On this episode of China Uncensored,
Pokémon Go!
With Chinese characteristics.
Hi, welcome to China Uncensored, I’m your host Chris Chappell.
I want to be the very best!
Or at least a cheap knockoff of the very best.
That’s why one of my favorite things to do in China
is play with my Robert Cop action figure
at my favorite eating establishment, McDnoalds.
It seems like China may have learned a thing or two from Pokémon.
“Ditto, the transform Pokémon.
Ditto has the ability to reconstruct its entire cellular structure
into whatever it sees.”
It’s just too bad that you can’t play Pokémon Go in China.
People in China love Pokémon.
Why, just look at these Pokémon statues at an anime festival in Wenzhou!
You have Ash, Brock, Misty, and
OH WHAT IS THAT?!!
Looks like they gave this Creep-a-chu teeth.
So with such a huge potential market,
why aren’t we seeing a Pokémon Go “Red” version?
Well, like Snapchat, time travel, and seductively eating bananas,
Pokémon Go is banned in China.
Why? Isn’t it obvious?!
Because it’s a secret plot by Google and the Japanese
to discover the location of Chinese military bases!
At least, that’s an actual conspiracy theory.
Nevertheless, a minor inconvenience like the game being banned
hasn’t stopped people in China from figuring out
how to play Pokémon Go anyway.
But believe me,
it’s harder than evolving a Magikarp.
You can’t get it from Chinese app stores.
So people have been buying IDs for Apple’s Australia-based app store.
That can cost between 13 cents to 3 dollars.
Then you need to figure out how to get a Google account
since Google is also banned in China.
Okay, use a VPN; no problem.
Now you can open the game and see this.
There are no Pokémon in China.
So you then you need to yet another app
that can mess with your GPS and put you in, say, Los Angeles.
Now you can finally play…
using a Los Angeles Map.
Assuming these hacks haven’t filled up your phone with malware.
Or if you don’t want to go through all that effort,
there is another option.
Simply play the knock off version of Pokémon Go!
This is City Elves Go.
Here’s the professor telling you to go out in the world
and catch these cute little monsters for research!
Just like Pokémon Go.
Only “research” in this knockoff Chinese world
means beating the City Elves to death...
like some kind of sick crossover between
Jane Goodall and Beyond Thunderdome.
The City Elves professor gives you the choice of a fire, water, or earth based monster.
Sound familiar?
But unlike Pokémon Go,
you don’t have to walk around to find Pokémon,
or elves, or whatever.
City Elves Go does away with that lame old augmented reality thing,
because that’s not what you’re playing for, right?
You sit at home and watch your monsters battle others.
Seriously, you just sit and watch
because you have no control whatsoever over this battle.
But at least while you’re watching your knockoff Pokémon battle,
you can enjoy product placement from knockoff 7-Eleven.
Which is an actual store in China.
I just don’t know what’s real anymore.
And the most shocking thing of all
is that people are so desperate to play something just like Pokémon Go
that City Elves Go is now the number one downloaded app in China.
So what do you think of China’s Pokémon Go knockoff?
And where the heck can I find some better Pokémon?
Seriously, New York is full of rats and pigeons.
And New Jersey is mostly bats.
Leave your comments below.
Thanks for watching this episode of China Uncensored.
Once again I’m your host Chris Chappell. See you next time.