- Vegas, Vegas knows how to fuck you in the ass.
What?
(rock music)
Vegas.
I'm out here once a month at the Riviera,
trying to sneak my new stuff for the TV show,
but you know, they're excited, weekend Vegas crowds,
they can kind of smell it when it's not polished material.
And I'm like,
what do you guys think about trees?
So you know how trees are like tall or whatever?
OK, well, like what doesn't bend breaks? (CHECK AGAIN)
Stop cutting off my great jokes.
We can't hear your voice on this show or maybe we will.
Kim, my sister, has never been to Vegas.
I feel like she's gonna love it.
- Ow.
- You should take your ring off, so people,
no actually keep it on.
Two of you, two of us, I'll do the math.
We're in Vegas having fun.
I know what's going to get you psyched up.
You can drink outside.
- Do you want to wear one of my rings,
and then people will think
that we are both married and happy?
- Do you know where we can get tested for AIDS?
- [Stranger] Huh?
- AIDS?
- Yeah.
It doesn't have to be blood it could be...
A clinic, alright thank you.
You need another drink.
Come on this is the best.
- No, I know, I know.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Cheers queers.
- It's more, it's more phallic than architecture.
- That makes it phallic, you jamming your straw
in and out of it, you fucking pervert.
I am fucking wasted right now.
Like, look where I am, look where you are.
- Cuz I'm worried, like I want to still seem
like I'm a lady. - Drink it,
I feel like a dick head.
- How come nobody's trying to fuck us.
- We should probably take it easy on these.
- I'm gonna throw this up.
- Drink your Eiffel Tower.
- Babe, it's hard.
(trumpets)
- [Amy] That's beautiful.
I don't care what your sexuality is, that's beautiful.
- Babe, you have a show tonight,
maybe slow down a little bit.
- I have a show tonight.
- You have a show tonight.
You could just stop
drinking all together. - Oh I'll stop
drinking, you're right.
Stop drinking, start dancing.
(dance music)
- Shh.
I might get sick.
Hold my hair.
Not you.
Sir, sir.
Sir.
- It seems like maybe you'll do OK.
- I'm not drunk, you're drunk.
- I thought that Vegas
would be a really good place to come.
- What is this, water?
Is this water?
This tastes like water.
- Ready.
- I wish I was going faster.
Oh, shit.
I have no control.
Do you have a basket?
You know what, I'm gonna bring these back to my room
and then I'm going to come back and pay for them.
Sir, please don't yell at me,
my father never loved me.
(piano music)
Hi.
I picked you up this coffee, I thought
it would be helpful for you, for just right now.
- I'm not drunk.
You're, OK, yeah.
Thank you.
I think that's coffee.
(light jazz music)
- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Amy Schumer, let her hear it.
(audience applauds)
- Who said it, is it this guy?
You fucking Vegas tan piece of shit.
(audience laughs)
With your hot girlfriend who will leave you
the second some 95-year-old winks at her
who has a dollar more than you.
(audience laughs)
I hope you die alone.
So,
and also to answer your question,
it's to make dicks like yours seem big.
(audience cheers)
Thank you guys so much for coming out.
You were a great crowd.
(rock music)
- Just write what you would like to have
appear around you.
We wanted puppies around us, and we got them.
- [Amy] Like, there are just moments where you're like,
oh my God, we wrote this, it's really happening now.
- [Director] That's your queue.
(cast and crew laugh)
(rock music)
(sharp noise)