- Is Wednesday Addams autistic?
Is she neurodivergent?
What is the evidence for that?
And what can it teach us about people in our lives
who are similar?
(jazzy upbeat music)
All right, we're gonna be talking about Wednesday Addams
in the Netflix series "Wednesday"
and the concept of neurodivergence specifically, Autism.
She's never formally diagnosed as autistic,
but a lot of people have said that she is
coded as autistic, Like the signs are there.
So what is neurodivergence? It's right there in the name.
Neuro, how your brain thinks, Like neurology.
And divergence
to diverge from the norm.
Right?
To think differently than other people.
To feel differently than other people.
To relate differently than other people relate.
So let's just dive right in.
She's gonna be in the library, she's investigating.
And Thornhill, played by original, well
original for me 'cause I'm from the '90s.
Original Wednesday, Christina Ricci, is now playing
Thornhill a teacher in this high school
and let's watch.
- [Wednesday] The cover was darker
more like a day old contusion.
Keep looking
- Like a day old contusion.
- [Thornhill] I don't usually find students in here
looking for actual books.
(giggles)
Most sneak in to make out.
- I accidentally walked in on two vampires fanging,
I can't unsee that.
- (laughs)
- Is there something I can help you find?
(papers shuffling)
- Have you seen this before?
It's a watermark from a book I'm looking for.
- I think it's the symbol to an old student society.
The Night Shades.
- Like the deadly flower?
Color me intrigued.
- I was told they disband it.
- So notice
- [Wednesday] Any idea why?
- Wednesday's flat affect
like monotone delivery
lack of emotion.
- [Thornhill] I was very impressed with you answers
in class today.
- My mother is a carnivorous plant aficinonado.
I assume I get my red thumb from her.
- Are you and your mother close?
- Like two inmates sentenced to life on the same cell block.
- So Thornhill is engaging the way you might see
your average person engage, right?
Polite, positive, asking questions.
Wednesday doesn't ask questions in return.
There's no reciprocation.
There's no trying to get to know you.
And following the social cues
of this is how conversations go
this is how you build rapport.
Wednesday's just giving direct factual answers and
not showing any emotion
and not really feeling any emotion either.
And Thornhill seems to understand this
and not be put off by this.
I mean, I'm not gonna talk about what happens in the series
you'll have to watch it for yourself.
But Thornhill seems to have a good grasp on what's going
on with Wednesday and doesn't take any offense to it
because she sees that Wednesday
sees the world differently than she does.
Thinks differently than she does
and deals with emotion differently than she does.
"Are you and your mother close?"
A lot of people would say yes or they would say
or they would lie and say yes
or they would say
"no, not especially."
But Wednesday says "like inmates in a cell block," right?
Just (chuckles) it's very unique.
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- [Thornhill] I know it can't be easy
showing up mid-semester.
I've been here a year and a half and
I still feel like an outsider.
- Is that because you're the only normy
on the staff?
Enid told me.
- So here Wednesday actually is making a
a bid to relate and to connect
but not in the way that you would normally see.
"Is that because you're the only normy on the staff?"
instead of
"That sounds really hard"
or "I know how you feel," right?
She's really focused and honed in on the facts of the
of the matter, not the heart of it.
And again, there's nothing wrong with it.
Nothing wrong with that at all.
It's just a different way of being.
- To tell you the truth
I've never really fit in anywhere.
Too odd for the normies.
Not odd enough for the outcasts.
I thought Nevermore would be different but
there's still a handful of teachers who will
barely acknowledge me.
- I act as if I don't care if people dislike me.
Deep down
I secretly enjoy it.
(chuckles)
- [Thornhill] Never lose that Wednesday.
- Lose what?
- The ability to not let others define you.
It's a gift.
- Yes.
- Doesn't always feel that way.
- The most interesting plants grow in the shade.
And if you ever need anyone to talk to
the door to the conservatory is always open.
- And I've watched enough TV shows
and movies that I'm like, this teacher is nice.
Don't trust her!
Right? (chuckles)
But I, I love, I love what she's saying here.
Like, if we take the scene in isolation
it's really powerful and profound that
well, okay, first of all, Wednesday says
"I pretend that it doesn't bother me
that people don't want me around or don't like me."
And you would expect her to say
but it actually really hurts.
But instead she says, "secretly I really enjoy it."
(chuckles)
And Thornhill, instead of being weirded out
or not knowing how to relate to that
sees the strength in it.
Because neurodivergence and in a particular, autism
there's strength there, there's power there.
There's something unique there that
that you don't find in neuronormative people, right?
Anyone who sees the world differently
they bring something unique.
And Thornhill says, "never lose that."
That ability to not care what people think about you
and to not be defined
by the expectations of others
is a gift.
And it absolutely is.
So what is
autism?
We could have a much longer discussion.
So I'm just gonna give a few of the basics.
Autism is classified as
not being able to understand
or read the social cues of others.
Verbal or non-verbal.
Difficulty starting or maintaining
relationships with people.
