-Thank you. -Look at you.
Hasan, look at you on TV holding your own with Reese Witherspoon.
-We're back! -I want to get in --
We're back. -We're back on TV.
-Yes, we are.
-Live audience. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Live audience.
-Feel great. -Dude, you're busy.
-Dude, we had a busy pandemic.
-You had a very busy --
-Productive. My wife and I, we had our baby, second baby.
Yes. Yes. [ Cheers and applause ]
-That's the best! -Now, listen,
I haven't told anybody this, Jimmy.
This is news for a lot of people, but my wife and I,
we were actually having fertility problems for years.
And that was really tough on us,
and it loaded the relationship with a lot of tension.
-Of course, sure.
-And, you know, we'd be sitting there late at night
having really tough conversations.
You know, are we going to be able to have kids?
Are we arrogant for thinking we deserve kids?
And I was trying to, you know, be optimistic.
I go, "Babe, what if we adopt?" Right?
-Yeah. -What if we adopt a white baby
just to flex on these mother [bleep]
[ Laughter and applause ]
Just to show people we really made it in this country!
[ Cheers and applause ]
And we'll show him off!
Take him to parties.
-No. -"Hi, I'm Bradley.
I'm a proud member of the Indian-American community."
"This is my son! Bradley!"
-Flex. -For $15 a day,
Bradley goes to the Gymboree on the Upper West Side.
-The Gymboree.
-We saved him
from a war-torn part of America -- Detroit.
[ Laughter ]
And she told me, "I want a baby with you.
It is not my ovaries.
You have got to go get your balls checked out."
-Okay. -Now, listen, listen --
I'm at that age now where a lot of doctors are my age, okay?
-Okay. -And they're Indian,
which means I might know them.
[ Laughter ]
So, I'm sitting over here at the fertility clinic.
Nurse comes out. She's like, "Dr. Shah will see you now.
I'm like, "This better not be Arjan Shah."
Okay? Door opens.
I hear a familiar voice. He's like, "Hasan Minhaj?"
I'm like, this is Arjan Shah!
This kid is an idiot. I grew up with him.
-No, you're jok-- -Yes,
he failed out of the Caribbean med school twice, Jimmy.
-This is so you. This could only happen to you.
-Yeah, I go, "Arjan, how are you licensed?"
He's like, "I don't know.
[ Laughter ]
That's why I'm a jizz doctor on the Upper West Side."
-Okay, well, I don't --
There's probably a different name for it.
-"Drop your pants. How's Auntie?"
I'm like, "Don't bring my mom into this."
This is crazy.
He's not even an M.D.
Jimmy, he's a D.O. I'm like, this guy
can't even afford all the good letters.
Oh, you don't know this. -No, what's a D.O.?
-There's a war going on in the medical community, guys,
between M.D.s and D.O.s.
-I don't know D.O. -No, okay, so it's like --
They're basically the same, but they're totally not.
Like, an M.D. is Coca-Cola,
and a D.O. is RC Cola.
You understand?
It's like an off-brand doctor.
Like John Oliver is an M.D. I'm a D.O.
We're the same, but we're totally not.
-No, you're an M.D.
-Listen, so, you know, Arjan comes in there.
And, you know, he's like, "Listen, man, if you --"
He's feeling around my merchandise.
And he goes, "Oh, you --
You have too much blood down there.
It's been lowering your sperm count,
so we're going to have to do a very dangerous surgery.
It's called varicocele repair surgery.
But don't worry, bro, I'll be doing the surgery."
[ Laughter ]
I'm like, "Arjan, I'm very worried.
You're in a lab coat and Jordans."
This is not instilling confidence in me, as a patient.
-[ Laughing ] Jordans.
-He pulls out a trimmer, and he goes, "Let me get up in there.
I'll shave you down. We'll do it right here right now."
I go, "Arjan --" -No, this is --
-"Yeah. I know we grew up together,
but I'm not ready for this." He goes, "Listen, man.
