- [Host] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.
This is Breaking News.
- Hello, and welcome to Breaking News.
The show where we don't know what we're about to say,
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Sam Rish.
- And I'm Sam Rike.
Our top story tonight,
billionaire owner of Dropout TV, Sam Reich,
has announced a new conservative media venture
known as Dropout America.
- Reich released a statement saying,
"These woke libs with their green hair and loser bicycles
want to tax me out of my vacation home
to pay for some kid (laughing)
I've never met to go to third grade.
I call bullshit.
- The Game Changer host went on to say that
poor people should have to pay to use the fire department,
and that we should get rid of libraries
because they attract, quote, "the wrong types".
- The move comes amid the Dimension 20 contestant's
recent shift toward overt right-wing politics, contestant?
The seven most conservative things
Sam Reich has said recently are:
"I feel like being poor is a choice."
"The only mental health I need
is at the bottom of a bottle of Budweiser."
- I don't drink.
- "The Statue of Liberty is the only woman I respect.
- That one's layered.
- You've got four more.
- I know I'm putting way too much mustard on these.
- Take your time; we edit these.
- "The only difference between France and Germany
is that they're too ethnic."
"Donald Trump gets a bad rap.
Also, I don't care for rap."
Two more.
"The greatest American sport is fishing
and the one after that is tax evasion,"
and "I was glad to see Trebek go."
(whistles)
- Dropout America under Reich's dictator-like control
will feature a slate of alt-right programming.
Adam Carolla will host a talk show called Canceled?
in which he interviews C-list comedians
and faded glory athletes on their political beliefs.
They've announced five other shows along these lines:
Fly-fishing with Sam,
Who's Gonna Get Deported Today,
in a spinoff series, Kids in Cages,
and fourth, a show, Stars and Stripes and Titties Forever,
and the fifth show is
Get Back in the Kitchen.
- Sorry I'm coming out of the fugue state of the horror
that is this episode to do this next line there.
Those closest to Reich are offering stories
to illuminate the shift in tone.
Here to comment is his wife, Elaine Carroll.
- You have got to be kidding me.
- Sam has changed.
The other day, I heard him say to a delivery guy,
"You want a tip? Here's a tip.
Next time, call me sir.
Now I'm giving you to the count of 10
to get off my property
before I get five iron
and take out the headlights on that so-called car of yours."
And when I was like,
"That's totally inappropriate."
He was like,
"Yeah, whatever. I could have totally kicked that guy's ass.
Oh, I can't say ass anymore.
Thanks a lot, Dr. Fauci."
After that, he just started crying.
He also told me that he wished that
instead of having a cat and a dog, we had two guns.
- We'll continue with team coverage of this development.
Here's Sam Reesh live from Reich's palatial new mansion.
- Hello Sam.
I'm coming to you live from the worst part of Los Angeles,
Beverly Hills.
Sam Reich has settled into a sprawling estate
with a tennis court, a climbing wall and a small vineyard,
which is odd because Sam is famously allergic to alcohol.
That's true.
There's debate as to whether
he bought the winery out of spite,
so that no one else could have the grapes,
or if he's been faking his allergy the whole time
just to be an asshole.
- There's word that Sam fakes most of his allergies.
It's a Munchhausen syndrome thing.
- Sam gave a few reporters a tour,
wearing only an open bathrobe and a pair of briefs.
There was a swimming pool
that can only be described as porny,
complete with a grotto and a hot tub
that he continually pointed out
was body temperature before winking.
He told us that we should all come back that night
because the place would be
absolutely crawling with sexy models.
Then he got a turkey leg from somewhere
and ate it while he walked.
The turkey grease got in his chest hair,
and he just rubbed it in.
- Was there any other food?
- No. Sam said he's not much of a foodie
and will just eat whatever trash is lying around.
I broke off from the tour and got a look at his bedroom.
What I saw there shocked me,
and I'll need at least 90 seconds to describe it in detail.
I looked to my left.
