>> HELLO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I HAVE SPENT THE PAST 30
YEARS COLLECTING INFORMATION ABOUT MY NEXT GUEST FOR THIS
EXACT MOMENT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: HI.
THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN WE WERE WORKING ON STRANGERS WITH
CANDY, I THINK I HAVE A PHOTOGRAPH HERE, LOOK HOW CALM I
AM -- NO THAT'S YOU GUYS.
STRANGERS WITH CANDY.
AND WE WERE DOING THE HIT AND RUN EPISODE, AND I HAD TO DRIVE
THE CAR, AND YOU AND PAUL DINELLO HATED THAT, AND I WAS
TRYING TO TALK YOU INTO HIDING MY EXGAY BOYFRIEND TO BE ON THE
SHOW AND YOU DIDN'T WANT HIM ON THE SHOW BUT WE WERE IN THE
CONVERTIBLE AND I WAS DRIVING THE CAR AND YOU WERE SO SCARED.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
>> Stephen: THAT YOU WERE DRIVING?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE AND THERE ARE
ACTUAL PEOPLE YOU COULD HAVE KILLED, EVEN THOUGH THE EPISODE
WAS ABOUT YOU RUNNING SOMEONE OVER, WE DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE IT
THAT FUNNY.
>> Stephen: IT WAS MY PLEASURE.
THERE WERE 15 YEARS WHEN WE WORKED TOGETHER PRETTY
INTENSIVELY, AND I LIKE TO TELL PEOPLE WRITING FOR YOU IS ONE OF
THE PROUDEST THINGS I'VE DONE, BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE OF THE
FUNNIEST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET AND TO WRITE ANYTHING YOU SAID
IS A REAL SOURCE OF PRIDE FOR ME.
I BRAG ABOUT IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> YOUR JERRY BLANK AND PAUL
BLANK IS FUNNIER THAN MEN MINE, WHEN YOU WANTED TO TELL THE
WARDROBE LAITY HOW YOU WANTED TO DRESS, YOU SAID I WANTED CLEATS
IN MY PANTS AND -- KNOBLET, STEPHEN COLBERT'S KNOBLET.
>> Stephen: I WOULD COME TO STRANGERS WITH CANDY EVERY DAY
AND TAKE AN OUTFIT EXACTLY LIKE THAT AND PUT THAT ON.
IT WAS LIKE MR. ROGERS NEIGHBORHOOD IF MR. ROGERS WAS
MORALLY BANKRUPT.
>> I'M JUST GOING TO MENTION A FEW THINGS, THE TRIGGER THINGS.
I'M GOING TO GET TO THAT IN A SECOND.
FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU COULD HAVE ANYONE OVER FOR DINNER, DEAD OR
ALIVE, WHAT WOULD YOU WEAR?
JUST KIDDING.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT WOULD YOU SERVE?
WHAT WOULD YOU SERVE?
( LAUGHTER ) DEAD OR ALIVE?
>> DEAD OR ALIVE, WHAT WOULD I SERVE?
>> Stephen: YES!
CRAB CAKES!
>> Stephen: I KNEW IT!
REALLY?
>> I MADE CRAB CAKES LAST NIGHT, YEAH.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GET THE CRAB IN THE TUB.
>> THEY WERE PRE-MADE.
PRE-MADE CRAB CAKES.
WHERE I LIVE, THERE'S A REALLY GOOD SEAFOOD STORE.
BUT I ALSO GOT OYSTERS AND CRABS AND ROASTED CARROTS WITH A MISO
GLAZE.
>> OH, MY GOODNESS!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
>> WHY?
>> Stephen: IT WAS SUNDAY NIGHT AND I LIKE TO COOK ON
SUNDAYS.
AS YOU KNOW, I AM NOT A GOOD COOK.
>> NOW, NOW, STEPHEN...
>> Stephen: YOU AND YOUR BROTHER USED TO MAKE FUN OF
THINGS YOU HEARD MY COOKING.
>> WE WOULD HEAR WHAT YOU MADE AND I WOULD CALL DAVID AND MAKE
FUN OF YOU.
>> Stephen: AND I LOVE YOU, STILL EVEN THOUGH YOU DID THAT.
