There's a ton of stuff in the news today.
CBS announced it was firing Les Moonves
without paying him his $120 million in severance.
Uh, Japan has said it's getting back into the military game,
building its first aircraft carrier since World War II.
Yeah. So, basically, Japan is like Louis C.K.
They're like, "Okay, we did something bad,
"but I think enough time has passed.
Got to get back in the game now."
And if you love weapons
and the news of the Trump administration
banning bump stocks has you sad,
well, New York State is about to turn that frown upside down.
A federal judge rules New York's statewide ban on nunchucks
is unconstitutional under the Second Amendment.
The ban on the martial arts weapon was adopted in 1974.
There were fears the popularity of kung fu films
would lead to criminals, especially young gang members,
using nunchucks.
Yes!
Do you hear that, people? Nunchucks are back, baby!
-(cheering) -They're back!
Back! What?!
I feel like I'm 14 years old again.
I'm gonna go out and buy some nunchucks
and then go home and masturbate furiously.
And all of this is happening thanks to the lawsuit
of one very committed New Yorker.
Cowabunga, dude.
Thank you.
(cheering)
I will say, I will say,
New York clearly has its priorities off.
Like, it's taking forever to legalize weed,
but nunchucks are now fair game?
Like, of all the cities in America,
New York is the worst place to legalize nunchucks.
Everyone is already highly strung,
and now you're throwing in ninja tools?
Like, subway fights are about to get real.
Like, the only good thing about New York
is that it's maybe too crowded to actually pull your arm out.
So people are gonna be in the train like,
"Man, if I had two-- ooh, if I had two feet,
"oh, man, you-- like, you--
"oh, you-- oh, and you (bleep) off, lady,
"I would be-- oh, you-- I swear to God,
"once this train clears out after Canal Street,
"I'm-a kick all your ass.
For now, I'm just gonna make the Bruce Lee sounds."
(shouting a la Bruce Lee)
I will say though, like, the one benefit of nunchucks
is that it's the only weapon
that hurts the user more than the victim.
I like that. Yeah.
It'd just be, like, someone mugging you, like,
"Give me all your money. Give me-- Ah. Ah.
Give me all your-- Ah, ah, ah."
Yeah, if I'm in a nunchuck mugging,
there's a 50% chance that I'm walking away with his watch.
I like that.
Moving on to some other news.
By now, we all know
about the gender wage gap between men and women.
It's really the worst gap after the Baby Gap.
Nothing in my size.
And today, today,
the World Economic Forum released a study
saying that the gender wage gap is going away!
-(cheering and applause) -Yeah!
In...
in 202 years.
(laughter, groaning)
Sorry, I should have led with that part.
Yeah.
Which, uh, let's be honest,
is bad news for everyone who's alive today,
'cause it means, at this rate,
we won't live to see the gap close.
Well, except for Jennifer Lopez,
who's the only person aging slowly enough.
Yeah, because, in 200 years,
she'll be, like, what, 57, I think?
No, wait, 58. Sorry. 58.
Uh, moving on to some technology news,
it turns out people hate it.
People are slashing tires, throwing rocks,
pointing guns at self-driving cars.
People in Arizona have recorded 21 incidents of this
in the past two years.
Now, The Arizona Republic reports, in other cases,
people stood in front of the vehicles
to prevent them from driving, yelled at them,
chased them, and forced them off the road.
It-- The article says people appear to be frustrated
by, uh, their presence.
(laughter)
Peo-People are chasing
and yelling at cars?
I'm pretty sure this has less to do with self-driving cars
and more to do with Arizona's meth problem.
Because someone shouting at a car just sounds like a crazy guy
who's seen Transformers way too many times.
He's like, "Hey, you Bumblebee?
"You Bumblebee? I know you're Bumblebee.
Bumblebee, I know you're there!"
(laughter)
I kind of understand it, though.
It's got to mess with you when you have road rage,
but then there's no one to direct it at.
You're just driving in your car.
You're like, "You cut me off, you in-invisible... asshole,
"you... you not-even-here piece of shit.
"You know what, man?
I'll just throw a rock at you. Aah!"
And finally, in headlines,
the world's worst charity has closed its doors.
President Trump will be closing down his charity.
The Donald J. Trump Foundation was sued
by New York's attorney general over claims
that Donald Trump's children abused its tax-exempt status
and violated campaign finance laws.
We have a tweet here from the New York state,
uh, A.G. attorney general's office.
"The foundation functioned as little more
"than a checkbook to serve Mr. Trump's interests.
Our lawsuit remains ongoing."
That's right. Donald Trump's charity,
which frequently spent money on Donald Trump,
has been forced to shut down, which makes sense.
I mean, if the beneficiary
of the charity has become president,
I think the charity has done its job.
It's time to shut it down. Yeah.
It's the same way all the people who used to send me a dollar
when I was back in Africa stopped paying me
when I became host of The Daily Show.
It's done. Yeah. It worked out.
And if you're saying, "Hey, Trevor,
weren't you already successful before you got this job?",
what the (bleep) are you-- Robert Mueller? Shut up!
(laughter)
Now, I'm gonna be honest with you guys.
I'm even shocked that Trump had a charity.
I always thought the only Trump charity was the women
who agreed to have sex with him, but...
But...
(cheers and applause)
But this is real.
This is real.
And it turns out The Trump Foundation did a lot
of shady shit that caught the eye of investigators,
like when Trump used $12,000 from his charity
to buy himself a helmet signed by Tim Tebow.
(laughter)
Which is something even Tim Tebow wouldn't want.
And he even spent 10,000 charity dollars
to buy a portrait of himself to hang up in his own golf club.
Yeah. I mean, at this point,
the least the man can do is donate that painting to a child.
Yeah. Free nightmares for the rest of your life.