- [Sarah Millican] But I had to talk to my
I had to talk to my one of my neighbours recently.
Wasn't planned on doing that for sort of ever, really.
Give us a cheer if you talk to your neighbours.
(audience cheering)
Give us a cheer if you don't.
(audience cheering)
I had to talk to my neighbour because we share a septic tank.
Now, if you dunno what a septic tank is
the fact that my neighbour refers to it as a sewage tank
should give you a good indication of what's in it.
I've never seen the septic tank,
it's on her side of the fence.
I imagine they're in the ground.
Is that right? Does anybody know?
- [Audience] Yeah.
- Yeah, thank you. I didn't know that.
So in my mind,
I pictured it as like a skip on her drive with a lid on.
(audience laughing)
So when she came around to tell it was nearly full,
(retches)
Because my neighbours quite little,
I pictured her like lifting the lid on a her tippy-toes.
Oh, her IBS is playing up again, Gerald.
Push that one back in, it's bobbing out.
(audience laughing)
I do have IBS, irritable bowel syndrome.
I also have PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome.
I like to put those collections of letters
at the end of my name and pretend I went to university
so people think that I'm educated
rather than regularly shitting my barren self.
(audience laughing)
One of my friends said to me, she said, I can't always tell
if you're about to tell me a secret
or you are sneaking out a fart.
(audience laughing)
I said, I've got no secrets,
it's all farts.
What you do find though, if you have IBS
and you're having a bad bout of IBS,
your farts are so horrific
that if you do one in a room where they're are other people,
you don't get the traditional response
of people kind of muttering to each other,
"Has somebody just, can you smell?
Has somebody just?"
That's not what happens,
what happens is somebody puts their hand on your arm
and says, "are you all right?"
(audience laughing)
But I went for a walk a couple of months ago with a friend
of mine, lovely walk we were having, but I had really
bad guts that day, really bad.
And I, I did a fart and I knew it was a bad one
'cause it was hot.
And I thought I'd got away with it then sort of
looked up and sniffed at the same time,
like a quizzical Bisto kid.
And then she looked at me and she went, "are we near zoo?"
(audience laughing)
I had, I had piles once.
And I think most families have an area of medical expertise
you know?
So maybe you've all got bad back.
So you know the tablets to take, the exercises
to do, that sort of thing with my family, it's arseholes.
And they're lovely people, but wow
they're good with the bowel.
And the day that I realised I had piles
I rang my dad 'cause he's my arsehole phone a friend.
And I told him what was going on.
And he said, "right".
And I thought, this is what dads do isn't it?
That's what they say before they fix things.
"Right?" And he went
"what you need, baths as hot as you can stand them
anusol cream on the rest of the time".
I said, "thank you".
And I hung up.
I rang him back like 20 minutes later.
I said, "I'm having some trouble".
He said, "what kind of trouble are you having"?
I said, "I cannot really see what I'm doing".
He said, "I dunno what you mean".
I said, "well, I'm not supple enough to do it that way,
and I've got too much here to be able to get access
through there".
And he went "right".
And I thought again, he's gonna fix it.
And he said, "what you need is one of those mirrors
that the police use for looking for bombs under cars".
The day that I realised I had piles, I was meeting
a friend for lunch and I'm so rubbish in
keeping secrets that she'd barely said hello
and I just blurted it out "I've got piles!"
And her response is the best response you can
ever hope for
if that happens to you in the future.
Cause I went, "I've got piles!" and she went, "so have I!"
And we high tenned and went in the pub.
(audience cheering)
- Hi, I'm Sarah Millican.
And thanks very much for watching my video.
I'm on tour at the moment with a show called Bobby Dazzler.
To find out where I'm going and when
go to Sarahmillican.co.UK.
Thanks. Bye.