- Gwyneth.
Gwyneth was here.
She says, "Hey bitch.
"Put this in your vagina. (exciting music)
"Squeeze tight.
"Squeeze."
(whooshing)
(creaking)
Goop is a lifestyle brand started by Gwyneth Paltrow.
I know it sells a bunch of products.
I know it gives a lot of advice.
Goop has a reputation
of being extremely expensive. (cash register dings)
Almost unnecessarily expensive,
but like, I do always find myself, like,
curious about it.
I am very cynical.
And so, like, I can never really get too far into this world
without my brain going, (coughs) excuse me,
is this science supported?
Like what are the ingredients?
Why is this $80?
But like, I am a hippie-dippy chick.
I love fuckin' green smoothies.
I've been known to carry around some rose quartz
in my pocket.
I like to read horoscopes sometimes.
I'm a very split individual.
Maybe me diving off the deep end into the Goop stratosphere
will help me make a decision
on which camp I'm actually in.
Although I have a feeling if I went full Goop,
my boyfriend would leave me.
I'm on the Goop website right now,
and I'm gonna choose two or three items
to like, help me live a Goop whole, full existence.
So first thing on the wellness site,
there's vitamin packets,
which like, I can get behind that.
I take a multivitamin every day.
Mind you, it's a gummy vitamin.
And they have, like, kitschy, trendy names,
like why am I so effing tired?
Balls in the air,
I'm working really hard at an intense pace,
and don't have time to slow down or get sick.
That resonates with me.
I fucking hate when I get sick.
They're $90 (cash register dings)
for a packet of 30.
This is the thing I love about this.
It says note, works for guys, too.
They're vitamins.
Unless these are prenatal vitamins,
they should work for guys, too.
Like, what?
There are the jade eggs and the rose quartz egg.
The jade egg is $66 (cash register dings)
and the rose quartz
egg is $55. (cash register dings)
Why?
(groans)
This is my favorite.
Paper Crane Apothecary has something called a psychic
vampire repellent, (cash register dings)
which is a protective mist to shield you
from all the vampires and negative energy in your life.
So what you have to do is you have to fan spray generously
around your head to safeguard my aura.
If someone says shit to me,
I'm just gonna be like nope, nope.
Adding this to the bag.
The glow advanced inner beauty powder
contains 24 carefully-selected skin-loving ingredients.
I guess this is a protein powder.
It's $70, (cash register dings)
but this, at least I can get behind.
It's 5.3 ounces,
which ratio of product to price
has been the most reasonable so far.
So I feel like this is good.
It's like a collagen-esque smoothie mix.
All right, I'll add this to the bag.
It has come to my attention from our producer, Annie,
that I'm getting these wearable stickers
that promote healing.
Really.
They fill your deficiencies in your reserves,
creating a calming effect,
smoothing out both physical tension and anxiety.
Most people operate at this tempo.
I operate at this tempo.
I just do, that's just who I am.
So, (record scratching) holy shit.
Holy shit, these stickers are $60.
The goal here is that I'm gonna use these
alternative medicinal practices
to make me more zen,
to give me more chill.
At the same time,
why is it so expensive?
Oh, wow.
Is this what I think it is?
It smells like a higher tax bracket that I am not in.
So I'll rate these products
from what I think is the goopiest product
to the least goopiest product.
And I'll even say on a scale of one to 10,
how luxurious it is,
and a scale of one to 10, how practical it is.
So we'll start with the least goopiest products first.
This is my glow powder. (cash register dings)
Inner beauty powder.
This powder is brown,
and I did not expect it to be brown.
I thought it was gonna be light and glittery.
So the collagen smoothie mix
is just like any kind of supplement or smoothie mix
that you might add to like, a drink.
And so that, practicality wise,
I'm gonna say it's about a five,
just because it is $70 and you only get this much of it.
But I will say that it made my skin look really good.
I love the way it tasted.
This tastes like, those like, old Nutri-Grain granola bars
that had like a fruit center.
Gwyneth.
Did you just crumble up one of these bars
and put it into a jar and resell it for $60?
I've never really taken collagen before as a supplement,
but I think I'm gonna keep doing that
because I just felt like my skin, hair,
and nails looked healthier.
But (record scratching)
it definitely made my poop a weird color.
Like I'm talking like,
Georgia red clay.
You know what?
I'll actually say on a scale of one to 10,
I'll give it a six.
Because it's practical, it's just a smoothie mix.
It's a supplement you can sprinkle into any of your drinks.
On a scale of one to 10 when it comes to luxury,
I would give this an eight.
It's $70.
So the second product
in the level of like, goopiness, are these why am I
so effing tired vitamins. (cash register dinging)
This is for one day.
These vitamins
worked a little too well.
So I've been taking these goop vitamins pretty religiously
throughout the week.
Maybe I've skipped a day or two.
Friday, I skipped the vitamin pack
and I woke up and I just felt so shitty.
What if there's a side effect to these vitamins?
So I researched them, and lo and behold,
other women have like, written blogs saying that like yeah,
they give you like a kick in your day,
but they do have, like, a withdrawal.
I think these bad boys have like,
an insane amount of B vitamins.
Yeah, it has two different types of vitamin B.
625% of your daily value.
625%.
Why would I need 625% of my daily value of anything?
So they're definitely potent,
they're very, very powerful.
I would not take them every day.
So on a level of practicality,
they're practical as fuck.
They're like, nines.
Because, like, if you need to get stuff done,
good on you, go for it.
