it’s the end of the season
Well, they’ve got to hand-carve all the graphics, Lonzo
How is it?
It’s pretty realistic
Except they made my hair look painted on
That’s because it does look painted on
Oh, says Mona Lisa over here
Well–can I see mine?
Sure, let me find it
Here’s Gordon Hayward
Derrick Rose
Ah, crap
Klay Thompson
Wow, graphics are uncanny
Ah, here ya go, found Lonzo
Oh thanks
I think–wait, I think that’s Michael Carter-Williams
Ugh
[laughing]
Very funny
Lonzo, your rating’s actually pretty solid
What about mine?
Um
You know
This doesn’t look anything like me
I guess they got lazy towards the back of the draft
Well, what’s my rating?
It's a 72
What? I’m a 72 and Lonzo is an 80?
Weren’t you in a bloody egg last year?
Yeah, but that was like a special magical thing
It’s probably changed, it’s just that we haven’t gotten the update raven
Why don’t you just create your own knight?
[sigh] I suppose I should
Ugh, what are those?
Those are your default 1K boots
You start with them
Nay, little me can’t be seen in these
C’mon now
You can purchase swag for your character from Ronnie 1k over there
But I’ll warn you, it gets expensive
500 coppers for boots?
That’s madness
Huh, well, you can’t put a price on style
I’m going to fancy up me character
Don’t start without me, alright?
Hey, uh...you Ronnie 1K?
That’s right, fam
I am
Well, I’d like to try out some of your haircuts please
No samples!
You try, you buy
[scoffs] C'mon
Well then, I’d like your finest fur coat for my little knight
That’ll be 100 VC
What–what's VC?
Virtual coppers
Uh, OK
Here
No, the–these are real coppers
We only take virtual coppers
Well then, how do I get virtual coppers?
You pay me real coppers
Are you–uh
Right
So, can I get 100 virtual coppers?
There you are
It’s empty
Well, that’s cause you just went and spilled ‘em all over the floor
Inbound to Lonzo
What do I do?
First, call out your move
You’re on a team with Kuz and Donovan
Markelle, you ready?
No
OK, I’ll send a full-court pass to Mitchell
Alright, roll for it
[dice on floor]
OK
Now, I’ve now picked up all 100 of my virtual coppers
off the floor
and I am handing them to you
Please give me the fur coat
[laughs]
Nice try
What?
You're three short!
So after the battle, you run into Matt Barnes
He asks you if you’d like to join him on a 95-mile quest to kick Derek Fisher’s ass
Do you say (A) Violence is never the answer or (B) But sometimes it is?
Ugh, seven hells, this is so boring
Can we skip this?
Nope, sorry
According to the rules, you can’t skip the woodcut scenes
All right
Pure sharp, Demigod, Alpha Dog with Limitless Range
Y’all are barbeque chicken
Damn, Kuz
And it only costs me 20,000 coppers and three of me goats
All right Kuz, get in
Fultz, the game is almost over
You sure you don’t want to sub in?
OK, I’m ready
Um...hesi pull-up jimbo top of the key
Oops
All right
My ball
Two points away from the win
I want to dunk over Ben Simmons
[laughs] Uh, you know I’m a wee bit taller than Kevin Hart, right?
All right, well, we’ll find out. Roll for it
Boom!
Eighteen!
I win!
Who says I’m not Squire of the Year?
Actually, no
You miss
What do–miss? How? On an 18?
Yeah, I mean your dunk rating
It says here your dunk rating’s only 50
A 50?!
A 50?! You need to roll a 20 to pull off a stunt like that
Well that’s horse manure
I won the bloody dunk contest!
At least, I still haven’t received an update
Hey, Ronnie!
Fix your bloody 1K server ravens!
I’ll bet by the time that update gets here
I’ll have already have won Squire of the Year
May I just mention that I’m the third-leading scorer on the second-best house in the East
despite devastating injuries to our finest knights?
I think that deserves some consideration
Well, if either of your houses were in the West
You wouldn’t even be considered for Squire of the Year
Stop your squabbling, children
The damn Squire of the Year award is overrated
By this time next year, nobody will even remember who won
Oh, yeah? And who the hell are you?