If you don't get this surgery,
you can't have kids."
And I go, "You know what? just give me the fade.
Make the top match the bottom. Shave me down."
-Give me the fade.
-Yeah, he puts the Darth Vader on me.
Six hours later, I wake up.
I'm butt naked in a diaper.
Four huge bloodstains on the diaper.
I look down. I look up.
I see Arjan. I go, "Arjan, I only have two testicles."
-Yeah.
-How did you mess up two extra times?
He's like, "Don't worry, bro. We figured it out."
-Yeah.
-"Just give it six weeks, and you'll be good to go."
Six weeks later, we have hot monogamous action, me and Beena.
She gets pregnant, and there you go.
-That's what I'm talking about.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-So thank you to Arjan Shah and the D.O.s.
-And the D.O.s. Shout-out to the D.O.s.
-Shout-out to the D.O.s.
-Dude, I want to talk about "The Morning Show."
-Yes. -'Cause this is --
I saw Episode 1, and there you are crushing it,
you and Reese Witherspoon.
I go, "Look at Hasan. This is unbelievable."
Explain how did you get this role and what was it like.
-Yeah, so I'm getting ready.
It's my sister's wedding.
I'm at home. I'm in Sacramento.
I get a call from my agent. He goes, "Listen, man,
you've been playing a fake TV anchor for seven years.
I think you can do this."
-"We want you to play a fake TV anchor."
-It's not really a stretch. -Yeah.
-"You need to be able to do your lines and sing and dance."
I call my sister. I go, "Come downstairs right now.
You need to read lines with me."
She goes, "It's kind of my day."
And I go, "Yeah, yeah, but what about me, Ayesha?"
-Why was it her day? -It was her wedding weekend.
-Oh. Yeah, of course, it is her day.
-Yeah. -She's right.
-But I'm like, "What about... -No.
...a recurring role on Season 2 of 'The Morning Show'?"
-Priorities! -Now, my mom has always wanted
to join SAG-AFTRA, so she comes downstairs.
And we had to sing a little duet of "Baby It's Cold Outside."
Now, my mom emigrated here to the States in 1985.
She has no idea what this song is.
And so we just put it on wax,
and we sent it in as my audition tape.
-That was your audition, and you actually brought it
for us tonight, which I'm so excited.
-Yes. This is me and my mom
singing "Baby It's Cold Outside."
-Check it out.
-I'm reading for the role of Eric.
My mom, Seema, is going to be reading the role of Georgia.
-♪ I really can't stay ♪
-♪ Baby, it's cold outside ♪
-♪ I've got to go away ♪
-♪ But I can call you a ride ♪
♪ I'm so glad you dropped in ♪
-♪ So very nice ♪
-[ Laughs ] That's sweet.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yeah! -Dude, that is sweet.
-Come on! -That's cute.
-And, Mom, thank you for helping me get that role.
She had no idea. She goes,
"Why won't this man let this woman leave?"
I go, "People have been talking about this for a long time.
It is a problem." -It's a problem, yeah.
But this is --
It's a giant role for you. And I love --
You know I'm a fan, so congratulations on this.
I want to show everyone a clip.
Here's Hasan Minhaj in "The Morning Show."
Take a look at this.
-Hey, I've got a little something here,
and I want to make a toast.
-Okay.
-To you. -Uh-oh.
-Because you came in at a really difficult time,
and you just really pulled me through it.
You've been sincerely an amazing partner,
and I just want to thank you.
-That means a lot. Honestly.
And you've been a great partner, too.
-Well, here's to the year ahead for us.
-Alright.
[ Air horn blares ]
I got to? -Yeah, go, go, go.
Quick.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Hasan Minhaj!
Season 2 of "The Morning Show" is on Apple TV Plus.
And tickets for the "Hasan Minhaj: The King's Jester Tour"
are on hasanminhaj.com.