One day you're at home minding your own business when your mom asks you to come and see something.
She sounds very worried, and as you hurry downstairs and meet her in the kitchen you
can see that she's terrified.
Pointing at the table you peer under it and you see your sister sitting there on all fours,
and as she spots you she starts barking like a dog.
Then suddenly, she projectile vomits green goo into your face and laughs, her head spinning
three hundred and sixty degrees.
That's when you realize that you're really deep in it now, because your sister's been
possessed by the ancient Assyrian demon, Pazuzu, and now he's out for your blood.
So your sister's been possessed by an ancient wind demon and now it's coming for your soul
next.
How are you going to get out of this one?
First as usual, if you're going to fight your enemy you need to know your enemy.
Pazuzu is an ancient demon who's origins hail back to ancient Assyria and Babylon.
Though as most demons he likely existed long before the rise of either of those two civilizations,
it was the ancient Assyrians who first identified Pazuzu.
This vile demon is actually demon nobility, and is in fact king of the wind demons, a
group of evil pseudo-deities considered amongst the most powerful and high ranking in hell's
hierarchy.
As if his noble title wasn't enough, Pazuzu is also the firstborn son of Hanbi, the god
of all evil deeds and all evil forces.
If you've ever worked with someone who's dad runs the company then you know how annoying
those kind of people can be, and Pazuzu is no exception and doesn't hesitate to call
on daddy when need be.
As far as powers, Pazuzu's own abilities are pretty typical demon stuff: he can obviously
possess people as well as project fears directly into people's minds.
He also has some telekinetic ability, able to move small to moderate sized objects around
with his mind- though nothing bigger than a sofa chair for instance.
He is also able to call up fierce winds, from hurricane gales to light breezes, and can
ride those winds to quickly move throughout our world.
One key feature of Pazuzu though is that he almost never takes physical form in our world,
as with any demon that would leave him vulnerable to the laws of physics.
While once upon a time in human history demons would manifest physically and terrorize humanity,
with the invention of the automatic assault rifle demons are far less likely to do this.
While most demons have superior strength and speed to humans, and used these strengths
for millenia to terrorize and prey upon humans armed with swords and spears, the development
of the assault rifle and other high-powered weaponry very quickly leveled the playing
field.
Nowadays demons mostly stick to possession and attacking humans psychologically so as
to wear down their defenses and leave them vulnerable to suggestion or possession.
Taking physical form brings on a great deal of unnecessary risks, and until demons start
figuring out how to use firearms themselves it's not going to be much of a risk going
into this fight.
Unfortunately for you, Pazuzu is more than capable of hurting you through others without
ever taking physical form himself.
As far as vulnerabilities, Pazuzu shares the same weaknesses that any demon has.
True faith is deadly to demons, and has the power to dispel them from the prime material
plane of existence entirely.
Luckily for them, true faith is relatively rare amongst their human victims, so if you
think hiding behind a crucifix or saying the only prayer you've ever muttered in your life
is going to save you, you'd better think again.
Extremely religious artifacts however can afford even the most un-religious person great
power over a demon though, and everything from splinters gathered from Jesus's cross
to the blood of Christ himself have been used to banish demons from the earth before.
Unluckily for you, you don't have access to any of these holy relics, and we're guessing
you're probably lacking in the true faith department yourself.
So just how are you going to beat Pazuzu?
First, as usual the first thing you want to do when preparing to combat a demon is to
work on controlling your fear.
Demons not only feed on fear, which strengthens all of their powers, but actually use it as
a weapon to break your mind down and leave you susceptible to suggestion, perhaps even
full-blown possession.
Once a demon gets inside you, they're like bedbugs- practically impossible to get rid
of.
So get a grip on your fears and try to clear your mind, because Pazuzu is going to figure
out what scares you and terrorize you with it until you break.
Pazuzu however is a bit wilier than most demons, and if he sees that fear isn't working to
break your will, he may just straight up offer you a bargain.
Pazuzu's cunning lets him sniff out people's deepest desires, and if he suspects he won't
be able to manipulate you directly through fear or break your will down enough to possess
you, he might just offer you a bargain.
Perhaps he might want you to act in his stead, causing terror and mayhem when he calls upon
you to do so, or perhaps he might want to use your soul as a temporary or permanent
repository.
He might want to work out a timeshare-like agreement with you, you get control of your
body for most of the day, but he gets it between the hours of midnight and three am and every
other weekend.
Plus two weeks during the summer.
In exchange, Pazuzu may offer you anything you desire: riches, good looks, power, influence...
never-ending chocolates.
Listen, he's going to make you an offer you might not want to refuse, but you have to.
