(ETHAN) Guys we are so excited
-to finally bring you the official
Fall 2016 collection
2016
(ETHAN) We've been working on this for a long time-
-in conjunction with "The Gap,"-
"Eagle Outfitter,"
"Old Navy,"
"Michael Kors"
all came together
and sat on the table to bring you...
this
Ultimate
Ultimate Fall
Ultimate Fall Look™
$1999.99...
Very reasonable price, considering that these leaves are made of-
-real fall leaves.
You go to a party...
... you're trying to meld in...
They won't even see you.
(ETHAN) Hila!
[stealthy walking noises]
(HILA) Where are you?
(HILA) I see your face...
... y o u ' r e g o n e
(ETHAN) That's the power of the Fall 2016 Look® guys!
You can disappear anytime.
(ETHAN) Hila, what do you think about our look?
(HILA) It's pretty dope.
(HILA) I think this is gonna set some new trends.
I'm feeling pretty inspired.
(ETHAN) Please visit our website at
http://thegap.com/h3h3productionsfall20169999999
that's the price
and you can't use the numbers unfortunately, their hyperlink
you have to spell out all the numbers.
So make sure you get it right.
If you guys want $1000 off your purchase today,
please visit our website:
please visit our website: CS:GOBetting
please visit our website: CS:GOBetting dot
please visit our website: CS:GOBetting dot net
and you can basically--once you've placed 900 bets
you can get a coupon for $99 off;
so make sure to run out and place your CSGO skin bets today
and you can get a huge discount on this wonderful...
...2016
2016 Fall Look™®©
(ETHAN) Hila!
(HILA) Where are you?
(HILA) Ethan...?
(HILA) I see a little white-
Er- like socks.
[invisible ghost noises]
(HILA) Is that you?
(HILA) Ethan?
(ETHAN) GOT 'EM!
And that's the power of 2-Fall '16 Look
I was hiding here for like 20 minutes, and you didn't even see me!
I promise this is worth $2000 guys!
Pick it up today,
thank you so much,
let's get 'em!
[shitty commercial music fades away]
[funky music plays over montage of clips]
(ETHAN) Hi, good morning.
(GUY) Good morning.
(ETHAN) Do you guys have like a meal with like hash-browns and coffee?
(GUY) Two coffees?
(ETHAN) Yeah.
(GUY) That'll be $11.53 at your next window.
(ETHAN) Okay.
(GUY) Thank you. (ETHAN) Thanks, appreciate it.
(GUY) Have a good day. (ETHAN) You too.
(ETHAN) That was kinda weird how he could just see me like, though.
(HILA) Yeah (ETHAN) Isn't it strange how he just saw me?
(ETHAN) Hi.
(ETHAN) Thank you, appreciate that. (GIRL) Thank you.
(ETHAN) How could they see me?
(ETHAN) That was really weird.
(HILA) Probably just the car
(ETHAN) You think the car 'cause-yeah- somebody's gotta be driving the car.
(HILA) Yeah.
(HILA) Ethan?
Ethan?
Where are you?
[more funky music]
[dog howling]
(Ethan's sister to Dog) Oh!
(Ethan's sister to Dog) It's uncle Ethan!
(ETHAN) I guess she can smell me.
(ETHAN'S SISTER) She can still smell you.
(ETHAN'S SISTER) Yep, your camo didn't-didn't fool her.
(ETHAN) I guess she came right for me.
(ETHAN) This is how you camp, isn't it?
(BRIAN) You have...
crocs?
(ETHAN) Yeah
(BRIAN) You have real tree crocs?
(ETHAN) My only regret is not getting camo socks but...
[laughing]
(ETHAN) I should-I should blend in fine.
(ETHAN'S SISTER) Might be a little green for the desert
(ETHAN) What?
We're going to the desert?
(ETHAN'S SISTER) Yeah.
(ETHAN) What are you serious?
(ETHAN'S NIECE AND SISTER) Yes.
(ETHAN'S MOM) The whole ATV
(ETHAN) Are you f-are you serious?
(Collective "Yes!")
(ETHAN) Hila, why did you buy green camo?
(HILA) You didn't say what camo.
(ETHAN) How am I gonna blend in the fucking desert wearing green?
(ETHAN'S NEICE) You can blend in with the cacti and the Joshua trees.
(ETHAN) Hila, what the hell dude it's not even funny you're making jokes, but people are gonna see me, it's embarrassing.
This is wh-I'm not going
I'm not going.
[muffled speaking]
(HILA) Ethan?
(HILA) Well at least it's pretty fashionable.
(ETHAN) At least it looks good, that's my favorite point at least I mean-yeah.
[more music]
(ETHAN) Team diarrhea squirts, watch out on the left here we got some fucking psychopath on a tractor trying to get us all.
*Skrr*
(ETHAN'S SISTER) Eyes on target, eyes on target thank you for the heads up
(ETHAN'S SISTER) good work diarrhea.
[more funky music]
(ETHAN) Is this right?
(ETHAN) Is this the correct way to wear this?
(HILA) Pretty much.
