MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN AND BESTSELLING AUTHOR.
HER NEW STAND-UP SPECIAL IS "JUST KEEP LIVIN?"
PLEASE WELCOME JEN KIRKMAN.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> HI!
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
>> NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.
I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T WEAR THIS DRESS NOT TO BE TWIRLD AROUND SO
I MADE YOU DO THAT.
>> Stephen: LISTEN, I KNOW HOW TO JITTERBUG.
I WOULD SAY HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU BUT I HAVE SEEN SOME OF YOUR
TWEETS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND THIS ONE HAS GOT ME A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT
YOU: ( LAUGHTER ).
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU'VE GOT TO BE POSITIVE.
>> OH, I'M-- I AM POSITIVE.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE POSITIVE THAT IT'S--
>> THAT IT'S GOING TO BE HORRIBLE.
EVERYONE IS LIKE, "2016 WAS SO BAD.
WE ELECTED TRUMP.
GOOD-BYE!" I SAID YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN
2017?
THAT'S THE YEAR WE BECOME PRESIDENT.
WE'RE DOWN THE STREET.
IF WE ALL JUST GOT UP AND WENT TO TRUMP'S HOUSE, WHICH IS RIGHT
THERE, WE COULD ALL PICK HIM UP AND THROW HIM IN A DUMPSTER.
LIKE, THIS DOESN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) COME ON!
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, YOU JUST GOT YOUR NAME ON A LIST.
SECOND OF ALL.
IT'S NOT TRUMP'S HOUSE.
IT'S TRUMP TOWER, YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU CAN POUR BOILING OIL
FROM.
I DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET ANYWHERE NEAR IT.
HE HAS SECURITY NOW.
>> I'LL JUST BE LIKE, "OH, I'M ONE OF THE LADIES HE HIRED," OR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: THE SPECIAL YOU HAVE ON NETFLIX IS CALLED "JUST
KEEP LIVIN?."
THAT'S MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY'S MOTTO, RIGHT?
HE SIGNS EVERYTHING "J.K.
LIVIN'."
DOES HE KNOW YOU'RE STEALING FROM HIM?
>> I'M TRYING TO GET HIS ATTENTION.
BUT MY INITIALS ARE J.P.
SO I THOUGHT "J.K. LIVIN'" SHOULD HAVE BEEN MINE.
I'M INSPIRED BY IT.
I'M FROM A NEGATIVE CATHOLIC FAMILY, AND I DON'T HAVE
INSPIRATIONAL PEOPLE.
WHEN MY GRANDMOTHER WAS 84 SHE STARTED TAKING ANTIDEPRESSANTS.
AND WE WERE LIKE, "WHY ARE YOU DOING IS THAT,NANA?"
AND SHE SAID, "BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP LIVING."
>> Stephen: SO SHE COULDN'T HANDLE THE FACT SHE WAS HEALTHY.
>> SHE WAS LIKE, "GOD MUST HATE ME.
HE'S NOT TAKING ME."
I THINK JUST KEEP LIVIN' IS A REALLY COOL MOTTO.
I HAVE IT TATTOOED ON MY AN ANKL YOU CAN'T SEE IT.
I CAN TAKE MY TIGHTS OFF.
>> Stephen: I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE.
>> WELL, YOU CAN'T SEE IT IF I DO, THOUGH.
>> Stephen: LET'S DO IT.
I'M NOT GOING TO STOP YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> WOMEN ARE GOOD AT THIS!
I CAN TAKE MY BRA, OFF, TOO, WITHOUT YOU EVEN SEEING
ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: HOLD ON.
GET THAT UP HERE.
>> JUST KEEP LIVIN', J.K.L.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: LET ME FINISH THAT FOR YOU.
GET THAT BACK UP HERE.
>> OH, THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
>> I NEED TRUMP'S SPRAY TAN UPONNER, I'M VERY WHITE.
NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH BEING WHITE.
I'M VERY PROUD-- JUST KIDDING.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: NOW, I UNDERSTAND ON THIS SPECIAL?
SPECIAL.
>> UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: SPEAK OF BEING PROUD, YOU'RE A PROUD WOMAN.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: YOU WITH CAT CALLING.
HAVE YOU BEEN CAT CALLED.
>> IT IS.
A LOT OF CAUGHTS CALL ME.
CAT CALLING, STREET HARASSMENT, HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
WE'RE JUST SO USED TO IT.
AND NOW I THINK WOMEN ARE TALKING ABOUT IT MORE.
BUT IT'S SO-- I MEAN, OF ALL THE WOMEN'S ISSUES THIS IS ONE WE
CAN NIP IN THE BUD IN TWO SECOND S.