(laughing)
There was just a large,
straight up elephant head that-
it had written on it in its own blood,
"I did this,
comma,
me, Sam Reich,
did this.
I did this by myself."
Disgusting. I looked over to my right.
There was an animal that was even more rare.
A bunch of those owls that everybody's talking about.
Just their heads literally taped to the wall.
He didn't even bother, you know, properly hanging them.
He just taped them.
It looked like scotch tape.
On the floor, there was just straight up maple syrup.
Just literally all over the place.
I accidentally stepped in it.
I got stuck to the ground.
So how long had it been there? Who knows?
- Maple syrup is one of the few sweeteners
that I can have given my allergies.
- I'll never forget what I've seen here today.
Back to you in the studio.
- Thank you, Sam.
We go now to an exclusive interview with the man himself,
Sam Reich. Sam, good evening.
- Good evening, you dick.
- What a terrible energy to begin an interview with.
- Yeah, that's my vibe, now.
I'm sick of pretending to be a friendly, affable, nice guy.
I'm very mean, and it's time you all knew it.
Now I'm going to say some things
that I've wanted to say for a long time.
Oh boy, these are my real thoughts.
If someone clips them from this video
and I try to say later that it was out of context,
I'm lying.
I'm not using the prompter right now.
This is totally off the dome.
Grant, you son of a bitch.
First of all, teachers and nurses should be paid less.
(gasping)
What's a nurse?
Stock a vending machine with Advil,
and it can do the same job,
and if teachers want to make more money,
they should be smart enough to be principals.
Second of all, I think that ladies' bras should have
a second underwire that's just there to poke them.
Bras should hurt.
That's my opinion.
Oh my God.
My three favorite actors are Kevin Spacey,
Woody Allen, and Woody Spacey,
a deep fake hybrid of the two that I made on my Dell.
Oh yeah, I love Dells.
Please no.
Dungeons and Dragons is bad,
and so are game shows,
I miss the Hollywood blacklist.
Just in case it ever comes back,
here are five friends of mine
that I know are card-carrying communists:
Grant O'Brien, Mike Schaubach, the director of this episode,
David Kerns, a producer on this episode,
Chloe Banner, production designer on this episode,
and Justin Cyrul, who is also on the crew of this episode.
Coal is good.
The only thing that would make coal better
would be if it was- (laughing)
If it was dirtier,
and if Woody Spacey owned a coal mine.
When I go to restaurants with friends,
I do that thing where I wait for them to say,
"This one's on me,"
and then I say, "No, no.
Please let me pay for half,"
knowing full well that they will refuse.
Plays suck.
Theater sucks.
How dare you?
Samuel Beckett sucks.
I'm sorry, Sam.
If I ever tried to go to a play again,
the usher should refuse to seat me
because I'll steal something from the set
if I get a chance,
Speaking of plays, Abraham Lincoln deserved it.
Here are three more controversial opinions of mine.
Director, please don't let this episode move on
unless these opinions are truly, truly awful.
Oh boy, rice is more flavorful than it gets credit for.
That's something I actually believe.
Survivor is a brilliant show, straight up genius.
Jeff Probst really knows what he's doing.
Mixing patterns in terms of clothing is loud,
and I don't like it.
Finally, sushi should have grapes.
That is not my actual opinion,
to be clear where the teleprompter picked up.
Back to you in the studio, you dicks.
- That was horrible.
- That's it for us,
but before we go,
we'll announce that tonight's loser is Sam Reich.
As punishment, they have to watch me eat this
sushi- (laughing)
made with grapes.
- No.
- Well, I guess we're going off keto.
(laughing)
- The good news here is that rice is more flavorful
than it gets credit for.
- Okay, here we go.
- Can I get a look at this? - I bet it'll be good.
Oh, I could hear it.
That was an audible pop.
- You want some?
- No, that'd be crazy.
- Is it good?
- Weirdly, yeah, it's quite good.
- Really? Okay. - Ooh!