WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M SO LUCKY TO SPEND TONIGHT
WITH MY TRUE LOVE-- THIS AUDIENCE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT.
WEAR SOMETHING LOOSE.
BY NOW I'M SURE YOU'VE ALL HEARD THE NEWS --
THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS GOING GREAT.
WE'RE GETTING TIRED OF WINNING.
I'LL TELL YOU WHO REALLY GOT TIRED OF WINNING -- FORMER
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER AND MAN WHO DOESN'T SEE WHAT'S SO
FUNNY, MICHAEL FLYNN.
BECAUSE HE RESIGNED LAST NIGHT.
NO SCANDAL.
HE JUST WANTED TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS RUSSIAN CONTACTS.
BUT HE LEAVES BEHIND A DISTINGUISHED LEGACY OF THE
SHORTEST TENURE IN HISTORY WITH ONLY 24 DAYS AS NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
( PIANO RIFF ) JUST LIKE THAT -- HE'S GONE!
FLYNN SURPASSED THE RECORD FORMERLY
HELD BY GERALD FORD'S SECURITY ADVISER, ADMIRAL JOSEPH T.
FRUITFLY.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED -- AFTER OBAMA IMPOSED SANCTIONS ON
RUSSIA FOR MESSING WITH OUR ELECTION, FLYNN CALLED THE
RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR, DISCUSSED THE SANCTIONS AND ALLEGEDLY
SIGNALED THE KREMLIN TO EXPECT A REPRIEVE WHEN TRUMP TOOK OFFICE.
AND IF THAT SIGNAL WASN'T ENOUGH, THEY GOT THE HINT WHEN
TRUMP SIGNED HIS FIRST EXECUTIVE ORDER.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW AT FIRST, FLYNN DENIED ALL
OF THIS.
BUT HE GOT CAUGHT BECAUSE, TURNS OUT, WE LISTEN IN ON EVERY PHONE
CALL TO THE RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR.
WHO KNEW?
EVIDENTLY, NOT THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER, YOU DUMMY.
( APPLAUSE ) DUMMY, DUMMY!
I KNEW!
I KNEW THAT!
>> Jon: EYES!
>> Stephen: I KNEW THAT!
AFTER IT WAS REVEALED THERE WERE RECORDINGS, FLYNN WENT FROM
"ABSOLUTELY NOT" TO "HE COULDN'T BE CERTAIN THAT THE TOPIC NEVER
CAME UP."
I KNOW A WAY YOU CAN BE CERTAIN.
AS THE NATIONAL SECURITY, YOU COULD ASK FOR THE TRANSCRIPT.
COULD I SEE THAT, PLEASE?
( LAUGHTER ) I SHOULD REALLY NOT HAVE THIS
JOB!
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S TREASON.
( APPLAUSE ) AT A SAY ONLY TREASON IS FUNNY.
FLYNN EVEN LIED TO MIKE PENCE, WHO THEN WENT ON TV TO DEFEND
FLYNN, AND NOW PENCE IS PISSED.
YOU CAN TELL BY HIS COLD, HOLLOW-EYED STARE.
WHICH IS ALSO HOW YOU CAN TELL HE'S HAPPY, IN LOVE, OR JUST
HUNGRY.
THE CRAZY PART IS THAT THE WHITE HOUSE HAS KNOWN THE NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISER LIED ABOUT HIS CONTACTS WITH RUSSIA FOR WEEKS.
LAST MONTH, FORMER ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL SALLY YATES
TOLD THEM SHE BELIEVED FLYNN HAD MISLED SENIOR ADMINISTRATION
OFFICIALS AND MIGHT BE VULNERABLE TO RUSSIAN BLACKMAIL.
TRUMP DID NOTHING.
BUT I'M SURE HE WAS GOING TO GET TO IT RIGHT AFTER ATTACKING
NORDSTROM'S AND ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER'S RATINGS.
THEN FIRING SALLY YATES.
( APPLAUSE ) GOT TO DO A LOT.
YEAH.
BUT NOW FLYNN IS GONE, AND NOW EVERYONE'S SPECULATING WHO'S
GOING TO REPLACE HIM.
ONE TOP CANDIDATE IS GENERAL DAVID PETRAEUS, WHO IS A PROVEN
LEADER AND HISTORIC, BECAUSE IT WOULD BE THE FIRST NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR WHO HAD TO CHECK WITH HIS PROBATION
OFFICER.
"IS IT OKAY IF I TAKE A JOB IN WASHINGTON?"
"DAVID, HAVE YOU BEEN DOING DRUGS?"
"NAW, NAW.
I'VE BEEN CLEAN."
"ANY WEAPONS?" "WELL, I AM ABOUT TO BE IN THE
NUCLEAR CHAIN OF COMMAND."
