- Hi! Hello!
Oh, thank you so much. (audience cheering)
I love doing this
because I'm what's known as an extroverted introvert,
which, if you don't know,
basically means like,
when I'm talking, I'm very extroverted,
but if you're talking, I'd rather be alone.
(audience laughs)
I don't make most of my money doing standup comedy,
I make most of my money modeling for stock photos.
Like, it pays well.
I did this one last year.
They put me in a suit, very nice suit,
took a bunch of generic pictures of me,
just like, pointing, shrugging,
picking up boxes. (audience laughs)
I got 500 cash! That's a very good gig for me.
But a lot of my friends have been texting me
that they've seen
my stock photos
in their new office seminars
on sexual harassment.
(audience laughs)
So now, I'm saying terrible things like,
"Hey coworker, want a raise?
Earn it!"
(audience laughs)
I'm still seeing my therapist over Zoom,
and it's weird, I don't like it,
because I've never seen
inside my therapist's apartment before
with her knowing, (audience laughs)
and she's one of those Freudian therapist where like,
every time I asked her a question,
she twists it into a question about me.
Like, I asked her, I was like,
"When are we gonna start meeting in person again?"
And she was like, "Why are you under my bed?"
(audience laughs and applauds)
I think everyone should be in therapy,
especially more men need to be in therapy.
Yes, yes! (audience cheers)
Yes, yes,
but they're very reluctant!
Men are very reluctant.
My best friend, his name is Josh.
He's my age. He just went through a second divorce.
He's been very depressed, and I told him, I was like,
"You should go to therapy,"
and he was like, "Nah,
running. (audience laughs)
Running! That's my therapy.
And I was like, "Oh, that's so interesting,
because sushi, that's my hair cut!"
What the fuck are you talking about?!
(audience laughs and applauds)
We need to treat depression
like the disease that it is!
Right? Yes, yes! (audience cheers)
You know, you wouldn't tell someone with diabetes
to run it off,
'cause you need both feet! (audience laughs)
I'm one to talk.
I'm very self-conscious about you.
You might not be able to see from there,
but I walk with my feet turned out,
like, I kind of walk like a penguin,
and it's because I have flat feet,
but once, an audience member was like,
"Do you walk with your feet turned out
because you used to be a professional ballet dancer?"
And I was like, "Oh,
I wanna look at the world with that kind of optimism."
(audience laughs) You know?
Like, I meet someone with dementia and I'm like,
"Oh, in NFL running back!" (audience laughs)
How many Superbowls did you win, grandma?
(audience laughs)
No, I was never very good at sports,
but I tried them all,
'cause it's like my high school basketball coach
used to tell me,
"You miss a hundred percent of the shots you take."
(audience laughs)
I was much more into theater.
I've been an actor
longer than I've been a stand-up comedian.
I've shared the stage with some people
who have gone on to become huge real estate agents.
(audience laughs and applauds)
My mom told me once, my mom told me,
"You're an actor.
Why don't you act like you're not depressed?"
(audience laughs) So, I said,
"Mom, you're a yoga teacher.
Why don't you go fuck yourself?"
(audience laughs and cheers)
That's not fair to her. My mom is very supportive.
My mom's Jewish.
She grew up in Little Israel,
which is the Hebrew for Long Island,
(audience laughs)
and my mom dated this guy in high school
who's now a big, big talent agent out in Hollywood,
and she always does that mom thing
where she's like, "You should call him up."
And I'm like, "And say what?
(audience laughs)
Just ring this guy up out of the blue?
Be like, "Hello! Hi! Shalom!
(audience laughs)
My mom gave you a couple of hand jobs at Hebrew school,
and it's time to return the favor."
But she kept pushing me, so finally, to my mom's credit,
I did, I called this guy up, and he was incredibly nice.
We met for a very long coffee,
and he said that my mom and I
give very similar hand jobs.
(audience laughs and applauds)
I have a girlfriend right now.
(audience woos) Thank you, thank you.
Neither of us has very good taste in music,
so, whenever we're about to make love,
I put on a random Spotify playlist,
and, a couple of months ago, I put on an R&B playlist,
I was feeling ambitious, (audience laughs)
and R. Kelly came on.
Yes. You've heard the news?
(audience laughs)
and my girlfriend was like,
"Oh no, we cannot listen to R. Kelly.
R. Kelly is a pedophile."
And now, here's the thing,
and there's just hear me out for one second.
Technically speaking,
technically speaking,
R. Kelly is not a pedophile.
Just give me one second. I promise this goes somewhere.
Just here me out.
The term pedophile refers to people
who are attracted to those that are pre-pubescent.
Then, there's something called a hebephile.
That's people were attracted those
in the early stages of puberty, like 11, 12, 13, 14,
and then there's something called an ehebephile
that's people are attracted to those
in the later stages of puberty, like 15, 16, 17, 18,
but I think the reason
we don't make those distinctions
is because it's very hard to explain the difference
without sounding like a pedophile.
(audience laughs and applauds)
That is my time. Thank you very much.