Hi, how are we?
I planned that.
Fun mic bit, huh?
I'm a clown, that's great.
Don't answer me please. (audience laughing)
Isn't this a cool venue?
I was here recently seeing my favorite band,
right here in the mosh pit.
34, moshing (laughs).
It's embarrassing, I really shouldn't.
It is fun to just knock a 19 year-old in the throat.
Just go, "Get the fuck out of here, you piece of shit.
(audience laughing) "Get the hell out of here.
"Can't find me, loser."
It's great, it's fun. (audience laughing)
I'm Canadian, you're welcome. (audience cheering)
Hey, it's fun.
I like to scare all the boys in L.A.
and tell them that this is what every woman
from Canada sounds like. (audience laughing)
Like we've been foraging through the woods our whole lives.
I've survived off of only rain water and bark.
It's very hard for me to swallow,
lined with wood chips. (audience laughing)
It is hard, it is.
Or it sounds like I got stuck
behind one of those cement trucks and I just,
I don't know what that was. (audience laughing)
That's, wow.
That's how I, they look tasty.
Don't look at me like that. (audience laughing)
Okay, that's fine.
Very warm woman being Canadian,
very hot all the time, very large glands.
The only way I cool off,
is if I head down to the ocean, I just,
ooh, I just dip my lips in the water.
(audience laughing) Just a like, kiss of the sea
if you will. (audience laughing)
Light smooch of the ocean.
Get a little salt in there, ladies.
Feels good, huh? (audience laughing)
Cleans her out, it's refreshing,
it's nice. (audience laughing)
Guys are alarmed.
I feel like I look like an old dusty catcher's mitt
walking around L.A. (audience laughing)
Everybody else is very hot and fit
and I'm just crow's feet, head to toe, it's hard.
(audience laughing) It's very hard for me.
So I try acting younger.
Tried wearing a choker necklace, you ladies do this?
Literally choked, I barfed in the back of a bar.
(audience laughing) Can't wear one.
Got to very strong neck for a woman.
(audience laughing) Got to very thick neck
for a gal. (audience laughing)
I have my father's neck, that's the problem.
Got all the things a woman wants from her dad.
Got a giant nine and a half man feet.
Don't look, you pig. (audience laughing)
Trust me. (audience clapping)
Got his really broad European back.
Can carry a lot of water through a village on this thing
if anybody's parched. (audience laughing)
I'm sturdy, built like an ox.
I can go on for miles. (audience laughing)
And I got my dad's nipples.
Found it out at the cottage this summer.
(audience laughing) My dad popped
out of the water, I'm like, "Why do those look familiar?
"Oh shit, they're mine, that's why."
(audience laughing)
Everybody hikes in the city.
I don't know why everyone acts
like we're getting dropped in the middle of the woods
with a compass, it's-- (audience laughing)
You're walking up a paved path,
looking at the tops of things and walking down.
Who fucking cares? (audience laughing)
Hiking up Griffith, bragging, get to the bottom.
On the main street, there's a loose dog running amok.
I'm like, "I'm going to save this dog.
"I'm going to be a hero." (audience laughing)
I'm in the middle of the street chasing a dog.
It's like a refrigerator got loose,
just chasing a dog in the middle of the day,
it was a lot. (audience laughing)
Very close, cars are honking,
everyone's quite worked up, bit of a traffic jam.
Get right by the dog, lock eyes,
I'm like, "Don't move, motherfucker.
"You're coming home with me."
Cop goes by, rolls his window down,
goes, "Hey, idiot!"
I'm like, "Me?"
He's like, "Yeah.
"Stop chasing that coyote." (audience laughing)
I chased a coyote for 15 minutes.
Had no fucking clue. (audience laughing)
You guys ever seen a coyote before?
Very sick looking dog,
if you're wondering what it looks like.
(audience laughing) Very ill animal.
Very bald, several open sores on its back,
tuft of hair right here, nowhere else.
Spooked me. (audience chuckling)
I had it stuffed, I'm not going to make that mistake again.
(audience laughing) Oh, I sleep with that coyote.
Closest thing I've had to a relationship in years.
It's sad, it is. (audience laughing)
It really is.
(man coughing) This guy's going to barf.
That's great. (audience laughing)
Is anybody else getting to the point of loneliness
in this city where they just want night terrors
or am I the only one? (audience laughing)
Just want to feel like there's a man in the room with me.
Like, "Oh, he's back again.
"Thank god, woo woo! (audience laughing)
"Get out of the corner, you faceless ghoul.
"Come hover on top of me the way you like it.
(audience laughing) "It's like we're snuggling
"but scary and I can't breathe.
"It's nice, it is nice." (audience laughing)
I do have a vibrator obviously
that keeps me warm at night
and I don't know if, ladies,
I didn't realize that the batteries were running low
until I changed them. (audience chuckling)
Nearly blew my clit directly off my body.
Like Jesus Christ! (audience laughing)
Woo!
If the ceiling fan was on, it would have latched on,
done a couple loops and hit the wall like a wet noodle.
(audience laughing)
Would have been very hard for a surgeon
to put that thing back on. (audience laughing)
My roommate the next morning was like,
"Did you hear a sound last night?"
I'm like, "Yeah, yeah.
"I think the leaf blower guy came over around twelve.
"He was stuck on that one leaf for like 45 minutes.
"Couldn't get it off, could he?
"Wow." (audience laughing)
I feel like I've mucked about down here too long
that my labia just looks like it's seen wars at this point.
(audience laughing) It's just crawling
out of a wet trench.
It's like, "Does anybody got any water?