I don't know about you, but for me, it's crucial to stay productive during quarantine. For
example, at the start of the year, I bought a journal to keep tabs on every book I've
read and every film I've seen, but now I'm just keeping a list of every porn I've watched
that's troubled me. Starting with hardcore kissing. It's not what you think. And while
we're all trying to do the most to stay sane during the pandemic, the president is doing
literally the least. - The Navy Blue Angels will be performing
air shows over America's major cities. What we're doing is we're paying tribute to our
frontline health care workers confronting COVID.
Many people in America's major cities are locked indoors. The only thing they can see
out their window is the creepy neighbor who does bottomless yoga. Flying a squadron of
jets costs at least $60,000/hour. The only way spending that kind of cash makes sense
is if they're dropping PPE over hospitals and also Nintendo Switches over my house.
Look, we should absolutely honor essential workers. But not with military jets or by
calling them "heroes" while paying them criminally low wages. We should actually be protecting
them. And there's one group of workers who really need our protection right now: the
Postal Service. Look, I know it's hard to get excited about the Postal Service, because
it's just, like, always there, quietly doing its job. But the Postal Service is hot as
hell. How hot? I mean, the workers wear knee shorts, they give it to us in the rain, sleet
and snow, and they're the only federal agency built entirely on the principle of licking
stuff. Unfortunately, as badly as the government is neglecting other frontline workers, it
saved the biggest "f— you" for the Postal Service.
- The U.S. Postal Service is sounding the alarm. Without financial assistance from the
government, it will be out of cash by the end of September. When House Democrats asked
for $25 billion in funding during the stimulus talks, sources tell CNN, the Trump administration
rejected the idea. - The Postal Service is a joke. Because they’re
handing out packages for Amazon and other internet companies, and every time they bring
a package they lose money on it. If they raise the price of the package by approximately
four times, it would be a whole new ball game. But they don't want to raise because they
don't want to insult Amazon. That wouldn't insult Amazon. The only way
you can insult Amazon is by accidentally calling Alexa "Siri." They weren't supposed to know
about each other. Last week, Trump threatened to block coronavirus aid for the U.S. Postal
Service unless it hikes its prices immediately. Specifically, the president thinks the Post
Office is under-charging Amazon for deliveries, something his own administration has debunked.
Trump is obsessed with Amazon and hates Jeff Bezos. And not for all the good reasons to
hate Jeff Bezos. It's because he owns the Washington Post. Being mad at Jeff Bezos for
owning the Washington Post is like being mad at George Bush for painting wrong. This is
the worst possible time for us to have to suffer through another one of the president's
vendettas. It's an election year, and with coronavirus outbreaks expected to continue
through the fall, the Postal Service may be the only thing that could save our democracy.
This November, we need universal vote-by-mail. After Wisconsin Republicans refused to postpone
its primary or expand mail-in voting, the state saw dozens of coronavirus cases among
voters. The state also faced backlash for its poorly timed get out the vote campaign,
"Catch Voting Fever!" Republicans resist mail-in voting because they're afraid it will help
Democrats, but there's no evidence to confirm that. Mail-in voting helps everyone: old people,
young people, late night TV people who would've liked being invited to Zoom with Lady Gaga,
but are fine that didn't happen. Five states already vote mostly by mail, including Utah,
a state so conservative, each ballot has to marry the ballot box before being inserted
into the slot. And even though the Postal Service has been in financial trouble before,
in 2020, it's in serious danger. - It's having a dire impact on the public
Postal Service itself. Small businesses aren't mailing. Advertisers aren't mailing. Those
who want to send birthday cards can't get the birthday cards and mail it.
He's right, I ran out of birthday cards and I had to send my 7-year-old nephew a card
saying "congratulations on your pregnancy!” He doesn't even know where babies come from
yet! So I wrote it on the back. Due to the pandemic, mail volume is down by nearly a
third. More than 1,200 workers have tested positive for the coronavirus, and many are
concerned about the lack of supplies and care provided on the job. Post Office workers shouldn't
be afraid of not having basic supplies. The only thing they should be afraid of is being
stalked by wild turkeys. - Over the last month, he's acquainted himself
quite well with the truck and now has started to follow me. He did startle me. He kind of
jumped up and flapped his wings, feathers, whatever it is. I'll be honest. At the beginning
it was, “get away from the truck”. But now, I'm not even speaking to him.
