Hello, my name is SNES Man.
Today's game is called Shaq-Fu.
It's about the famous basketball player, Shaquille O'Neal, and his dramatic kung-fu adventures.
You might ask: Why is a basketball player in a Super Nintendo game?
Well, the Shaq Daddy wasn't just a star athlete.
He was also a jesus-like celebrity in the 90's, acting in cinematic masterpieces like
Kazaam, and mesmerizing America with his flawless rap albums.
So, he asked himself one day, why don't I make a video game?
And that's when the magic began.
Shaq-Fu is a hidden masterpiece, a true work of genius that made later games like Ocarina
of Time and Skyrim look like a joke.
Surprisingly, critics have been really harsh with this game.
Gameinformer listed it in its list of worst games ever.
There's even a website called shaqfu.com that's devoted to tracking down and destroying every
copy of the game.
How tragic.
How sickening to think that people would want to destroy one of mankind's greatest triumphs.
Let's take a look at this video game triumph and get down to gaming.
When you put in the game, this is the sound it makes . . . Well, that was different.
I don't know what that was supposed to be . . . but who am I to question Shaq-Fu?
Shame on me.
Here's our title screen.
Let's choose Story Mode and see what wonders await us.
Here's the intro cut scene.
I'm so excited!
Our story begins with Shaquille O'Neal wandering through Tokyo.
The graphics are just heavenly.
Look at the attention to detail on Shaq's face!
Look at the beautiful product placement!
What a celebration of American ideals!
So, anyway, our hero goes into a Kung Fu dojo and meets a weird old guy.
They have several pages of fascinating small-talk and then the old guy is like, "Shaq, go through
this magic portal and save this kid who got lost in there" or something like that.
Shaq enters the 2nd world . . . How mysterious!
It's a good thing this game wasn't set in the real world.
That'd be so boring and stupid.
And simply put, that would make too much sense.
Instead, Shaq-Fu takes the path of artistic genius.
It tosses you into a beautifully rendered Second World and tells you "explore!"
From here, you can choose which battle you want to go to.
Now, some people might say that this whole map thing is a gimmick since it's just a way
of choosing stages.
But that's missing the whole point!
Shaq-Fu isn't your run-of-the-mill fighting game.
You can explore the entire island and marvel at its beauty.
If you get tired of fighting, you can take a leisurely stroll along the coast.
or wander through the forest.
Trust me, this will entertain you for hours.
But let's get down to the actual fighting.
This is a fighting game after all.
Here, Shaq dramatically confronts the evil Mephis before the fight.
Mephis responds by saying, "I'll whisper in your ear after I slap you silly".
Now some people could say this has sexual connotations but that is simply ridiculous!
How dare they mock such a brilliant piece of dialogue.
Shame on them.
Well, I guess there is another kind of questionable line that this cat lady says later.
She says, "I'm gonna do some serious damage to your body."
Once again, no sexual connotations.
So shut up.
Okay, back to the fighting.
Shaq-Fu is a classic 2-D fighter but don't be fooled by its humble appearance.
This game makes Street Fighter look like dirt.
When you play as Shaq, you feel like you're controlling an unbeatable monster, a champion
on the battlefield.
The combat never gets stale because you can choose from so many options!
Not only can you choose between punching and kicking, you can do soft attacks and heavy
attacks.
Add in the jump attack and you have five whole moves to choose from!
Some people don't like the jumping in this game but I thought it was fantastic.
Look how far you can jump!
It's like playing as a kangaroo and kangaroos are awesome!
If you don't like kangaroos, you can get out of America.
Okay, true, it's really hard to hit your enemy when you're jumping around like that but who
cares?
Shaq-fu isn't focused on mundane things like "just killing your enemy".
That would be so generic and stupid.
Instead, Shaq-fu lets you stop and enjoy the game.
You can leap with joy, taking in the gorgeous graphics and thanking God that such a masterpiece
was ever created.
Can you do special moves?
Yes.
But luckily, the controls are so awkward that you most likely won't learn how to use them.
That's a good thing.
Some old games like Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat were too obsessed with special moves
and that ruined the whole experience.
Shaq-Fu understands that simple punches and kicks are much more fun to use.
Blocking is also different in Shaq-Fu.
In most 2-D fighters, you can block an attack by walking backwards and your character will
put up their arms in defense.
However, in this game, the characters never seem to do a blocking animation.
No, this wasn't because the game developers were lazy.
It's an intentional feature - it adds suspense to the game because you never know when your
enemy is blocking or not.
Okay, off topic but wow, when he's out of health, Shaq looks like a rotting, undead
Bill Cosby.
But never mind.
Shaq-Fu is just a staggering achievement in video game history.
Anyone who thinks it's a bad game is probably uneducated or crazy.
Okay, well let's finish up on talking about the Story Mode.
After Shaq defeats an evil mummy king, here's the ending.
Shaq saves the kid who got lost in the 2nd world and rushes back just in time to play
a basketball game.
"Let's just say I had to fight some traffic to get here."
Hilarious.
See, the joke is that Shaq DIDN'T get stuck in traffic - he was busy fighting monsters
in another dimension.
Just making sure you guys got it because that is comedic gold and I didn't hear you laughing.
Shame on you.
Then, a monster from the other dimension, Beast, shows up to challenge Shaq to basketball.
THE END Never have I seen such a brilliant, touching ending.
So that's Story Mode but what other modes are there in Shaq Fu?
Well, there's a versus mode for two players.
Sadly, I can never get anyone to play this with me for some reason.
I don't know why.
In this mode, you can choose to play as any of the monsters from the Second World.
Some of them have kind of interesting moves like Mephis with his force shield.
But I find this characters distracting.
Why would you need anyone other than Shaq?
Have some loyalty for goodness sake!
Another mode in Shaq-Fu is Tournament Mode.
This is exactly what it sounds like.
You can set up a tournament for all your friends and duel each other.
I don't know why Shaq-Fu tournaments haven't caught on like Brawl or Melee have.
Kids these days don't know real fighting games.
They don't know about the pure brilliance of Shaq-Fu.
And that's just sad.
THINGS TO MAKE IT BETTER -Nothing.
What more can I say?
Shaq-Fu is a hidden masterpiece, a true piece of artwork that outshines every game that
dared to wallow in its shadows.
A 3 out of 10.
Okay, no more sarcasm.
It sucks.
Everyone knows that.
Just please don't play Shaq-Fu.
This has been a SNES Man review and I'll talk to you again sometime soon.
But seriously, don't play it.