HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK.
HAPPY FRIDAY TO ALL OF YOU.
I'M SO GLAD OUR FRIEND... JOHN OLIVER STAYED AROUND.
DEAR FRIEND.
>> WOW!
CLOSE-- CLOSE FRIEND, AS YOU CAN TELL FROM THE PAUSE BETWEEN
FRIEND -- >> Stephen: I ALMOST CALLED
YOU JON STEWART IS THE THING.
THAT'S HOW MUCH LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU.
>> GREAT ESCAPE.
THANK YOU.
THAT IS A STEVE McQUEEN-LIKE ESCAPE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I DIDN'T NEED A BASEBALL.
WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: I LOVE TALKING TO YOU ON THE SHOW.
>> ME, TOO, ALWAYS.
>> Stephen: AND BEING ON YOUR SHOW IS ALWAYS FUN, BUT IT'S
ALWAYS IN PUBLIC.
WE CAN'T GET PERSONAL.
>> THAT'S A FAIR POINT.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
BUT I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO CATCH UP IN A MORE
PRIVATE, PERSONAL SPACE.
WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
>> WE NEED TO GIVAT A TRY.
>> Stephen: GOOD.
JOIN ME NOW IN "THE LATE SHOW'S" PERSONAL SPACE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HI.
>> OH, BOY.
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M-- I THINK I'M OKAY.
THIS IS AN INTERESTING INTERPRETATION OF THE PHRASE
"PERSONAL SPACE."
>> Stephen: YES.
SO JUST WHAT'S GREAT IS WE CAN JUST NUMBER HERE AND NOBODY CAN
SEE US.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: WHAT WE SAY IN THE BOX STAYS IN THE BOX, OKAY?
>> IS THAT-- IS THAT A PROMISE?
>> Stephen: IT'S A TV PROMISE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> I'LL TAKE IT.
>> Stephen: FIRST PERSON QUESTION: HAVE YOU EVER DONE A
DEEP DIVE ON YOUR SHOW AND AT THE END OF IT, EVEN YOU DON'T
KNOW WHAT THE (BLEEP) YOU JUST TALKED ABOUT?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> I WANT TO SAY THAT HAPPENS A MAXIMUM OF ONE IN FOUR TIMES.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: DO YOU MOISTURIZE?
( LAUGHTER ) >> IS THAT A QUESTION OR AN
INHERENT CRITICISM?
I FEEL LIKE THAT'S A QUESTION I SHOULD ASK YOU, "DO I
MOISTURIZE?" >> Stephen: SCIENCE ISN'T IN
ON THAT.
>> OKAY, I'LL TAKE THAT AS A HARD YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR-- YOU DON'T HAVE TO WHISPER, BY THE
WAY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
IT'S TOTALLY SAFE.
AGAIN, THIS IS SOUNDPROOF.
THIS WHOLE BOX IS SOUNDPROOF.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: OKAY?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU GET TO SAY BAD WORDS ON HBO, AND I DON'T
BECAUSE I'M ON CBS.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CURSE WORD YOU GET TO SAY ON HBO?
>> LISTEN, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BLEEP THIS OUT.
>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY.
>> IT'S SO FRUSTRATING FOR YOU.
BUT A SIMPLE JOURNEYMAN (BLEEP) HAS, YOU KNOW, THE SOFT "F" AND
THE NICE LANDING OF THE HARD "K."
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE, WOW.
YOU'RE REALLY A CONNOISSEUR.
YOU'RE REALLY A CONNOISSEUR OF THIS.
>> IT'S-- IT'S REALLY A PIECE OF CUTLERY YOU WANT TO GO INTO
BATTLE.
>> Stephen: W.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
DO YOU WANT-- DO YOU WANT A MINT OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
>> I WOULD TAKE A MINT.
>> Stephen: LET'S SEE IF I GOT-- IF I CAN GET ONE IN HERE.
>> OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WAIT, WAIT, DO YOU
WANT-- DO YOU WANT SOME BINACA.
>> Stephen: I'LL ATTACK A BINACA.
>> MMMWHOOO!
IT REALLY BURNS THE CHIN, DOESN'T IT?
THEY DON'T SAY THAT ON THE BOTTLE.
>> Stephen: NO.
NOW, YOU'VE BEEN IN THE UNITED STATES FOR HOW MANY YEARS, HOW
MANY YEARS?
>> I'VE BEEN HERE FOR 11 YEARS.
>> Stephen: 11 YEARS.