Flat affect, flat emotion
and difficulty with perspective taking, right?
Understanding what another person is thinking or feeling.
These are just some, some of the codes
and you see this with
with Wednesday throughout the series.
Right?
She's just very flat, she's very monotone.
She keeps to herself, she's very fact-based.
When people want to have relationships with her
when they want to connect with her
she doesn't
tend to respond in kind.
Either showing an interest or
if she's interested even knowing how to do that.
Right?
How to ask the, the quote unquote right questions.
How to, how to mirror what another person is doing.
She just doesn't have any of that.
She's just herself.
And as Thornhill rightly
points out, that's a strength.
So how do we connect with people like this?
'Cause you may have a friend or a family member or a child
in your life who is neurodivergent
and there's a lot of pressure to conform.
There's a lot of pressure to be more like everybody else.
And to do so would be a betrayal, right?
To do so for them would be to
fundamentally change who they are.
And they've no desire to do that.
So how do we build those connections
and how do they open up?
Let's keep watching.
(punchy music)
- [Wednesday] Whomever invented high heels
clearly had a side hustle as a torturer.
- As my dear mother always says
"fire tests gold, suffering test a woman."
- Speaking of suffering, where's your date?
- (chuckles) I didn't see you and Xavier on the dance floor.
- We had a little tiff.
What about you? Actually-
- Wednesday had no desire to be at the dance.
Take part in the social customs.
- You don't know what it's like
- Being beautiful and popular.
- Never knowing people's true feelings.
If someone likes me for me.
- What about your amulet?
- It's not foolproof, it's a mouth-
- Do you notice how there was a
there was a moment there
where Wednesday could have empathized
and she just
once again went right for the fact of things.
"What about the amulet?"
instead of, "that sounds really hard."
Again, nothing wrong with it
it's another way of being.
But if you have someone like this in your life
you need to adjust your expectations.
And instead of shaming them or guilting them
for not asking the questions
you would ask, you need to recognize
just by having the conversation.
Just by sitting down
and asking about me
they are showing that they care.
Instead of they
instead of trying to micromanage how they do it.
She is, Wednesday is showing interest in Bianca and
that she cares in her own way
right now.
And if we're looking for it to look like somebody
how somebody else might do it
we're gonna miss it entirely.
- Mild prophylactic
so to speak.
That's why Xavier broke up with me.
Could never fully trust me.
The worst part is I can never trust his feelings either.
I never knew if they were real or not.
- 'Cause she's a siren.
- You're lucky.
- Do tell?
- You don't care what people think of you.
- Honestly, I wish I cared a little more.
- "Honestly. I wish I cared a little more."
Here's the thing about autistic people.
Neurodivergent people.
Why does she wish she cared a little more?
Because it hurts her that, that she doesn't.
Because there's still that human longing for connection.
Even if it manifests differently.
Even if it shows up differently.
Even if it feels different, it's still there.
And she's seeing
I don't fit in.
And that hurts no matter who you are.
I'm treated differently.
I'm judged.
I'm turned away.
No matter who you are, that hurts.
And Wednesday is seeing, if I cared a little more
then maybe I might act differently than other people do.
And maybe I might have more friends.
The key for connecting with somebody
like this, is to accept them for who they are.
Because they have great strengths
and they have incredible talents
and they bring so much that is unique
to the group. But you have to let them be who they are.
And if you are neurodivergent, it is hard.
It's hard to understand because
you don't see the world of the way other people see.
And so you assess it
from outside externally
and try and make sense of it.
Every healthy relationship requires a high degree
of mutual tolerance.
Your friends are gonna
be more peppy probably (chuckles)
in many cases.
They're gonna be more emotional.
They're gonna be more empathetic.
But they're also gonna be more easily offended
and more easily hurt.
Every personality
every way of thinking has strengths and weaknesses.
And the key
is acceptance.
The key is not trying to push people
to be different than who they are.
Yes, we can grow to be better versions of ourselves
but we shouldn't have to fundamentally change who
we are
to have connections.
In this clip, Enid, Wednesday's outgoing roommate
tried to throw her a surprise party.
And Wednesday didn't pick up on the social cues.
Right?
They didn't cut the cake.
She wasn't excited to see everybody.
She didn't have a good time.
She just basically just went on to
I'm still trying to solve the misery
the this mystery. Yeah, you guys come, threw me a party.
That's great, right?
And Enid has had enough.
- [Wednesday] Where are you going?
- Yoko's room.
Thorn Hill said I could crash there for a few nights.
- There's no need.
I spoke with Weems.
You and Saab won't be punished.
- Am I supposed to thank you?
- I already apologized.
It's over.
(thunder rumbles)
- [Enid] Over?
Tonight was just the icing on the birthday cake
you couldn't even be bothered to cut.
You'll use anyone to get what you want
even if it means putting them in danger.
We could have died tonight because of your stupid obsession
- But we didn't.
- See, that's my point, "We didn't."
- Now I'm one step closer to solving this case.
That is what is important.
