Hey, that reminds me. I went ahead and optimized
our website for mobile, but what's our growth strategy?
You know, let's talk marketing. Do we have a logo?
Looks like Millicent's Minions has found its secret ingredient.
- Revenge? - Yes.
And you. Congrats. You're my new CDO...
Chief Dad Officer.
Did you just call me Dad?
Calm down. There were two other words in there.
Ladies, may I present
the latest Sunshine Girl, Millicent Mitchell.
- Aw. - Aw.
Oh, my gosh, she's so cute.
So adorable.
I don't need compliments. I need a way out of this.
Look, it's gonna be great.
You'll get to do activities with kids your own age,
earn badges and the best part,
you and I'll get to spend a lot more time together.
If you want to hang out more, just ask
so I can try to pencil you in.
You sure you're not upset
that we're not getting back together?
A little.
I mean, who wouldn't want their family back together?
So that's the thing. We may not live together,
but we're still a family and we're always gonna be.
I do like having two Christmases and birthdays.
Wait, if both of you marry other people,
then get divorced again, would that mean
that I get four Christmases and birthdays?
[chuckles]
Is their a reality show that could speed this up?
[chuckles]
[sighing] Look, Millicent. I'm sorry.
I just wanted to spend time with you,
but I didn't even get to do that.
Look, you may not be CDO anymore,
but... I guess I'll keep you on as my dad.
Dad?
Don't make it weird.
[sniffling] Sorry, okay.
Hey, you earned your success.
You're the guy who made
the marshmallow White House sculpture.
The way that it was half melted
to reflect our disintegrating democracy...
such a brave statement.
It was an accident.
I left it next to my cell phone,
which broke out into a spontaneous fire.
Anyway, now I own a falcon named Jericho.
[chuckles]
Wow. I clearly did it all wrong.
Pursued my dreams, married for love,
two divorces and a failed start up later,
I'm back living with my mom.
Maybe instead of figuring out my next tech venture,
I'll just melt some marshmallows.
[chuckles] I'll sue you into the ground.
Wow. I clearly did it all wrong.
Oh, no.
Pursued my dreams, married for love,
Millicent, do not post that.
Shh, I'm making content.
Told you to stop recording me.
I'm make living with my mom.
Just because you adopted me doesn't make you my dad.
Back living with my mom.
Literally, it does. That is exactly what it means.
And send. [sighing]
Can you like it to give it some traction?
Can you like it to give it some traction, please?
Oh, that's cute. You're protecting Carly.
No. I want to cancel Carly.
Right, yeah, that makes more sense.
- Freddie. - Yeah?
You wanna dad it up?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
Uh, there's nothing I could do to stop you, right?
- Nothing. - Already, have fun.
Interesting.
Look, Kiki, that's not gonna cut it.
If I do the work, I should get paid.
That's my girl.
I mean... young person.
Well, maybe one day you can start your own club
and make whatever rules you want.
That's the smartest thing you've ever said, Kiki.
I'll sell my own fudge balls.
Then you will be hearing from our lawyers.
Then we will be selling something else.
Good because I was just finishing
my timeline audit... on you.
What? I thought you were doing an audit on Carly.
I was but all I found were post supporting puppy
and cat adoption centers. She's a saint.
You, on the other hand, cyber bullying.
Cyber bullying? Against who?
Against me.
Eight years ago at 3:47 p.m., you wrote and I quote,
"I never, ever, ever, ever, ever want kids. Ever."
I was joking.
Then you said, "If you think I'm joking, I am not."
Okay, wow, I know that sounds bad,
but this was from so long ago,
I was probably wearing Crocs when I wrote it.
Why? Did you use to be a nurse?
No, I just like a shoe that's easy to clean
and comes in fun bold colors.
Millicent, I'm sorry.
Tell me how I can make this right.
A six pack of Red Lamb Energy Drink.
Red Lamb? That's just caffeine and sugar.
And red food dye number five. That's what makes it delicious.
You can't drink that. It's not good for kids.
Emotional trauma isn't good for kids either, yet...
Regular or banana blast?
We were just talking.
Why don't you want me to fall in love?
It makes me sad to see you sad,
so I'm just trying to protect you.
Millicent, broken heart's a part of life.
And you're the kid, Okay? It's my job to protect you.
Okay. Except when you see a moth,
you're gonna be all, "Millicent get it
before it flies into my mouth while I'm sleeping."
Except for then.
So do you think it's okay if I dance?
She was a paid actor. Let it go.
Not her.
Just promise me you will not do your dancing face.
What face? This face?
So, uh, this place is what?
Just skewering things on the Internet?
Ooh, where's the part
where they make fun of JavaScript?
"@NotMillicent123, Manipulating parents is so easy.
Check out my new keys."
Seriously?
[chuckles]
It says NotMillicent123, so obviously, it's not me.
Millicent?
Uh, fine. It's me, Millicent123.
So you're not actually traumatized?
No. I just took advantage of your insecurities
about being a new parent to get some cool stuff.
- Hmm. - Thanks for the keyboard.
Yeah. B- Uh-uh.
Was there an apology in there?
Come on. An admission of guilt isn't enough?
Not in 2021.
Who do you think you are, a high profile male celebrity?
You pretended to be hurt so I would buy your stuff.
And it's my keyboard now.
You're right.
Thank you for teaching me a moral lesson.
It's better than any gift you could have ever gotten me.
Well, you're welcome, Millicent.
You know what? Here, take the keyboard.
You're so easy. [giggling]