>>AND THEY NEVER FOUND THE BODY,
BUT THEY DID FIND THE AXE.
AND PEOPLE SAY YOU CAN STILL HEAR THE DEAD WOODSMAN'S HAUNTED
LAUGH IN THIS VERY FOREST.
[STRANGE LAUGH] >>COME ON GRANDPA!
THAT'S THE LAMEST GHOST STORY EVER!
>>REALLY?
THAT STORY USED TO SCARE ME SILLY WHEN I WAS YOUR KIDS' AGE.
>>WELCOME TO THE YEAR 2052 GRANDPA.
AN AXE MURDERING WOODSMAN IS THE KIND OF STUFF WE
WATCH ON PBS KIDS.
>>SO THAT'S WHY I SAW ELMO STICKING OSCAR THE GROUCH
IN A TRASH COMPACTOR...
>>TELL US SOMETHING REALLY SCARY GRANDPA!
>>YEAH!
>>COME ON!
>>ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET ME THINK.
UM, HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU KIDS THE STORY OF MY OLD I-PHONE?
>>I DON'T THINK SO.
>>NO.
>>JAMES, LET ME SEE YOUR PHONE.
NOW, LONG BEFORE THE I-PHONE 6,057S THERE WAS THE IPHONE 5S.
IT WEIGHED NEARLY FOUR OUNCES AND WAS A CENTIMETER THICK.
>>YEAH RIGHT GRANDPA!
>>[GASPS] >>WHAT THE?
>>HOLD OUT YOUR HAND STEPHEN.
NOW AS LONG AS YOU DON'T SHOW IT FEAR,
IT CAN'T HURT YOU.
>>OH!
AH!
HOW COULD YOU LIFT SOMETHING THIS HEAVY?
>>WELL WE WERE TOUGHER BACK THEN.
WE HAD TO BE.
>>BUT YOU STILL HAD 40G COVERAGE RIGHT?
>>[LAUGHS] EVEN THE BEST OF SERVICE
WAS NO MORE THAN FOUR AND IN A PLACE LIKE THIS,
HECK, YOU'D BE LUCKY TO GET THREE.
>>[GASPS] >>HOW LONG DID IT TAKE TO
DOWNLOAD SOMETHING GRANDPA?
>>DEPENDS, I REMEMBER THERE WAS THIS NIGHT,
THE NETWORK WAS REAL SLOW.
IT TOOK ME A FULL MINUTE JUST TO DOWNLOAD A MOVIE.
>>ARE YOU JOKING?
>>WAIT GUYS, DON'T WORRY.
OKAY?
NOTHING HAS EVER TAKEN THAT LONG TO DOWNLOAD.
GRANDPA'S JUST TRYING TO SCARE US.
>>HAH!
YOU THINK THAT'S SCARY?
I REMEMBER THERE WAS A TIME BEFORE WE EVEN INSTANTLY
STREAMED MOVIES.
>>STOP LYING GRANDPA!
>NO, I KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
WE LEARNED ABOUT IT IN MY ANCIENT HISTORY CLASS.
IT WAS THIS WEIRD LOOKING VIDEO VENDING MACHINE
CALLED A "RED BOX."
>>[SCREAMS] >>I WANT TO GO HOME NOW!
>>THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A "RED BOX."
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A "RED BOX."
>>DON'T WORRY STEPHEN.
"RED BOX"AIN'T NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF.
NOW, BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO ON THE OTHER HAND...
>>BLOOKBLASTER?
>>BLOCKBUSTER!
HAVE I EVER TELL YOU KIDS THE STORY OF THE LATE FEE OF 2003?
>>I WANT TO CALL MY MOM, BUT MY PHONE BLEW AWAY!
>>I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.
THE MOVIE PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN HAD JUST
COME OUT ON VIDEO.
>>WHICH ONE?
THERE'S OVER 700.
>>THE FIRST ONE.
BACK WHEN JOHNNY DEPP STILL CARED ABOUT HIS CAREER.
>>NO!
JOHNNY DEPP NEVER CARED.
>>GUESS HOW I GOT TO BLOCKBUSTER THAT DAY.
>>YOU HIRED SOMEONE ONLINE?
>>I RODE MY BIKE!
>>[SCREAMS] AND IT TOOK ME FIVE WHOLE
MINUTES JUST TO GET THERE!
>>HOW WERE YOU STILL INTERESTED IN SOMETHING AFTER FIVE
MINUTES OF NOT HAVING IT?
>>OH, DON'T YOU WORRY STEPHEN.
IT GETS MUCH MORE HORRIFYING.
WHEN I GOT TO THE VIDEO STORE AN AWKWARD TEENAGED VIDEO
CLERK NAMED KEVIN GREETED ME.
>>KEVIN!
HUMAN INTERACTION?
>>THAT'S RIGHT JAMES!
AND HE SPOKE WORDS TO ME WITH HIS OWN MOUTH!
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID WHEN I ASKED ABOUT THE VIDEO?
>>NO, NO.
>>HE SAID, "SORRY SIR, WE'RE ALL CHECKED OUT!"
>>[SCREAMS] >>WAIT, WHAT DID HE MEAN BY,
"CHECKED OUT?"
LIKE YOU HAD TO WAIT 20 SECONDS AND THEN--
>>I HAVE TO WAIT 24 HOURS!
FOR THIS!
>>[SCREAMS] >>HEY, DON'T WORRY KIDS!
WAIT!
I HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD YOU WHAT A VHS IS!
YOU HAD TO REWIND IT!
HOLD ON!