As tempting as a demon's offer can be, we can't stress enough how much of a bad idea
it is to ever consider taking it.
By now if you've watched even just a few of the literally thousands of movies and tv shows
featuring demons, then you should be well aware that bargains with demons always come
with hidden strings.
What might seem like a sweet deal today is going to come with some serious repercussions
tomorrow.
It's a lot like buying a used car, or getting a student loan from a big bank- seems great
at first and you get what you need, and then you find out a few years later that the 'adjustable'
interest rate just tripled and you're basically going to be living in your parent's basement
until you're forty.
So whatever the deal is, heed our advice and don't take it.
The moment you reject Pazuzu though he's going to come at you with everything he's got, which
is probably not going to be he himself physically but rather a whole host of individuals he's
influenced or possessed.
In this case, it's your sister, which he possessed earlier, and this sibling rivalry is about
to get red-hot because Pazuzu's presence grants supernatural strength and the ability to do
really freaky unnatural crap like twisting your own head around three hundred and sixty
degrees.
Now, you have to remember that your sister is still somewhere inside there, so even if
she's trying to claw your face off while vomiting pea soup into your mouth, you're going to
want a non-lethal solution to stop her cold in her tracks and force Pazuzu to seek another
host.
For this, we highly recommend a Vipertek VTS-989 stun gun.
Now you might be thinking, why go for a stun gun when I can get a taser and shoot from
a safe distance?
Well, for starters is the fact that most tasers top out at around 50,000 volts, which is fine
for stopping a murderer cold in his tracks- but with Vipertek's 300 million volts you're
going to shock Pazuzu straight out of your sister and back to ancient Assyria.
Vipertek's heavy-duty stun gun packs enough of a wallop to give a small dinosaur second
thoughts about making you its lunch, and it's going to pretty much guarantee an instant
exorcism courtesy of modern engineering.
But unfortunately you can't shock Pazuzu's incorporeal form, no matter the wattage, and
with the ability to terrorize you until your mind literally breaks, you're really going
to want to finish this fight and not leave Pazuzu lingering around until your will fails
and he takes over your body.
Your next weapon in this epic match up is thus going to be... a pregnant woman.
Yes, you heard us correctly, you need to immediately find yourself a pregnant woman- in fact the
more pregnant the better.
Remember the Octomom that rocked the reality show circuit a few years ago?
You need to find a new Octomom who's literally bursting with babies, because she's going
to be your human shield against Pazuzu.
Now we know that sounds a little... well harsh, and we generally look down on using pregnant
women as tools to fight supernatural evils with, but bear with us.
See, pregnant women are the favorite prey of Lamashtu, a very powerful female demon
who considers newborn babies and pregnant women delicacies to snack upon.
Lamashtu and Pazuzu also happen to hate each other's guts, and while the ancient Assyrians
didn't leave us with any clues as to the source of this intense hatred between the two, it
doesn't take a genius to figure it out.
There is only one thing that can make a man and a woman hate each other with a burning
passion that spans millenia, and that's marriage.
Sometime in the distant past, in the ages before even man's first civilizations, we're
guessing that Pazuzu and Lamashtu led a happy, blissful domestic life together.
Like so many couples though when the honey moon ended, the reality of sharing every waking
moment of your life with another individual set in.
If you've ever had a friend with an annoying habit, well imagine having to deal with that
annoying habit every second of every single day because you live together- for eternity.
Now imagine the dozens of other annoying habits that friend probably has because you don't
really know each other that intimately- and now you get to discover them one by one, and
deal with them every day.
Every month.
Every year of your life, from now, until you die.
Pazuzu and Lamasthu's relationship origins may be lost to time, but their legendary loathing
of each other is not.
The two hated each other so famously that ancient Assyrians and Babylonians would actually
call on one of them to protect themselves from attacks by the other.
They would be so eager to fight each other that they happily answered mortal's calls
for help, wanting nothing in return but the chance to seriously wreck the other's day.
So you're going to capitalize on this love gone sour and find yourself a seriously pregnant
woman that's going to lure Lamasthu near, and then you're going to simply let her loose
on Pazuzu.
Next, we recommend you stay well out of the way, because the ensuing fight between Pazuzu
and Lamashtu is going to be legendary, in the way that only fights between former lovers
can be.
Congratulations, you've defeated Pazuzu and used the power of love to win the day!
Well, sort of, we guess you've actually used the power of failed love to win the day but
hey, a victory is a victory, and on top of that you get to keep your soul after all!
Now go and get your sister to the hospital because we seriously can't overstate just
how much of a wallop those 300 million volts were, and the absolute hell they just caused
to her internal chemistry.
How would you defeat Pazuzu?
Let us know in the comments!
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