"DAVID, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS."
BUT IF PETRAEUS DOESN'T GET THE JOB, TRUMP WILL MOST LIKELY GIVE
IT TO GENERAL BRADIMIR PUDDIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BRADIMIR PUDDIN.
REALLY SUPER GUY.
OF COURSE, THIS IS A MAJOR BETRAYAL OF TRUST AND TRUMP
IMMEDIATELY CONDEMNED BOTH FLYNN AND THE RUSSIANS.
JUST KIDDING.
HE TWEETED, "THE REAL STORY HERE IS WHY ARE THERE SO MANY ILLEGAL
LEAKS COMING OUT OF WASHINGTON?
WILL THESE LEAKS BE HAPPENING AS I DEAL ON NORTH KOREA ETC?"
NO, THERE WON'T BE ANY LEAKS ON NORTH KOREA UNLESS YOUR HIGH
SECURITY MEETING WAS INFILTRATED BY SECRET AGENT MAR-A-LAGO
BUSBOY.
( LAUGHTER ) TODAY, WHITE HOUSE PRESS
WHITE HOUSE SECRETARY SEAN SPICER
SPICESPLAINED WHY THE PRESIDENT WAS FORCED TO
LET FLYNN GO.
>> WE GOT TO A POINT NOT BASED ON A LEGAL ISSUE, BUT BASED ON A
TRUST ISSUE.
THE EVOLVING AND ERODING LEVEL OF TRUST AS A RESULT OF THIS
SITUATION IN A SERIES OF OTHER QUESTIONABLE INSTANCES IS WHAT
LED THE PRESIDENT TO ASK FOR GENERAL FLYNN'S RESIGNATION.
>> STEPHEN: YES, IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
IT WASN'T A LEGAL ISSUE, IT WAS A "TRUST" ISSUE.
TRUMP STOPPED TRUSTING FLYNN, BECAUSE FLYNN DID SOMETHING THAT
WAS "SO" DARN LEGAL -- THAT TRUMP HAD TO ASK FOR HIS
RESIGNATION.
SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT SEAN SPICER, BUT HE'S THE M.C. ESCHER
OF (BLEEP).
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT FORGIVE ME, MR. SPICER-- YOU
WERE SAYING SOMETHING INSANE?
>> THE IRONY OF THIS ENTIRE SITUATION IS THAT THE PRESIDENT
HAS BEEN INCREDIBLY TOUGH ON RUSSIA.
>> STEPHEN: YES, TRUMP'S BEEN INCREDIBLY TOUGH ON RUSSIA.
NO, INCREDIBLY TOUGH.
I MEAN, THE DRY CLEANING BILLS ALONE!
INCREDIBLY TOUGH.
GOT TO FLIP THE MATTRESS.
AND TRUMP'S LOOKING TO FILL A LOT OF JOBS.
THE WWW.MONSTER.COM LISTING ASKS FOR "DEDICATED PUBLIC-SERVANTS
WHO DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE MELISSA MCCARTHY."
AND RUMOR HAS IT THAT HIS PICK FOR AMBASSADOR TO AUSTRIA IS
CONCERT PIANIST, INDUSTRIALIST TRUMP SUPPORTER AND FRIENDLY
GROCER WITH A DARK SECRET, PATRICK PARK.
AMBASSADOR TO AUSTRIA IS PARK'S DREAM JOB.
WHY?
BECAUSE HE'S AN EXPERT IN THE HISTORY AND CUSTOMS AND HOPES TO
STRENGTHEN AMERICA'S FRIENDSHIP WITH THE EUROPEAN UNION.
JUST KIDDING.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S BECAUSE HE'S OBSESSED WITH
"THE SOUND OF MUSIC" AND SAYS HE'S SEEN IT 75 TIMES.
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ THE HILLS ARE ALIVE ♪
♪ WITH THE SOUND OF CRAZY ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS.
IS THIS HOW THIS WORKS NOW?
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: I'VE SEEN THE LORD OF THE RINGS FIFTY TIMES.
DOES THAT MAKE ME AMBASSADOR TO GONDOR?
( APPLAUSE ) I WOULD TAKE THE GIG.
BUT PARK'S PROBABLY GOING TO GET THE AUSTRIA.
THE ONLY OTHER PERSON TRUMP KNOWS WHO'S MORE OBSESSED WITH
THE SOUND OF MUSIC IS STEVE BANNON.
BUT HE ROOTS FOR THE NAZIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( BAND PLAYING )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
CHRISTINE BARANSKI IS HERE.
PLUS, I SIT DOWN WITH A GROUP OF KIDS AND WRITE A MOVIE.
BUT, WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL HAVE MORE OF MICHAEL FLYNN'S
RESIGNATION.
SO STICK AROUND.