- Boy am I stuffed.
I must've sampled food from over 10 caterers.
- Did you find one for the banquet?
- Not yet.
Oh, but I did learn that baked Alaska can actually
be cooked locally.
(audience laughter)
- Rose, I have an even bigger scoop for ya.
Mars bars are made right here on earth.
(laughs)
Thanks a lot Rose, this is a great Valentine's weekend,
stuck in a hotel at a nudist camp for 10 hours.
- I'm sorry Dorothy, it's all my fault,
I misunderstood the brochure.
- Fun in the buff at a mountain retreat.
Hike, swim and play volleyball while the sun
beats down on your fanny.
Call David Horowitz, I mean how can they get away
with this misrepresentation?
- They are tearing down the most important building
in Blanche Devereaux family history.
- Oh, my God, they're tearing down Mattress World.
I remember when Grandma was in a wheelchair,
she was on the go from morning to night.
But she always had time to talk to her grandchildren.
See if I close my eyes,
I can hear her saying,
"Come on you snot nosed little rugrats.
"Pick up those jacks they're puncturing holes in my tires.".
- Whatever happened to her?
- She colonized life on Venus.
I'm so nervous.
Have you ever given a eulogy?
- You mean at a funeral?
- No Rose, at a pie eating contest.
Emily's parents left her in our care,
we do have two options.
We can either wait for the Children's Protective Services
to contact us, which should take about 48 hours.
Or we can take her in.
- Take her in.
- Around the inseam Rose.
- This is amazing.
This is so amazing to think I'm giving a press conference
and next week we all go to Moscow.
Can you believe it, Dorothy?
- No, but then again,
I can't believe that God wanted Jerry Faldwell
to go down that water slide in a cheap suit.
- Oh, Dorothy, you cannot possibly begin to comprehend
the terrible trauma a gorgeous woman goes through
when she realizes her beauty is starting to fade.
- And who do you see when you look at me Blanche?
Joe Pepatone?
I single-handedly ruined a man's life today.
- Which hand?
- This hand.
- For your information I'm upset because I had a date
and he called an canceled.
- Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Was it anybody special?
- Well, that's not the point.
He might've taken me some place where I'd meet
someone who is.
- Well, you know it's amazing,
beneath that thin veneer of superficiality
somehow miraculously there is another even thinner veneer.
- The Consumer Show asked me to test these
chemically treated lenses.
The theory is they don't fog up when you come in from
the cold.
Excuse me.
- Rose, leave the glasses in the refrigerator,
close the door, and keep your head out here with us.
- How will I know if they fog up?
- The little man who lives in there who turns the light on
and off, he'll tell you.
- I'm not in the mood for jokes.
Especially about the little man.
You know he scares me.
- Actually, I tend to fall between sizes myself.
Usually I'm smack dab between a four ...
- And a 16.
- Mrs. Lindstrom, how would you like a little tour
of our home while Rose is fixing that snack?
- Oh, I don't think this is a good time for that Blanche.
Mother's had a big day and I don't want her
to get overtired.
- Rose, she can skip the east wing, Rose.
- We had a pig once.
All the male pigs loved her.
Oh, she was very beautiful and she got pregnant
and we never knew who the father was.
- Oh, my God, Rose, what did you do on Father's Day?
What are you doing now?
- I'm taking my bee pollen and sheep's liver extract
and my fish oil protein.
I'm getting younger with each passing day.
- Great, great, when they defrost Walt Disney,
you'll have someone to go out with.
- Well, we are going away for a romantic weekend
to the Bahamas with Beth and Rich and Randy.
In this day and age, it might be a good idea
to take a long some protection.
- What kinda protection?
- Two armed pinkerton guards.
- Buddy, would you like to stay for dinner?
I'm making sweet and sour smelt Kabobs.
- Smelt kabobs, oh darn, I had them for lunch.
- He caught Gil Kesler having an affair!
- Oh, you're kidding.
With whom?
- They don't know her name,
but look they hid in the bushes and took this picture
of her from behind going into his house.
- I don't believe it.
Wait a minute, that looks like Blanche's red dress.
(laughs)
- Those look like Blanche's red shoes.
- And aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet?
- That little floozie stole Blanche's clothes.
(audience laughter)
- It's like having Agatha Christie
right here in our kitchen.
(audience laughter)