I'D LIKE TO START OFF TONIGHT WITH A PERSON QUESTION, IF YOU
GUYS DON'T MIND.
A SHOW OF HANDS.
HOW YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM.
OKAY, LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A MAJORITY.
IT LOOKS LIKE WOMEN GO TO THE BATHROOM, TOO.
THAT'S DISAPPOINTING.
I ASK BECAUSE IF YOU FOLLOW THE NEWS, THERE ARE LAWS, LIKE DOWN
IN NORTH CAROLINA, WHICH ARE REGULATE CHICAGO BATHROOMS
TRANSGENDER PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO USE.
THIS IS HUGE NEWS.
EVEN THE CANDIDATES ARE TALKING ABOUT IT.
AND NOW A PROTEST GROUP HAS COLLECTED 750,000 PLEDGES TO
BOYCOTT THE STORE TARGET OVER THEIR POLICY OF WELCOMING
TRANSJERPD PEOPLE TO USE WHICHEVER BATHROOM
MATCHES THEIR IDENTITY.
IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE A COMPANY CALLED TARGET WOULD EVER FIND
ITSELF AT-- HOW DO I PUT THIS-- THE CENTER OF SOMETHING THAT
PEOPLE ARE AIMING AT.
IT'S LIKE THERE IS SOME KIND OF SIGN ON THEIR BACK, MAKING IT
EASIER TO SHOOT THEM.
WELL, HERE IS WHERE I STAND.
I KNOW YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE I STAND ON THIS.
HERE'S THE THING.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE MALE OR FEMALE, WHAT SEX OR GENDER
IDENTITY SOMEONE IS, I-- AND I MEAN THIS SINCERELY-- DO NOT
WANT TO SHARE A BATHROOM WITH ANYONE.
OKAY.
FOR TWO REASONS...
NUMBER ONE AND NUMBER TWO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO, I DON'T.
WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE ALL OF US IN THERE TOGETHER ANYWAY?
THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT MY BATHROOM AT HOME IS NOT A
TWO-SEATER.
AND WHEN I AM FORCED TO USE A PUBLIC BATHROOM-- WHICH IS
INFREQUENTLY, THANK GOD!
I GO IN THERE WITH BLINDERS ON.
I DON'T KNOW WHO'S NEXT TO ME.
IT COULD BE A CENTAUR FOR ALL I KNOW.
I DON'T EVEN LIKE TO LOOK MYSELF IN THE MIRROR.
I KNOW WHAT I DID.
I AM THERE FOR A SURGICAL STRIKE.
GET IN, GET OUT, WITH MINIMAL CASUALTIES.
SO IF THERE ARE GOING TO BE ANY NEW BATHROOM LAWS, HERE ARE SOME
THAT WE ACTUALLY NEED.
FIRST OFF, NO CHITCHAT.
I AM NOT THERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.
IF WE HAVE JUST COME OUT OF A MOVIE, AND YOU ARE STANDING NEXT
TO ME, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW IRREPLACEABLE
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. IS AS IRON MAN.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE ROBERT DOWNEY JR. YOURSELF.
SECOND, IF YOU'RE A FAN OF MINE, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO SHAKE MY HAND IN THERE BECAUSE I KNOW
WHAT YOU JUST SHOOK.
ALSO, IF THERE ARE A BUNCH OF OPEN STALLS, DON'T TAKE THE ONE
NEXT TO ME.
IT'S NOT THE BUDDY SYSTEM!
THOSE ARE JUST A FEW SUGGESTIONS.
AND TO ALL THOSE LAWMAKERS WHO ARE SO OBSESSED WITH WHO IS
USING WHAT BATHROOM AND WHAT PLUMBING THEY'VE GOT DOWNTOWN,
NEWS FLASH-- YOU'RE THE WEIRDOES.