My name's Stephanie Meyer and I wrote the best love story ever.
Shut Up
Ok Sadie, so after watching all the Twilight trailers
Can you try to tell us what you think Twilight is about?
I think so
So, a girl is walking from a school
And a bad guy is mad at her.
Then, a car tries to hit her.
(screams)
Oh no! A car is gonna hit me!
But the bad guy is actually Superman without a cape.
And he stopped the car with his hand
I just saved your life
You're like totally Superman, without a cape.
Then we see that he's part monkey
And they climb trees.
God, you're fat.
My dad was a monkey.
Yeah, my mom did it with a monkey, so what?
Then they have a spelling test or something and he quizzes her on words
It rhymes with vampire
Uhhhhhhh
Say it out loud!
Say it!
Umpire.
Yeah, close enough.
Bella has a birthday party, but only Superman and his weird family is there.
Your family is really weird-looking.
(crickets)
Then the weird staring guy gets mad and attacks her.
You guys got me a f*cking Skip-It?!
What is this, 1996?!
I spent my whole allowance on that!
(yelling)
But Superman jumps in and uses the Force to push him away
Superman feels bad and leaves so he can get her a better gift or something.
Don't worry, Bella. I'll get you something better.
Good and it better not be a Bop-It.
Sh*t.
Then there's this guy named Jacob.
He doesn't like shirts and sounds like he has a cold.
Bella!
He loves the girl too.
I love you, Bella. More than Superman.
Superman comes back and tells her that he loves her too.
I love you more!
Nuh-uh!
Yeah-huh!
The next day, Jacob gets a letter from the mailman.
Not a letter!
He gets really mad and takes off his shirt again.
(sobbing)
Then Superman and the girl got married.
I do.
And do you Edward Cullen take Bella Swan as your wife?
You know it.
(weeping)
So after that Superman and Bella hug on a bed.
Hug me harder, Superman! Harder!
I'm hugging you so hard right now.
(crying) Now I'm a werewolf!
In the morning, the girl wakes up with a tummy.
Owie!
Then she gets really fat because of the monster in her belly.
Edward, do I look fat to you?
No way, babe. You look great.
(laughing) Fatass!
They call the monster a fetus or something.
I hate to say this but you've got a fetus inside of you!
Mother of God.
Okay, so how do you think the Twilight movies end?
The monster pops out her belly.
Then everyone lives happily ever after. The End.
(screaming in horror)
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(vomiting)
The following scenes may be disturbing.
(screaming)
(slap!) You got to get a hold of yourself!