- Different values.
- I've tried.
Really
Really, really hard to be your friend.
Always put myself out there.
Thought of your feelings.
Told people
I know she gives off serial killer vibes
but she's really just shy.
- I never asked you to do that.
- You didn't have to because that's what friends do.
They don't have to be asked.
And the fact that you don't know that
says everything.
You wanna be alone Wednesday?
Be alone.
(door slams shut)
- So what's beautiful and powerful about this scene
is right here.
(thunder rumbles)
Wednesday does feel it.
(thunder rumbles)
The lack.
(sad violin playing)
How different she is
and how lonely that can be.
- [Wednesday] Goodie warned that I was destined to be alone.
- "Goodie warn that I was destined to be alone."
Enid, for her part
is not a bad person
and is not a bad character.
She just doesn't understand.
And her
thoughts and feelings are totally valid
because to her, this is what friendship is.
You stand up for your friends.
You tell people to give them a chance
and you try and see the good in them
and you try and open up
and get them to open up so we can connect.
And Wednesday's not really reciprocating any of that
or doing it in return.
I mean, how does Wednesday show that she cares?
By trying to help Enid succeed.
By trying to help her succeed on
going on a date.
Succeed in school.
Succeed in extracurriculars and
and simply by accepting Enid
for who she is.
They have different values about what friendship is
and different ideas about what relationships look like.
And Wednesday is very driven by solving the mystery.
And Enid is driven by connection.
And it's two different people and two different things.
But you can see when Enid leaves
Wednesday feels regret for hurting her.
That's the biggest thing about
people with autism is
they're often confused
and regretful when they hurt somebody unintentionally.
And it's hard to understand how they got there
and what to do differently.
Later, we see that Enid wolfs out
she's a werewolf
but she hasn't been able to become a werewolf
until Wednesday is in danger.
And so Enid wolfs out and
and saves Wednesday
and there's this giant battle.
Lots of violence.
Super fun.
And then this happens.
- Where's Wednesday?
(gasping)
(whispering from crowd)
(breathing heavily)
- And they
they never hug, Wednesday's never let her hug her.
(laughing)
I love that Wednesday's like
I don't do this
even after a giant battle.
And she sees the love in, in Enid's eyes.
And what I can't tell about
how this scene is acted and performed
and I think it's purposefully ambiguous.
See, we see Wednesday here
letting herself feel that hug.
Right?
And letting herself want it.
But before, when she, when she hugs Enid for the first time
is it just because
she's like, well I could see Enid really needs this
and I do care about her, so here we go.
Most people I know who aren't huggers
when they hug somebody, it's like
well, this is important to you
and I care about you, so fine.
(chuckles)
Right?
But in Wednesday's case
she allows herself to, to feel the connection.
Neurodivergent people
aren't broken
they're just different.
It's just a different way of being.
And as I said
as Wednesday's friends come to see
she brings something wholly unique.
She brings skills and talents that the others don't have.
Her laser focus.
Her ability to hone in on things and get the job done
get the task done
and to not let her fears or worries
or sadness get to her.
That she can be objective and
and be rational and solve problems.
Is it a struggle in her relationships?
Yeah. But it's great for her in life.
And when her group finally says
she's welcome here
what she brings
strengthens us, helps us.
And in our way, we help her to be a little more connected.
We help her to be a little more empathetic.
A little more compassionate.
You know, those little steps
that might be what you're looking at.
That might be what
what you have to embrace and, and say
I'm grateful for these little steps.
Instead of hoping for big change.
We all think that our way of doing things is the right way.
And so we, we want people to make big changes
to be more like us.
The power of neurodivergence
and, and of incorporating these people
more into our lives and accepting them
for who they are is
the group is strengthened as a whole
by the differences within it.
Right?
We play off each other and we help each other to grow.
And that's, that's my big lesson from Wednesday
and the autism coding that I see there.
If you enjoyed this video I invite you to check out
"You need to just get past it they said."
it's a video about emotional trauma.
Talking about bad advice that therapists have given
and what advice that
that we would give in return.
If you
need help
navigating your relationship.
If you're neurodivergent and you don't know
understand how, how other people think
and how other people approach relationships
we can help you.
If you have someone like this in your life
we can help you.
Go to mendedlight.com
and schedule a complimentary 15 minute
discovery call with a member of our team.
Are you neurodivergent?
Let us know in the comments below
what your experience is like.
And if I got anything wrong, let me know.
Or if, if it's incomplete, I I wanna learn from you.
If I got anything right, I I think I got a few things right.
Let me know that too.
If you enjoyed Wednesday and are excited for season two
let us know in the comments below.
What else would you like to see me react to?
What else would you like to see get therapized.
If you want to learn more about relationships
and working through trauma
we've got a membership site
where you can take online courses and take part in live
book clubs and Q&A's with me and with Alicia
and learn and grow together.
And so you can learn about that at MendedLight.com as well.
Until next time, folks
keep shining because we need your light.
(jazzy upbeat music)