>> Stephen: BUT MEN ALTHOUGH MEN ARE PIGS.
>> JUST DON'T YELL AT US.
IT'S THATTICISM.
I FEEL LIKE IT'S SO OLD-TIMEY, IF YOU'RE GOING TO CAT CALL A
WOMAN YOUR CAR HORN SHOULD BE AYUGA.
I'M SO HYPERSENSITIVE ABOUT IT IF I EVEN SEE A MAN ON THE
STREET I'M LIKE, "GET AWAY FROM ME."
I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET DOWN SOUTH.
>> Stephen: LIKE SOUTH IN AMERICA.
>> NORTH CAROLINA.
IT WAS A NICE NIGHT, DUSK, I'M TAKING A WALK.
AND THIS GUY IN A TRUCK DRIVES BY, WHITE GUY IN A TRUCK, AND HE
STOPS AND SEES ME AND PULLS OVER AND I'M LIKE IN 15 MINUTES THERE
ARE JUST GOING TO BE FLOWERS AND CANDLES WHERE I'M STANDING, I'M
DEAD.
THAT'S A STREET DEATH JOKE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I WAS REALLY AFRAID.
AND HE SAID, "EXCUSE ME, DO YOU MIND IF I SAY SOMETHING REAL
CREEP YOU TO YOU?" >> Stephen: THAT'S A GREAT...
LINE.
>> BECAUSE WOMEN ARE ALSO TAUGHT TO BE POLITE.
I GO RIGHT UP TO THE TRUCK AND GO, "OKAY."
AND I'M STANDING THERE WAITING FOR THE CREEPY MOMENT.
AND I THOUGHT OF ALL THE WOMEN IN THE WORLD --
>> WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND.
A GUY SAYS TO YOU, "DO YOU MIND IF I SAY SOMETHING KIND OF
CREEPY TO YOU?" AND YOU GO, "WHY, YES, SIR, GO
AHEAD."
IF SOMEONE INVITES YOU TO GO TO THE SUBWAY BATHROOM, DON'T GO.
>> WHO AM I TO BE RUDE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU.
>> WOMEN ARE TAUGHT TO BE NICE AND WHEN WE GET OLDER WE REALIZE
WE DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS AND FIND OUR VOICES.
I WENT TO THE TRUCK AND SAID, "NO, YOU CAN'T."
HE SAID, "MA'AM, I DIDN'T MEAN TO SCAIRP YOU.
I'M MARRIED.
I'M NOT HITTING ON YOU.
I JUST LOVE YOUR BOOTS."
BECAUSE I HAD THESE COOL BOOTS ON.
I SAID, "THAT'S THE CREEPY THING YOU WANTED TO SAY?"
HE SAID, "YES, MA'AM.
I COULD BE THE LIVE WITH MYSELF IN YOU DIDN'T LET ME SAY THAT.
AND HE DROVE OFF.
IT WAS SO DRAMATIC.
I KIND OF WISH HE I DIDN'T LET HIM SAY THAT AND WATCH HIS LIFE
PLAY OUT AND AT HOME AND CAN'T EAT.
AND HIS WIFE IS LIKE, "HENRY, YOU HAVEN'T EATEN IN TWO
NIGHTS."
"GOT SOMETHING ON MY MIND, MARTHA."
"ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME, HENRY?" "IT'S NOT ABOUT SEX, MARTHA,
IT'S FASHION."
HE'S ON HIS DEATH BED AND HIS SON IS LIKE,"FATHER, ANY WORDS
OF WISDOM?" "I LOVE THOSE BOOTS."
IT GAVE ME AN IDEA IF YOU'RE GOING TO CAT-CALL A WOMAN, IF
YOU MUST DO IT, DON'T YELL ABOUT OUR BODIES.
IF LIKE, IF I'M WALKING AROUND AT 8:00 IN THE MORNING I DON'T
WANT SOMEONE SAYING, "NICE ASS."
THAT SOUNDS SARCASTIC FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
"IT DOESN'T FEEL NICE.
I ATE A LOT LAST NIGHT."
IF YOU JUST YELL A COMPLEMENT.
"HEY, HONEY, I SEE YOU WALKING AROUND WITH YOUR CONFIDENCE.
GOOD FOR YOU, SWEETIE."
"I LIKE THAT THE PLATT MATCHES THE PLATT IN YOUR SHOES.
NICE DETAIL.
HAVE A GOOD DAY, SWEETIE."
>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE NICE.
>> THAT WOULD BE NICE.
>> Stephen: GOOD LUCK.
EVERYBODY, "JUST KEEP LIVIN?" IS AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX NOW.
JEN KIRKMAN, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.