A viewer asked "How do you punish a child for bad behavior?" Well, bad behavior
definitely needs to be corrected. But I don't punish bad behavior. Now, that
doesn't mean they're not corrected and they don't earn negative consequences. I
just don't love the word punishing. I don't use that word a lot because it
usually means kind of vengeance, vindictiveness. Parents are getting too
emotional feeling like they need to pour down their wrath upon the child. And that
just isn't necessary. I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach self-
government. Self government to children, self government to parents so that full
families can be united in love. In this video, we're going to talk about how you
can better correct your children when they have bad behavior.
No child is perfect. But I'm not in the business of making perfect children in
my house for anywhere else. I decided years ago when I was doing
foster care for treatment children ages 12 to 18 that I couldn't make perfect
children. Those don't exist. But what I could do is I could help change hearts
so that they could become joyful adults who knew what their mission in life is
and couldn't wait to fight for it and had solid relationships with God and
family. That's the type of child that I'm making at my house. And it requires
self-government. So, what is self- government? Self-government is basically
the process of learning how to analyse yourself, plan for the future and act
deliberately on those plans. The definition of self government is being
able to determine the cause and effect of any given situation and possessing a
knowledge of your own behaviors so that you can control them. When a person is
self-governing, they have to see cause and effect. That's vital. Good should
equal good. Bad should equal bad. But it doesn't need to feel like someone is
being mean to them. It doesn't need to feel like fear or intimidation. There are
a lot of punishments out there. People hit their children, people yell at their
children. People call their children names, they talk bad about their children
behind their backs. They pout. They complain, they cry. They isolate, they
don't talk to their children. Give them the silent treatment. Those are all
manipulations. People can call and punishments if they want to. But they're
manipulations. And if a person is going to learn cause and effect, if they're
going to learn self government, it's got to be honest.
Honesty teaches, honesty touches hearts. And the true process of learning self
government is having a change of heart. So, how do we change the hearts of our
children? Let's get into that. If we're not going to use punishments, what do we
use? --Consequences. Consequences suggest they've been tied
ahead of time and then it's just something that someone follows through
with. That's the biggest difference. When a parent says to a child,
"1, 2, 3", those are manipulations and they are punishments meant for
intimidation. But when a parent says to a child, "I'm going to teach you how to
follow an instruction. These are the steps to following an instruction." You
look at the person, keep a calm face voice and body. Say okay or ask to
disagree appropriately. Do the task immediately and then check back. And when
you choose not to do that, then I will do a correction which sounds exactly like
this and they know exactly word for word well I'm going to say in the correction.
Then if they don't follow the instruction and I do the correction, part
of that correction is to earn an extra chore. That's the consequence that they
have to accept. Well why an extra chore? Because Samuel Smiles who was a
philosopher and writer back in the 1800s wrote a book called CHARACTER. I highly
recommend it. In this book, he says work is the antidote for a sick character. So,
if a person is disrespecting their parents, being selfish, their character is
sick. That means they needed to work. Also that
type of a consequence is something they can accept themselves. It's not something
you impose upon them in a dominating way. You say, "You have earned an extra chore.
For your extra chore, you need to wash the bathroom sink, okay?" They have to look at
you, keep a calm face voice and body. Say okay or disagree appropriately and then
go and do that extra chore. Check back and drop the subject. Which
means no whining about it, no complaining, no talking about it anymore, no pouting.
The whole time they choose to be okay. Extra chores are quick repentance. They
aren't things that follow them around all day like losing certain privileges
or taking certain things away from them. They are quick things. They can
a shift and move on. Which is what they need to do. Now, some of these things I'm
explaining to you you, might be wondering where they come from.
So these children's books right here teach the 4 basic skills that all
people need to learn for self-government. When they are accepting a consequence,
they need this book called Big Win for Quin which teaches the skill how to
accept consequences. That skill has six steps to it and I just told you what
they were. Now, these books are based on my teaching self-government parenting
program which goes into more detail about how to correct and things like
that. This is what it sounds like when I correct my children and I want
you to notice how different it is from giving a punishment. In fact, I want you
to notice words I say such as "you earned" or "you chose". And how I help them know
the right things to say. Before I even do a correction, I often do a pre teach to
remind them of their skill that they know which is how to accept a
consequence. And I say to them, "Right now, we're going to have a corrective
teaching moment. Do you remember how to accept a consequence?" Then they'll say,
"Yes, these are the steps to accepting a consequence." And they'll tell me those
steps. Then I will praise them and say, "Great job. You really understand how to
accept a consequence." Here is the correction: "Just a few minutes ago I gave
you an instruction to take the trash out and you walked away from me when I gave
that instruction. Which means you didn't look at me you didn't keep a calm face
voice and body. You didn't do the task immediately or check back." You did not
follow instructions. And when you did that you chose for us to have to have
another conversation about the trash. And to practice doing things the right way.
What you should have done was you should have done all 5 steps to following an
instruction you should have looked at the person kept a calm face voice and
body said okay or ask to disagree appropriately because if
you have something else you need to do, you can always talk to me about it.
Then done the task immediately and then check back. Since you chose not to do
those 5 steps for following an instruction, you have earned an extra
chore, okay? At that point, they say, "Okay." And then I praise them, "You did a great
job of keeping a calm face voice and body and saying okay. I know you're
choosing to accept a correction right now and a negative consequence was just
going to take more of your time and you wanted to go back out to play. But you're
making the right choice. For your extra chore, you get the opportunity to wash out
the kitchen sink, okay?" Then they'll say, "Okay". I'll praise them
and then we will do a practice. So, we practice doing things the right way.
We'll probably do 3 roleplay practices of following instructions. And
then the child gets the opportunity to go take out the trash and wash out the
kitchen sink. They check back for both of those things. I praise them. Tell them
what a great job they did and then they get to move on to play with their friend
like they wanted to in the first place which was why they were walking away
from me when I tried to give them an instruction to take out the trash. Do you
feel how positive that is? How uplifting and motivating that is? That type of
correction is different than a punishment. That type of correction
touches the heart of the person and the mind. It helps them choose different
behavior for themselves and take ownership of their own behaviors. These
types of skills can be used for every age child. I think you're going to like the
video that I've got for your next there's a link to it up here in the
corner called How To Communicate With Children Of Different Ages.