>> I THINK OUR HAIR IS ATTACHING, BY THE WAY.
IT'S LIKE--
>> Stephen: VELCRO!
IT'S LIKE VELCRO!
>> WE'RE LIKE TWO BALLOONS.
IS IT NORMAL FOR YOUR QUADS TO FEEL QUITE SO FIERY?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU'RE GOING TO BE
SO TONED.
>> HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THIS IS A WORKOUT WHEN WE'RE LITERALLY
STILL?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WHEN-- WHEN YOU-- YOU HAVE BEEN HERE FOR 11 YEAR
>> UH-HUH,IES.
>> Stephen: YOU STILL-- YOU STILL HAVE THE RIDICULOUS
ACCENT.
( LAUGHTER ) IS THAT-- IS THAT BECAUSE IT
MAKES YOU SOUND SMART, OR BECAUSE WHEN YOU SAY THINGS THEY
SOUND WAY FUNNIER WHEN YOU SAY IT WITH THAT ACCENT?
>> I THINK IT'S THE CURRENCY I TRAFFIC IN.
I THINK YOU TAKE AWAY THIS ACCENT.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> AND YOU REALIZE I'M NOT ACTUALLY LEFT WITH MUCH.
( LAUGHTER ) AGAIN, THIS IS-- THIS IS-- THIS
IS A PRIVATE BOX, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: OH, NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.
>> THE SECRET SAUCE IS YOU WANT AN IMPERIAL-SOUNDING ACCENT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> AGAIN, YOU GIVE ME YOUR ABSOLUTE WORD THAT THIS DOESN'T
GO OUTSIDE THIS BOX, STEVE GLEN OH, NO, NO (BLEEP) NO.
>> I'M JUST SAYING, IF YOU IMAGINE MY SHOW WITH ME SOUNDING
LIKE I'M FROM QUEENS...
>> Stephen: YUP.
>> NO ONE'S WATCHING THAT (BLEEP) SHOW, STEPHEN.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I WOULDN'T WATCH IT.
WOULDN'T WATCH IT.
YOU
>> "EVERYBODY, WELCOME, THE LAST WEEK TONIGHT, HOW YOU DOING?"
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE
SYSTEM.
>> GUESS WHAT, TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT VACCINES!
>> Stephen: I WANT YOU TO BE HONEST WITH THE NEXT ONE, OKAY?
HAVE YOU WATCH "THE CROWN?
IS THIS.
>> I'VE SEEN THE PILOT EPISODE OF IT.
>> Stephen: DID YOU CRY?
NO.
>> Stephen: JOHN?
>> I CRIED-- YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THE LEVEL OF CLASS
RESENTMENT THAT I HAVE IN ME, STEPHEN.
FICRIED, IT WAS TEARS OF WHITE, HOT RAGE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE LOWEST CURRENCY THAT YOU WOULD PICK UP
OFF A SIDEWALK?
WHAT'S THE SMALLEST COIN YOU WOULD PICK UP?
>> I'M NOT WALKING PAST A QUARTER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: BAIT DIME, YOU'RE
JUST WALKING PAST THE DIME.
>> A DIME, I'M KICKING INTO THE GUTTER AND FEELING LIKE KING OF
THE WORLD.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
ANOTHER VALENTINE'S DAY IS NEXT WEEK.
>> YUP.
I'M LITERALLY OUT OF BREATH, AND I HAVEN'T MOVED.
( LAUGHTER ) ANY-- ANY DOCTOR IN THE WORLD IS
GOING TO SEE THIS AS A WARNING SIGN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: VALENTINE'S DAY IS
NEXT WEEK.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHO WAS YOUR FIRST KISS?
( LAUGHTER ) NO JUDGMENT.
NO JUDGMENT, JOHN.
>> I CAN'T REMEMBER HER NAME.
NO, IT'S NOT-- LISTEN.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE STORY?
HOW DID YOU MEET HER?
>> NO, THE STORY-- I WAS A CHILD.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: AND SHE WAS, TOO.
>> SHE WAS 44.
SHE WAS MY TEACHER.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: UH-HUH.
>> UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
IS THIS NEITHER THE TIME NOR THE PLACE FOR A CONFESSION LIKE
THAT?
>> Stephen: COULD BE, COULD BE.
( LAUGHTER ) WHO'S YOUR NEXT KISS?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SEASON 5 OF "LAST
WEEK TONIGHT"...
>> WITH JOHNNY FROM QUEENS.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.