Thanks to Gabe Turner, my career over here was in tatters.
The knighthood was out the window.
I was never gonna be allowed on TV ever again.
But I was, like, it's fine.
Because this is gonna be the year that I break America.
No, don't whoo.
America, very much still intact.
I got an American manager.
Chad, the American manager.
Never heard more crap come out of a man's mouth in my life.
"Kid, what you gotta think about me is that I'm not your manager.
I'm your team mate. OK? And there is no 'I' in team."
No, but there is one in "bullshit."
Tricked me into signing with him, did Chad, as well.
He was, like, "You sign with me, there is a movie with a part in it.
Oh, my God. This part, it was written for you kid.
It was written for you.
I represent the director.
You sign with me, the part is yours."
I was, like, "Great, thanks Chad. Sign me up."
Joined the agency.
Auditioned for the part that was "written for me."
Didn't get it.
Went to see the film six months later.
Do you know who was playing the part
that was "written for me"?
Idris Elba.
I'm not having a pop.
Obviously, Idris is a great actor.
And in hindsight, he probably made a much better
Nelson Mandela than I would have. It’s fine.
"I have been on a long walk to freedom."
No, it wasn't right.
Don't do the voice.
It's not even the worst audition Chad got me.
The worst audition came when I was in America last.
Now, before I tell you what this audition was for,
I need to give some of you a little bit of back-story
about my acting career.
When I was at school I was a big fan of drama.
I know. Shock, horror.
Not the only fan of drama at my school, though.
The other guy that was really into drama at my school
was a chap called Robert Pattinson.
There he is. Young R Patz, star of the Twilight films.
And, every time there was a school play at my school,
Robert Pattinson would get cast in the lead role,
and villager 17...
would go to this guy.
Yeah. Laugh it up!
For some reason, my drama teacher wanted the star of his play
to be the young James Dean and not the young K D Lang.
And it's fair to say that, over the years,
I've built up a little bit of resentment towards R Patz.
He became my rival.
Rival's a strong word.
Nemesis.
He is my nemesis.
And I've made jokes about him before.
I've called him a wooden actor.
I've written an entire show about him.
I have milked that titty dry
for every droplet of its bitter, bitter milk.
Eventually, one day and I was, like,
"You need to put that anger away in a box.
You need to hide it away
and you need to get on with your life."
And I vowed that I would never speak about
Robert Pattinson on stage ever again.
And it was going really well.
Until Chad called me up out of the blue.
He was, like, "Kid, oh, my God, I got you an audition for a movie.
This part is amazing, and get this:
in this movie you would be starring opposite...
Robert Pattinson."
OMG.
FML.
WTF.
And, you know what the word was that chimed? "Opposite."
Not below. Not beneath. Not behind Robert Pattinson.
Opposite Robert Pattinson.
After all these years of feeling inadequate at his hands,
finally, me and my nemesis were on a level playing field
and it felt amazing.
I was, like, "Chad, tell me about the part. What are we?
A couple of swashbuckling heroes?
You know, good cop, bad cop?
Two dashing gents competing for the hand of a fair maiden?"
He went, "No, not quite.
In this movie, you would be playing Matt, and Matt..."
Get ready for it.
"Matt is Robert Pattinson's character's
mentally handicapped brother."
Yes.
I thought it was a tasteless joke as well.
Ten minutes later, that dropped into my inbox.
It was a genuine audition to play
the younger brother of Robert Pattinson
with, to use the politically correct term,
Chad, learning difficulties.
I had to go away and have a little think about this offer, ok?
I told my friends.
They all thought it was hilarious.
I told my father.
My father, slightly more pragmatic
about the whole situation.
He went, "Well, you've got to go for it, son.
Those kind of parts are Oscar bait."
"Look at history: What's Eating Gilbert Grape,
Rain Man, Forrest Gump...
You know what they say, son: play a mong, get a gong."
No, they do not say that.
You have just said that.
But, here's where the ego of the actor kicks in.
Within about five minutes I'm thinking,
"Well, he has got a point.
This is my chance to prove to the world
that I'm a serious actor.
I'm taking the audition."
It was the weirdest audition I have ever done.
The first thing that was unusual about this audition
is that there was no script.
I was told that I would just have to walk into the room,
with the casting director, and improvise in character.
Well, I had to ask some questions.
I went in.
The casting director was sat there.
I was, like, "Um, hello,
I just needed to know, um,
how...
mentally, you know...
do you want me to be?"
He said, "What you're doing now is fantastic."
I haven't started!
The note that came back was amazing.
They referred me to the original email.
They said, "What we want from your character,
everything about him should be dulled and emotionless.
From facial expressions to the tone of his voice."
I said, "Is it not gonna look weird if I'm doing
the exact same thing as Robert Pattinson?"
Burn! Yeah.
Whoo!