-Welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show."
We are coming at you from Studio 6A
here in Rockefeller Plaza in New York City.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, we are just one week away from Election Day!
[ Applause ]
I can't believe it's that soon.
I mean, it feels like the last four years
have just really flown by!
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, every morning since 2016,
Democrats have been carving the days into the walls
like they're doing time at Rikers Island.
[ Laughter ]
If Biden wins, Democrats are gonna walk out of their houses
with an extra 50 pounds of muscle
and a jug of toilet wine.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, we're just seven days away from the election,
and just seven months from knowing who won.
That's exciting. [ Audience groans ]
Yep. In seven days we'll find out if Trump's
sticking around or getting replaced like the Bachelorette.
This week cannot go fast enough.
If you're looking for ways to pass the time,
just ask Joe Biden to tell one story from high school.
"My pal Skee-Ball and I were on our way
to the sock hop, and..."
[ Laughter ]
But seven days is still a lot of time.
If you get in line to vote now,
there's a really good chance you'll make it to the front
by November 3rd. [ Laughter ]
Everyone's excited about this election.
I mean, check out how many people have already voted.
-We are one week out from Election Day,
and look at that number.
More than 65 million ballots already cast.
-That's right, over 65 million have already voted.
And thanks to the Supreme Court, almost 3 million of those
will be counted.
[ Laughter ]
These voting numbers are incredible.
The United States could have its highest election turnout
since 1908.
You know 2020's been rough when we're like,
"Let's party like it's 1908!"
[ Laughter ] [ Drumming march plays ]
[ Laughter ]
Wow, I love that.
1908 was a lot like 2020.
The country was divided, turnout was high,
and Bernie Sanders lost in the primary.
[ Audience groans ]
A lot of groaners tonight, huh? [ Laughter ]
Cheer up. Come on, man.
That's right, the U.S. is on track for the highest election
turnout since 1908.
That got me wondering, why were so many people voting in 1908?
Well, when you compare today's issues to back then,
it kind of makes sense.
For example, in 2020, voters want to stop
a global warming catastrophe.
In 1908, voters wanted to stop pollution
from the four cars that existed.
In 2020, voters want to settle things at the ballot box.
In 1908, voters wanted to settle things
by racing a donkey and an elephant.
[ Laughter ] And finally, in 2020,
voters complain the election season
is like watching paint dry.
In 1908, voters said, "Paint drying?
I got to check this out."
[ Laughter ]
With the time running short until the election,
both campaigns are going all out and holding as many rallies
across the country as they can. Listen to this.
-An active day on the trail, Joe Biden stopping in Georgia,
Kamala Harris in Nevada.
The former President, Barack Obama,
campaigning for the Democrats in Orlando, Florida.
Jill Biden heads to Maine.
The President hits a trio of Midwest states --
Michigan, Wisconsin,
and Nebraska's Second Congressional District.
Vice President Mike Pence is in the Carolinas today,
and the First Lady is traveling to Pennsylvania.
-Whew. Usually the only people who travel this much
are salesmen and fugitives.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Trump and Pence are everywhere.
Even the coronavirus was like,
"Guys, please, gimme a second to catch up."
I think all the traveling confused Trump,
'cause he bragged about saving Nebraska's auto industry
and rescuing the great dairy farms of Michigan.
[ Laughter ]
I'm not sure Trump's rallies are really moving the needle.
It's hard to convince voters you deserve a second term
when your speech has 42 mentions of the word "plague."
[ Laughter ]
But you can tell Trump's getting tired 'cause at one rally
he just rolled out a television and played a video
like a substitute teacher. [ Laughter ]
"You know what's better than reading 'Moby Dick'?
Watching 'Air Bud.'"
[ Laughter ]
Listen to what's going on with gym's in Newark.
-New restrictions aimed at stopping a surge
in coronavirus cases take effect today in Newark.
Gyms and fitness centers are under orders to shut down
for 30 minutes every hour for a deep cleaning.
-30 minutes every hour?
The only person who's going to get in shape is the janitor.
[ Laughter ]
Already there's one creepy employee who just walks up
to the machines and whispers, "Bath time."
[ Laughter ]
"Bath time."
[ Vocalizing ] ♪♪
♪ Bath time ♪ [ Vocalizing ]
♪ Bath time ♪
[ Vocalizing ]
♪ Bath time ♪ [ Vocalizing ]
Go, rap.
-♪ Bath time, bath time ♪
♪ It's time to take a bath ♪
♪ It's time to get some soap out ♪
♪ And then you wash your -- ♪
[ Laughter ]
-I was waiting for you to cut me off.
Say, hey, hey! -Whoa, whoa, whoa,
this is a family show.
Sorry. Sorry, I forgot to do that. Yeah.
♪♪
[ Vocalizing ] ♪♪
-Wait.
That's Billy Bob Thornton's character on --
-Oh yeah, "Sling Blade."
-[ Mumbling ]
You --
-Bath time, mm-hmm.
-Mm-hmm, bath time.
"You mind if I hang out with your son
and be best friends with him?"
[ Laughter ]
I don't know if you guys should be hanging out in the woods.
No, I'm doing like --
[ Vocalizing ] ♪♪
[ Vocalizing ]
♪ Call me Mr. Bombastic ♪
♪ Mr. Fantastic ♪
[ Scatting ]
♪ Mr. Ro... ♪
♪ Bath time, duh-nuh-nuh-nuh, bath time ♪
-It's not right. -♪ Ro... ♪
-It's not right without Higgins here.
-♪ Bath time ♪
[ Vocalizing ]
♪ Now you got to wash your -- time ♪
[ Vocalizing ]
-It's not right. -It's not right, no.
Oh yeah, that's right. That's right.
Hey, I'm a little worried that Newark Planet Fitness
is taking better precautions than the coronavirus task force.
[ Laughter ]
Let's change gears.
I heard about a billionaire in California
who is feuding with his neighbor.
And recently, their fight took an interesting turn.
Watch this.
-♪ Sit right back and you'll hear a tale ♪
♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪
-Two neighbors in Laguna Beach, California, they've been
in a dispute over a lawn sculpture.
So, billionaire Bill Gross, he's been blaring
the "Gilligan's Island" theme song at all hours
of the day and night in an attempt to annoy the neighbors
in hopes that they'll drop their complaint over the sculpture.
[ Laughter ]
-So to recap, he annoyed his neighbor by also
making himself listen to the "Gilligan's Island" theme song.
[ Laughter ]
He was like, "Sorry, I only wanted to do it for three hours,
but it wound up being much longer."
[ Laughter ]
That's right. [ Applause ]
[ Ding! ]
Bob Denver fans.
♪♪
♪ I'm Bob Denver ♪
[ Vocalizing ]
♪ Bob Denver ♪ [ Vocalizing ]
I'll be honest, I just think it's nice
that we can still find things to fight about
besides the election.
And finally I saw that Four Loko is coming out with
new bottled drinks called Pregame.
Here they are.
-What? -It's perfect for when you want
to pass out before leaving the house.
[ Laughter ]
To buy a bottle, you have to show your ID
and give an emergency contact.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. You can either drink it or just skip a step
and put yourself in the back of a police car.