>> THERE WERE A LOT OF IDEAS.
THE INGREDIENTS IN THERE DIDN'T GO TOGETHER A LOT OF TIMES.
BUT ARE YOU STILL MAKING YOUR SHRIMP PASTE?
>> Stephen: I DO.
HAS IT IMPROVED?
>> Stephen: SNOW, IT'S VERY GOOD TO BEGIN WITH.
MY SHRIMP PASTE IS A -- ( LAUGHTER )
>> LIVE BAIT, THAT'S WHAT IT SMELLED LIKE.
OKAY.
I'M GOING TO MENTION SOME TRIGGER WORDS AND YOU TELL ME --
>> Stephen: TRIGGER WORDS?
TRIGGER WORDS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: TRIGGER WORDS,
OKAY.
SO, OKAY, I MIGHT HAVE AN EMOTIONAL RESPONSE TO THOSE
WORDS.
>> IF I SAY, HE'S GOT A KNIFE!
I'LL CUT YOUR THROAT, WHORE!
>> Stephen: THAT IS SOMEONE SCREAMING OUTSIDE THE BUILDING
THAT YOU AND I AND PAUL LIVED IN, WE ALL HAD APARTMENTS IN THE
SAME BUILDING.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THERE WAS A CLUB IN THE BASEMENT CALLED THE JAZZ
BOWLS.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHICH HAD THE OLDEST LIQUOR LICENSE IN
CHICAGO, I BELIEVE, AND EVERY NIGHT THEY PLAYED TILL, LIKE,
4:00 IN THE MORNING AT THE JAZZ BOWLS, AND PEOPLE WOULD COME
DRUNK OUT OF THE JAZZ BOWLS SCREAMING, I'M GOING TO SLASH
YOUR TIRES, ( BLEEP ), I KNOW THAT YOU WERE WITH CHERYL, I'M
CUTTING YOUR TIRES, TONY!
THERE WAS A LOT OF THAT AND WE DIDN'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED.
THE JAZZ BOWL, IT'S TWO FLOORS DOWN BEY BELOW YOU GUYS.
SO YOU'RE TRYING TO GO TO BED AND IT WAS PAPER THIN WALLS SO
YOU HEAR THIS -- ( HORN SCATTING )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN YOU WILL HEAR -- THE DOOR WOULD OPEN AND --
♪ ♪
♪ ( LAUGHTER )
>> THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
>> Stephen: ALL NIGHT LONG.
AND DIDN'T THEY ASK YOU, LIKE, PLEASE DON'T DO LAUNDRY TILL
THERE'S A DRUM SOL SO?
>> PROBABLY.
OH, MY GOD.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE IT WAS TOO LOUD -- UNTIL DRUM SOLO, PLEASE
DON'T TURN ON YOUR WASHING MACHINES.
>> JOSHUA TREE.
>> Stephen: JOSHUA TREE.
AND HOW BEING A GENTLEMAN BACKFIRED.
>> Stephen: AGAIN, WE WERE ON THE ROAD TOGETHER FOR MANY
YEARS.
>> WHO'S WE, I'M SORRY?
>> Stephen: YOU AND ME AND PAUL DINELLO WERE ON THE ROAD
FOR MANY YEARS WITH THE SECOND CITY.
IT WAS JOYFUL.
THERE'S NOTHING TO DO ON THE ROAD BUT BE ON THE ROAD.
YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE RESPONSIBLE BUT YOU CAN'T.
YOU CAN'T PAY YOUR BILLS, THERE WERE NO INTERNET, YOU DIDN'T
HAVE CELL PHONES.
YOU WERE TRULY OUT ON YOUR OWN AND IT WAS WONDERFUL, IT WAS
GREAT TO BE LOST IN AMERICA.
AND WHEN WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT, UP IN THE HILTS,
OUT OF THE WOODS, WE WOULD WANT TO GET AWAY FROM ANYTHING, AND
WE WOULD HIKE FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS OUT IN THE DESERT IN
JOSHUA TREE.
AND WHEN WE MAKE IT BACK TO THE CAR, THERE WAS JUST ONE BOTTLE
OF WATER.