(ETHAN) We're out here in the Mojave Desert-
(ETHAN) We're gonna tear it up
(ETHAN) We're gonna rip it up-
We're gonna blow some shit up
(WOMAN) [LAUGHING]
(WOMAN) Sorry..
(ETHAN) I don't know who that is but-
Apparently she's listening to us
We're here - at fucking ATV funride
If they call it a funride, but I'm pretty sure..
That is a little fucked, no?
They're gonna put me on that little one, I know it.
Look how little that one is!
I KNOW I'm going on that little one
(BRIAN) Oh, look how good you look on that one!
(ETHAN) You're TALKING to me like I'm a kid!
(BRIAN) Perfect.
(ETHAN) I'm a grown-ass man, dude I'm 31 years old-
-and I'm sitting in a little fucking-- tonka toy
(BRIAN) Well, sometimes you-
(ETHAN) Like an 8 year old toy that you get to your kids
What - does this have a maximum speed of-
-5 mph?
(BRIAN) Hey - you start with the ponies.
-Then you can ride the thoroughbreds.
(ETHAN) Oh, okay...
I like ponies
[punk rock music]
(ETHAN) I'm fucking blowing it.
Hila, do you wanna ride with me?
I'm not sure you can handle it dude.
I'm kind of a badboy on this thing.
(HILA) Yeah, I'm not sure if I want...
(ETHAN) I'm kind of the dirt bike badboy,
I'm known out here for that
..Tearing it up
Hittin' bushes
Poppin' hills
Fucking gear four
Are you seriously trying to tell me...
That you don't want none of this?
[Screams]
You would not want any of this?
Just let me know if you want some of this.
(ETHAN) Do you not, do you want some of this? (HILA) I think I'm fine.
I'm supposed to hit the plants, right Brian?
(BRIAN) You might need some more practice-
-maybe on the pony
(ETHAN) Do you think I should be on the pony?
(BRIAN) A little time on the pony..
(ETHAN) Maybe you should follow me.
[Brian shakes head]
[more punk music]
(ETHAN) WOO!
OOOOH-
WHOOOAAAA!
(BRIAN) This is not proper motorcycle practice -
(ETHAN) Are you doubting me!?
(BRIAN) Well I'm just sayin' like..
Safety, safety third.
[more music]
(ETHAN) There's a city jail!
How is this - not - 200 years old
This is city jail,
They just throw your ass in this slammer
[Hila chuckles]
This is crazy, people LIVE out here
Do you want to pick up some batteries over at Willard's?
Do we need any batteries?
Are we good ?
[Hila chuckles]
Should I give them a shout,
HEY WILLARD!
Nah, we probably good on batteries.
"All You Need Is Love and PIZZA NOVA
200 MILES AHEAD!"
Who's -
Who's planning pizza that far -
- ahead of time
200 miles
Oh look, now its only 199.9 miles ahead
This is like Fallout: New Vegas, right here
Some crazy wild shit man
[music plays]
(ETHAN) Oh my fuck..
Alright..
This 1995 Volvo's got this shit
How do you even find this place?
We drove to the middle of fucking nowhere -
and then we're like -
TURN LEFT!
And now we're just driving through God knows
This is some spooky shit, dude
Oh my fuuuuck..
(ETHAN) So what - [laughs] - we need to do
Is take our 1995 Volvo -
Through here -
Up that-
I think we could do it
(HILA) It's pretty bad
-Other than that you can..
(ETHAN) Well, what other option do we have..?
Camp out right here?
(ETHAN) OOOH
[Hila chuckles]
(ETHAN)The-
(ETHAN)The back!
You just caught it on the back a little bit
(BRIAN) Okay,
now left..
LEFT
[Sounds bad]
Awwwh..
fuuuck
Perfect!
(ETHAN)WOOOO
Yeah!
[car horn]
[car horn again]
[music plays]
(ETHAN) Alright,
There's no road anymore-
There's just no road now
[music continues]
(ETHAN) Is he skidding out..?
(HILA) I don't know what he -
(ETHAN) You filming?
(HILA) Yeah
(ETHAN) What the fuuuck?
[music plays]
[Hila chuckles]
[music plays]
[Ethan blows]
(HILA) uh oh..
(ETHAN) Not like this!!
I'm going to die out here!!
You may think I'm overreacting-
but if this fire goes out-
we die.
[Ethan blows hard]
(BRIAN) Don't make yourself pass out.
(ETHAN) Dude! When dinners on the line
I get real serious
You guys haven't seen me this serious before
We're talking about
Cooking chicken
IF THIS FLAME GOES OUT WE ALL DIE.
Well there's like a McDonalds like ten miles that way..
But it's-
It's similar situation
[music plays]
(ETHAN) Is this funny or is this.. (HILA) Oh my GOD!
(HILA) Oh my god.
(ETHAN) Does anybody have any kids they want me to babysit?
When I'm not making - YouTube videos-
-I'm looking on craigslist for - gigs to babysit your children.