On a level of luxury,
I would also give this about an eight
because they're expensive.
Proceed with caution, everyone.
I'm wondering if this is
not that great for you.
On the level of goopiness,
we're moving up the goop chain.
We've arrived at the vampire spray.
Psychic vampire repellent. (cash register dings)
Protection mist, a unique and complex blend
of sonically-tuned gem elixirs.
Do you hear that?
It's got crystals in it.
It's tinkling.
It's tinkling with magic energy.
You know me.
I have crystals at my desk,
I like to read tarot cards sometimes.
I'm not a true cynic,
but this vampire spray had me like, rolling my eyes a bit.
Let me just go ahead and spray this vampire spray
around my aura real quick.
First of all, the first ingredient in it is grain alcohol.
- One of the ingredients is sound waves.
And also moonlight.
The main ingredient is sonically-tuned water,
which I think might be like, the least wacky ingredient
in this whole thing.
Also, grain alcohol.
So I just do this?
- [Devin] Yeah, around your aura.
- My, what, where is my aura?
- [Devin] Where do you think your aura is, Kristin?
- Where do you think my aura is?
'Cause I don't think an aura is real.
- There were a couple days where I sprayed it around my desk
to keep vampiric energy away.
And when I say vampiric energy,
I think what they mean is just like, soul-sucking energy,
like negative energy.
But it really didn't protect me from any of that.
It just made my office smell a little funny.
- It smells like socks dipped in grain alcohol.
- On a level of practicality, I'll give this a two.
On a level of luxury on a scale of one to 10,
I'll give it an eight.
It's a pretty luxurious product.
This, ooh, this smells good,
is my (cat meows) egg.
Yoni eggs, (cash register dings)
one strictly guarded secret
of the Chinese concubines
and royalty and antiquity,
harness the power of energy work crystal healing
in a kegel-like physical practice.
Regular use increases chi, orgasms,
vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance,
and feminine energy, in general.
When it comes to, like, using the jade egg,
there's a huge process of like, cleaning the egg,
'cause you don't wanna get a yeast infection.
That's the number one thing you want to avoid
when putting things in your vagina.
Diseases.
Of course, you need to wash it with soap and water,
and then you need to boil it for 10 minutes.
So I have my diva cup already boiling away
so I'm just gonna put this bad boy.
That's where you say your mantras
and burn your sage or your palo santos and stuff like that.
And I don't have time to do that more than once a week.
The second time I did it, I did it at work.
It's about four o'clock.
It's the worst time of the day for me,
and I figure now's the best time
since it's the worst time for me to just
put the jade egg up my vagina.
- Closer you get to me,
the more worried I am.
- I just put a rose quartz egg in my vagina.
(laughs) It's Goop.
It's for a video.
- I mean, I'm sure it will be goopy.
- I can't laugh too much,
'cause it's gonna come out.
- What?
- I actually forgot that I put it up there.
I was holding on to it for like a good four hours,
and I will say after I popped that sucker out,
I was sore down there.
And it was sore in a new place.
On a level of practicality, I'd give it a two.
It's really not that practical
for numerous reasons.
On a scale of one to 10 for luxury,
I'd give this bad boy a seven.
It's pretty luxurious.
Maybe one day,
I will be like, enlightened enough to build in some egg time
into my schedule.
They don't really make containers for vagina eggs, do they?
But for right now, I barely have time to scramble eggs
or hard boil eggs,
much less putting a rose quartz egg up my (cat meows)
Ooh.
Body vibes. (cash register dings)
Life in perfect frequency.
This is something I cannot get behind.
Because they're super expensive.
- You could wear two mylar blankets a day
all week for a sixth of the price
of sticking one of these fucking stickers on yourself.
- They're very vague.
They don't have, like, a description on them, really.
They're just stickers that you place on your body
that heighten your frequency.
I would have liked it if they would have explained
their dogma a little bit more.
Like.
Like there, I wrote your copy for you.
When I put the stickers on, I
didn't really feel anything.
- An adhesive carbon sticker.
That's every sticker in existence.
- The first day I put them on, I chose, like,
the highest frequency sticker,
and I put it, like, on my heart here.
And I felt a little weird
and like a little foggy.
(laughing)
- And was that before or after the sticker?
Is it too powerful for you, or like what?
- So for practicality, on a scale of one to 10,
those stickers are a three.
They don't really give any indication
of like, if you feel this, then it's working.
It's literally like, here are some $60 stickers
that are supposed to make you into a better person.
As far as luxury goes, sure, I'll give it a 10.
'Cause like, who else can pay $60 for a sheet of stickers
unless you're really rich?
(groans)
(sighs)
So I lived my best Goop life
for a while.
These products are advertised as like,
tools to help manifest good things and good energy
and good vibes into your life.
And if that's the case, I didn't do it right.
Spiritual enlightenment and self-confidence
are things that are hard enough to like,
maintain on a day-to-day basis.
If you're gonna sell me something that's really expensive
that's supposed to help me on my path to that,
I would really appreciate it
if you gave me a little bit more comprehensive directions.
If there's some other offbeat,
weird spiritual enlightenment tool
that you want me to try,
let me know in the comments,
'cause I'm here for it.
That said, like,
Gwyneth, girl,
we need to talk about privilege.
Most people really want to feel magical
and confident in their lives.
It's weird that you're charging them so much to do that.
And also like, where did you get that font?
I still love your font so much.
What is it?
(whooshing)
(creaking)