NOW, IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU TAPED YOUR T.V. SHOW EARLIER
TONIGHT, AND RIGHT NOW YOU'RE AT HOME ON THE COUCH WITH A
COCKTAIL MADE OF EQUAL PARTS BOURBON AND MUCINEX -- I CALL IT
"THE COLD FASHIONED" -- AND YOU JUST FINISHED WATCHING
TONIGHT'S REPUBLICAN DEBATE.
I BET TONIGHT WAS THE BEST ONE YET.
BECAUSE WE ARE JUST 19 DAYS AWAY FROM THE FIRST OFFICIAL VOTE AT
THE IOWA CAUCUSES -- AND WINNING IOWA IS CRUCIAL FOR WINNING THE
REPUBLICAN NOMINATION.
JUST ASK THE GUY WHO WON IOWA IN 2012, PRESIDENT RICK SANTORUM.
THANK YOU, SIR.
(APPLAUSE) SO THE CANDIDATES ARE STEPPING
UP THEIR GAMES.
FOR INSTANCE, JEB!
LAST WEEK, I REPORTED THAT JEB!
HAD REVITALIZED HIS CAMPAIGN WITH A BOLD NEW STRATEGY.
>> JEB BUSH SAYS THAT HE SEES HIMSELF AS A JOYFUL TORTOISE.
AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT HE TOLD A TEENAGER ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL
YESTERDAY.
THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE GAVE THE BOY A TOY
TURTLE AND SAYS HE CARRIES THEM AROUND IN HIS POCKET.
>> STEPHEN: YES, HE GIVES OUT TOY TURTLES.
HE TRIED USING REAL TURTLES, BUT THEY KEPT CRAWLING OUT OF HIS
POCKETS AND THEN PASSING HIM IN THE POLLS.
BUT GUESS WHAT?
I CALLED IT.
LAST WEEK, I SAID THIS GUY WAS DUE FOR A COMEBACK, AND
ACCORDING TO REUTERS, HE IS NOW IN THIRD PLACE NATIONALLY.
♪ AINT' NO STOPPIN US NOW!
JEB'S ON THE MOVE! ♪ HE'S ON A ROCKET FUELED ELEVATOR
STRAIGHT TO THE THIRD FLOOR!
AND IF MY MATH IS RIGHT, THERE ARE ONLY TWO PLACES "ABOVE"
THAT.
THAT'S AT LEAST A BRONZE.
SPEAKING OF BRONZER -- DONALD TRUMP.
THE LATEST IOWA POLLS HAVE TRUMP JUST THREE POINTS BEHIND TED
CRUZ, WHO HAS BEEN LEADING IN IOWA EVER SINCE GEORGE PATAKI
DROPPED OUT, AND CRUZ PICKED.
UP ALL OF PATAKI'S VOTER.
TRUMP DID WHAT A CORNERED TRUMP DOES.
HE WENT ON THE ATTACK BY EXPOSING A DARK SECRET FROM
CRUZ'S PAST.
>> HE WAS BORN IN CANADA.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT, ONLY NATURAL BORN CITIZENS CAN BE
PRESIDENT, AND CRUZ WAS BORN...
IN CANADA!
THAT, OF COURSE, IS THE SOUND OF CANADA'S NATIONAL BIRD, THE
LOON.
IF YOU KNEW THAT, YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO BE PRESIDENT.
OR MAYBE YOU ARE.
I THINK THE WHOLE THING IS HORSE (BLEEP).
BUT TRUMP DOESN'T.
LISTEN TO WHAT TRUMP HAS BEEN PLAYING AT "HIS" RALLIES.
♪ BORN IN THE U.S.A. ♪ "BORN IN THE U.S.A.!"
IT COULD BE WORSE, TED.
HE COULD BE TAUNTING YOU WITH THE CANADIAN ANTHEM -- I THINK
IT'S THAT BARENAKED LADIES SONG:
♪ CHIKKITY-CHINA, THE CHINESE CHICKEN ♪
♪ YOU HAVE A DRUM STICK AND YOUR BRAIN STOPS TICKIN' ♪
♪ OUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND ♪ BUT CRUZ HAS HIS OWN SNAPPY
MUSICAL COMEBACK.
>> NOW TED CRUZ IS SAYING DONALD TRUMP, YOU KNOW, IS FROM
SOMEWHERE EVEN WORSE THAN CANADA: NEW YORK.
>> I THINK HE MAY SHIFT IN HIS NEW RALLIES TO PLAYIN' "NEW
YORK, NEW YORK."
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, DONALD COMES FROM NEW YORK, AND HE EMBODIES
NEW YORK VALUES.
>> STEPHEN: I DON'T LIKE WHAT HE'S INSINUATING ABOUT NEW YORK,
THAT DONALD TRUMP COMES FROM HERE.
THAT IS JUST A NASTY THING TO SAY!
BUT MAYBE TED CRUZ IS MISINTERPRETING TRUMP CONSTANTLY
QUESTIONING HIS CITIZENSHIP.
AS TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER EXPLAINED, "WE'RE TRYING TO
HELP."
YES, HE'S TRYING TO HELP.
TODAY IT'S "HE WAS BORN IN CANADA."
TOMORROW, MAYBE INSERTING HIM INTO OLD EPISODES OF "DEGRASSI
JUNIOR HIGH".
BESIDES, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME THE NATURAL BORN CITIZEN
ISSUE HAS COME UP IN AN ELECTION.
IN 2008, ONE CANDIDATE'S UNUSUAL, POSSIBLY UNAMERICAN
ORIGINS HAD A LOT OF PEOPLE SUSPICIOUS: JOHN MCCAIN.
SENATOR MCCAIN WAS BORN IN PANAMA, ON A U.S. MILITARY BASE.
BUT THAT WAS ALL CLEARED UP WHEN ALL HIS SENATE COLLEAGUES,
INCLUDING BARACK OBAMA, STEPPED IN AND PASSED A RESOLUTION
DECLARING HIM A NATURAL BORN CITIZEN.
NOW, CRUZ ISN'T PARTICULARLY POPULAR IN CONGRESS.
HE HAS BEEN DESCRIBED BY MEMBERS OF HIS OWN PARTY AS A "JACKASS,"
"A WACKO BIRD," "THE REPUBLICAN NO OTHER REPUBLICAN CAN STAND."
AND, WHILE THE OTHER LEADING REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES WOULD
BENEFIT FROM CRUZ BEING INELIGIBLE, I'M SURE HIS FELLOW
REPUBLICANS SENATORS WILL RALLY AROUND HIM LIKE THEY DID WITH
MCCAIN.
RIGHT, MITCH MCCONNELL?
>> I DON'T THINK THE SENATE OUGHT TO GET IN THE MIDDLE OF
IT.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, BUT IN 2008 WHEN MCCAIN WAS --
>> I JUST DON'T THINK THE SENATE OUGHT TO GET IN THE MIDDLE OF
THIS.
>> STEPHEN: WELL, LOOKS LIKE JEB BUSH HAS ONE MORE LUCKY TURTLE
IN HIS POCKET.