>> YOUR CUP OF ICE HAD MELTED.
>> Stephen: I WAS TO TAKE A SIP OF IT, JUST FINISHED
MELTING, ICE COLD, AND I SAID, I'M SORRY, AMY, WHY DON'T YOU
HAVE THE FIRST SIP.
YOU TOOK A SIP, AND SAID THANK YOU, AND THEN YOU POURED IT OUT
INTO THE SAND.
>> I HAD TO!
>> Stephen: AT JOSHUA TREE.
AND I HELD YOU DOWN AND RUBBED SAND IN YOUR HAIR AND FACE AND
DOWN YOUR SHIRT.
>> LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
AND THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN WHEN I KNEW THAT I JUST LOVED YOU.
>> I SEE!
>> Stephen: BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I WAS DOING IT TO MY
SISTER.
>> HOW LOVELY.
>> Stephen: AND PAUL JUST LAUGHED.
PAUL DID YOU LAUGH?
>> YEAH, HE DID.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHEN I WASN'T SURE WHETHER I LOVED YOU
ANYMORE ( LAUGHTER )
>> I JUST WANT TO SAY THIS WAS A LOT OF FUN.
THEY TOLD ME TO WRAP UP.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME ON YOUR SHOW.
I'LL PUT THESE IN BECAUSE I HEARD YOUR INTERVIEW WITH CONAN
O'BRIEN, THE THING THAT MADE YOU LAUGH A LOT, RIGHT?
YOU WILL HAVE TO LOOK AT THE THE CONAN O'BRIEN PODCAST TO KNOW
WHAT THIS MEANS.
>> Stephen: YOU AND PAUL BROKE ME FROM BEING SERIOUS.
I WAS SERIOUS ABOUT DOING COMEDY SKETCHES, AND YOU GUYS WOULD
ALWAYS ( BLEEP ) AROUND ON STA AND WE'RE, LIKE, THOSE AREN'T
THE LINES, THE SCENE IS RUINED IF YOU CHANGE THE LINES, SO I
WOULD NEVER CHANGE ANYTHING IN THE SCENE, AND YOU THOUGHT THAT
THAT WASN'T -- THAT WAS BAD FOR ME TO BE LIKE THAT.
AND, SO, YOU WOULD DO THINGS TO TRY TO BREAK ME ON STAGE.
LIKE, IF I HAD A PIMPLE ON MY NOSE BECAUSE WE WERE YOUNG AND
YOU WILL SAY, HELLO, DR. LIGHTHOUSE, OR WHATEVER WHEN
I WOULD WALK ON STAGE AND COMPLETELY DENY WHATEVER
INITIATION OR WHAT WE WERE DOING.
ONE NIGHT, WE WERE SINGING A SONG AND I WAS GOING TO PICK YOU
UP, IT WAS CALLED FOUR STONE GUYS -- PARDON ME, I COULDN'T
HELP NOTICING YOU STANDING THERE.
>> WHAT A MEMORY!
♪ AND THE WHICH THE LIGHT HITS YOUR HAIR ♪
I WAS SODS SPODES TO SING THAT AND YOUR BACK IS TOWARD ME AND
YOU TURN AND WITH THOSE TEETH IN.
>> AND HE LOST IT.
>> Stephen: AND I BURST OUT LAUGHING AND I WAS SO MAD AT YOU
AND ME THAT I WENT BACKSTAGE AND I LOCKED MYSELF IN THE BATHROOM
AND WOULDN'T COME OUT.
AND YOU STOOD OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM DOOR AND THE TWO OF YOU
MOCKED ME -- YOU MOCKED ME, ARE YOU CRYIN'?
AND I REALIZED IN THAT ROOM YOU'D BROKEN SOMETHING IN ME AND
I CAM OUT A CHANGED MAN.
I THOUGHT, THEY'RE RIGHT, WHAT W AM I DOING?
AND I CAME OUT AND WAS NEVER AS PROFESSIONAL AS I SHOULD HAVE
BEEN AGAIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AMY SEDARIS, EVERYBODY!
>> STEPHEN COLBERT, EVERYBODY!