we are dealing with an epidemic of
mental illness in our industry and it's
something that people are afraid to talk
about or confront or take care of
themselves a lot of people don't
understand how to deal with people that
have anxiety depression because they
don't know what to say it took a lot of
prominent figures in the restaurant
industry and outside to help us figure
out that it is ok to talk about this
I was much more affected by Anthony
Bourdain's death and I thought I would
be what was scariest about it was that I
realized it could be me after Anthony
Bourdain passed sadly a couple of
acquaintances and I've heard of numerous
people in the food and beverage industry
taking their lives and he was this icon
of positivity and living life to the
fullest he was the last person people
thought would commit suicide and he had
stream of depression that nobody knew
about if a chef like Anthony Bourdain
could kill himself then how a chef like
myself can deal with my mental issues
and deal with all the stress that comes
with the industry in the restaurant
industry there's a big macho sort of
persona that whatever restaurant you're
working and you have to adapt to that
tough nothing bothers me I got the
biggest ego you have to look happy
because if you don't then that affects
the people around you and they feed off
your energy so even when your life is in
shambles
nobody can know that only reason why
people listen to you respect you for how
much you can take under pressure as a
black chef a lot of times I have to be
strong but not too strong like I can get
angry but not too angry if I come off as
too strong then I'm the angry black
woman I think it's a biracial chef it's
always tough because your whole life you
feel like you don't fit in it makes you
more isolated so the challenge is how do
you make that decision to break down
those walls and open up a couple of
times that I've opened up to people that
I thought would would be supportive you
don't need that you don't need to be on
the antidepressants right now you're
fine and runs anywhere from there to
well I always thought you were stronger
than that being vulnerable should be
viewed as honest and honesty takes
strength I had to actually untrain
myself over the years to be Who I am in
the restaurant industry were kind of a
giant band of misfit toys and we wonder
whether it's that we attract people who
have issues that are going on
or we create the issues because of the
environment the restaurant
lives in there's such a huge pressure to
work until you basically fall apart I
have often felt guilty for not working
90 some hours a week I have felt guilty
if I leave before we close if you're not
at work you better be in the hospital
debtor in jail because of the pressure
and the fear that I was going to lose my
job I didn't call in sick and I spent
two weeks in the hospital fighting for
my life with double pneumonia most of my
career I didn't have any days off I was
the first person to walk in the kitchen
the last person to leave that would be
8:00 in the morning until 1:00 in the
morning for a lot of us when we go home
there's nobody around up until recently
my usual way of coping with it was to
just drink myself to a point where my
brain would shut up most of us are
working off of passion over money I have
survived off of ten $11 an hour working
overtime two jobs on top of having to
pay back $65,000 worth of student loans
I would work at a place where I was
making 1150 and halfway through the work
week I didn't even have enough money to
catch the bus when you work so hard and
you can't even pay your bills that
really hits you hard it makes you feel
worthless every plate there's a new
curtain opening and you're being judged
that creates a very stressful
environment you don't get the
opportunity to edit the work that you've
done you don't really get a second
chance some of the things that have
become normalized in the restaurant
industry that I really wish weren't the
drug abuse the alcoholism the physical
abuse the sexual abuse when I was a
young cook I've had chefs spit in my
face I've had him screaming in my face
cussing in my face the chef would ask me
into his office and close the door
behind me he would corner me and yell at
me he would throw utensils at me and he
also would ask me to do things like lick
his face I had to leave the industry
after 14 years when I realized it was
just too hard on me physically and
mentally
I've been a personal chef for about a
year now and the thought of going back
in the kitchen is scary I have been
reprimanded in an aggressive and
belittling way to get someone's point
across I have also been that person and
I don't ever want to be that person
anymore this is my first time talking
publicly about my struggles being such a
young manager it causes a lot of anxiety
sometimes depression as of now I've been
able to afford to go see a therapist it
was important for me to speak up so that
way maybe someone else who's going
through what I'm going through knows
that they're not alone I'm not broken
because I have anxiety I try not to feel
any stigma about taking an anti-anxiety
medication I know that I have to take
care of myself to be able to take care
of other people I've considered suicide
a couple of times in my life right about
a year ago Tampa was about to get
destroyed by a major hurricane you know
in the slowest time of year we Justin
had our business cut by about 75 percent
I mean maybe a month later the news
starts reporting about a serial killer
in the neighborhood again our business
was down 50 to 75 percent that stress of
again putting on the good face being a
leader with all the answers just you
know took an amazing toll on me I tried
to kill myself three times in about a
year I had something to drink on the
side and I just took a razor blade and
started going and my now ex-girlfriend
she had walked through the door and even
then I was trying to be the restaurant
tough guy like it's totally fine and you
know don't go to the hospital and I go
and work brunch the next day and in the
middle of a hot summer you know in
Chicago wearing long sleeves and all the
time aren't you hot people are asking
man you must be a cold soul I don't get
it I was adopted I was abused sexually
abused I was gay in Mississippi at the
time that I was suicidal I never talked
about it
and I was very lucky that I had
something inside me
that call it hope I want to effect a
social change especially within the
restaurant industry because it's the
place I love to be we could start a
conversation it's going to help millions
of people speak out to someone don't
keep it a secret because secrets breed
pain and torture my team and I came
together and organized an event called
heard to bring food and beverage people
together to just show that it's okay to
not be okay in Sacramento we've lost a
bunch of people over the last year to
suicide and so we've started to talk
about it among ourselves and brought 15
restaurant tours together were doing a
series and eight our trainings shorthand
would be like CPR for mental health it's
a challenge that has no victories it's a
challenge that will have fewer defeats
we can create an environment that it's
accepting I'm really tired of watching
people die too young the fear of losing
a michelin-star the the fear of a
business closing and felling the the
pressure of a bad review these aren't
reasons to take your life I don't want
to be alone I don't want to strive to be
great if there's no one to share it with
we've gotten to the point now where when
people have mental health issues during
service instead of saying breakdowns
we're trying to actually spend a
positive light on it so we call them
breakthroughs don't downplay your story
just because someone else has a worse
story your story still matters you have
to find that support system and alcohol
and drugs is not that we need to accept
that we have this problem before we can
change it it's not just in the food
industry it's not just the people that
you would expect sit down and look at
the employee or your coworker who you
know is having these issues all of those
red flags they I don't know anymore
the I don't know if I can do it are you
okay have you tried to kill yourself
it's gonna take an honest tough
conversation if you really want to
change how people look at this
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