If he wants to talk to me, he can visit me after work and face me like a man. Turkey.
A turkey man. The Postal Service is one of the only federal agencies directly authorized
in the Constitution, and it's one of the most democratic institutions we have. It's legally
required to deliver to anyone, anywhere, at the same price. Which is great, because I've
got a lot of relatives around the country and a lot of “congratulations on your pregnancy”
cards. The crazy thing? Grandma was. And believe it or not, the Postal Service doesn't cost
taxpayers anything. It's funded entirely through the sale of its services and products. That's
why it's always coming out with new stamps, like the upcoming hip-hop commemorative series.
Which is fitting, because the Post Office was kind of a hip-hop pioneer.
- Now that's easy to say and it sounds just fine / But let's put this question right on
the line / What is the zip code, a postal quirk? / What does it do? How does it work?
/ If you'll lend an ear, we'll be glad to explain / How a zip code eases your postal
pain! This is the weirdest person I've ever been
attracted to. I want to ruin him by showing him the way we have sex now. Like in the 2020
way. Does that make sense? He would snap like a piece of balsa wood. He's not ready for
it. Like what he thinks is crazy is so far from crazy now. Unlike the rapping in that
video, the Postal Service is actually good. It even has the highest approval rating of
any federal agency, with 91% of both Democrats and Republicans viewing it favorably. But
even if their voters like it, Republican leaders hate when the government actually works. They've
been trying to undermine the Postal Service for decades. Going back to 1982, when Ronald
Reagan signed a law requiring NBC's thursday-night lineup to feature at least one asshole mailman
at all times. More recently, Republicans have fought to lower wages, reduce benefits, eliminate
routes and cancel Saturday service. And ultimately, they want to privatize the Post Office. It's
ridiculous to expect the Post Office to be a money-making enterprise. It's a public good.
Expecting the Postal Service to turn a profit is like expecting public libraries to sell
the right to use their bathrooms. Going into a library to punish the bathroom and not read
is our American right. Furthermore, private companies like Fedex and UPS often rely on
the Post Office to do last-mile deliveries to save them money. And while we're comparing
Fedex to the Postal Service, ask yourself this: can you really trust a company that
did this to Tom Hanks? Oh, hello, Tom Hanks. Perhaps you've noticed I've been making lots
of references to you lately. Just trying to get your attention so you'll do my show or
donate some of your blood to me. I'm not sick. I just think it'll make me a nicer person.
Since the pandemic has made it so important for people to stay home, the Post Office has
become a desperately needed lifeline delivering food, medications, and supplies. It can do
that because it reaches all 160 million addresses in America. That includes places that aren't
profitable for private companies to serve, which is why rural communities will suffer
the most if we lose it. When the nearest pharmacy or hardware store is 30 miles away, the Post
Office becomes indispensable. Especially for elderly people who can't drive. Like my grandma.
It's not because she's too old, it's because she's too pregnant. The fact is, the Postal
Service is in dire straits. We can't fix it without the government's help, but there are
some things we can do. In addition to putting pressure on our representatives, we can buy
stamps! You don't even have to use them to mail stuff. I used mine to wallpaper my bedroom.
No matter where I am, I can always feel Big Bird's eyes on me. Supporting the Postal Service
is so important, Full Frontal is going all in and designing our own line of stamps that
encapsulate our show in one square inch. They're real postage that you can use, and we're asking
you to help us choose the design! Just go to our Twitter page @fullfrontalsamb to vote
on one of four super cool stamps created by our graphics team. We're revealing the winner
tomorrow and giving them away for a limited time at samanthabee.com/stamps. They're absolutely
free. Wait, I just found out the results are already in and... Oh my god... The winner
is pregnant grandma? It doesn't even have the name of the show on it. Okay. Well. Democracy!