If this wasn't a disaster enough,
my brother-in-law, Brian, had this brilliant idea,
To bury a huge cans of garbanzo beans in the ground, under burning coals
So that it explodes
But here's why that's such a stupid idea
Because it's night time, and we can't even fucking see it for the glory it is
So all that's gonna happen is that something really loud and terrifying is gonna explode,
and we're all gonna wake up midst sleep absolutely terrified,
and be like "oh the can of garbanzo beans blew up."
And we'll be like "cool, what the fuck why did we do that for?"
and then there's dogs here, all that's going to happen
they're going to eat the fucking beans, shit in the car
fucking fart on the whole way home we have to drive with them
so I thought that was a pretty fucking legit idea.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
Oh my god I think I'm having a str-
(convulsing)
[Ethan Klein Cough]
(explosion, screams) (ETHAN) OH MY GOD!
(HILA) Oh my god!
Yeah yeah you can see them
that was- (laughing) I can't believe we caught that on camera
That was insane, I was just finished talking shit
I fee-about how stupid it was and it ended up being awesome
so that that there's where she blew
look at all these beans (laughter)
Waaow
Well I apologize Brian.
You want some popcorn?
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
(firework screech)
(fireworks)
(music)
I'm so scared right now
I am so scared right now
(duck call)
(ETHAN) Is there any duck around here?
(BRIAN) Oh yeah
Yeah
(ETHAN'S SISTER) Yeah there, right (duck call) at the lake.
Yeah down at the lake.
(duck call)
(music)
(HILA) Ethan?
Where did he go?
(ETHAN) Well I'm getting thirsty out here guys, I haven't drinken in a while.
My hick-ass-garbonzo-bean-blowing-up-brother-in-law
brough 30 fucking diet mountain dews, he didn't bring any water.
I'm supposed to hydrate on diet- (pouring) mountain dew?
So luckily I came prepared
Life Straw.
It's this thing, they sell this in 3rd world countries,
it can filter apparently even shit water.
You can shit in a bucket, drink if it's diarrhea, if it's liquidy enough,
but urine for example? Dope, you can do it.
It's like a little necklace so you can just bring it
whenever you come across a shit puddle or puke puddle
so you just suck like rain florence.
Let's see if we get some water.
It's Mountain Dew!
It tastes exactly the same! What kind of scam is this?
All those fucks like PewDiePie, Good Mythical Morning,
they drink their urine out of this thing and I can tell you right now
after slurping up this diet Mountain Dew,
what comes out the other end is straight up diet Mountain Dew.
The color didn't even change!
(music)
(HILA) Ethan?
Where did he go?
Ethan?
(ETHAN) Hey are you guys thirsty?
This is not a quality product but it is camo.
This is like sandpaper toilet paper
but if camouflage is that important to you, you will put anything between your legs,
because before this it was just blades of grass.
Do you guys need toilet paper?
(BRIAN) Oh not right now, thank you.
(music)
(BRIAN) Hey you wanna help out?
(ETHAN) What do you need help with?
(BRIAN) We made breakfast, we've been trying to clean up, were packing up gear,
like you've just been...
(ETHAN) I don't know, I dont know what, where's this coming from
like I brought the toilet paper.
(BRIAN) Yeah we appreciate that but you know
you've been goofing around with your survival gear
and we got a lot of chores and tasks we gotta get done
before we can go on.
(ETHAN) You have your responsibilities, I have mine.
You cooked breakfast, you set up the tent, you drove out here you did everything.
But I brought the life straw, the toilet paper and the fucking camo jelly beans.
I don't know why you gotta start shit!
Who decided to come out and stay in wind valley by the way?
Whose bright idea was that?
(BRIAN) I was just asking if you wanted to help out.
(ETHAN) I'm taking my survival gear and I'm heading out into the wild.
Here, have some jelly beans for the road.
I don't need you guys.
You think I can't handle this on my own?
I'll go out there and never come back.
(BRIAN) Aw come back Ethan, come on bud!
What are you going to do out there?
(music)
(HILA) I don't know, where did he go? I can't see him.
*Ethan?*
(BRIAN) Yeah haven't seen him in a little bit (HILA) Now I'm getting worried
(BRIAN) lets see if we can find him
(HILA) I see something like
*Ethan, what are you doing?*
There's something there but I don't see Ethan.
Is that him?
Like, I don't see Ethan.
(BRIAN) It's moving.
(HILA) I see that silver thing he took with him.
Where did he go?
(ETHAN) Help!
(HILA) Did you hear something?
(BRIAN) I think I hear cries for help
(ETHAN) Heeelp!
(ETHAN) *Desperate duck calling*
*Ethan?*
(ETHAN) *More desperate duck calls*
(HILA) Where is he?
(BRIAN) Aw man, I have no idea
that's a vast desert out there
(BRIAN) Did he bring any water with him?
(HILA) I dont think so
(ETHAN) Over here!
(BRIAN) He just brought that life straw
(Ethan screaming for help)
(duck calls)
(cries for help continue)
(duck call)
(HILA) Who is that, do you hear something?
(BRIAN) I don't know, is that Ethan?
Did he come back around?
(duck calls)
(HILA) Where is he?
(Outro plays)