Ever wonder what it’d be like to play baseball on a different planet?
Because this is basically baseball on a different planet.
What with the crazy gravity…and the crazy names.
I mean, you wouldn’t expect Scabies to have that kind of raw power, but that’s the thing.
Scabies may not be human.
And this may not be Earth.
It’s Ken Griffey, Jr…or is it?…Presents Major League Baseball, for the Super NES.
Could be a hybrid, Scully.
So hey, speaking of the nineties, Ken Griffey Jr. was probably the best baseball player
in the nineties.
And he was so cool.
Every kid in the nineties wanted to be like Griffey.
Dude was so cool.
His swing was so pretty, I thought it was just beautiful…as a friend.
Anyway, corporate America made sure to give us kids lots of Griffey crap to buy, too.
Shoes, video games…
Actually, that’s all I can remember.
Shoes and video games.
Looking back, that’s pretty reasonable.
But I’ll tell you what, though.
If you’re expecting reasonable from this game…boy, are you barking up the wrong…alien
pod.
I’m telling you, this game’s ridiculous.
Everything happens, like…six times faster than it would on Earth.
And it starts with the pitchers.
I mean, here on Earth, baseballs can’t move like that.
On Kepler 186-F, maybe.
Not on Earth.
And I mean, I like arcade baseball games, so I’d be fine with that.
But these extraterrestrial pitchers throw so fast, I actually had to swing before they
even let go of the ball…which is, like, this close to time-travel baseball.
Like, I’m swinging at a pitch that doesn’t even exist yet.
So what all that means is that scoring runs in is f*cking impossible.
Because hitting is impossible.
And when you do hit the ball…holy crap, the other team uses their alien DNA to screw
you in all kinds of creative ways.
They can jump nine feet in the air to make catches, that’s awesome.
Boy, this is fun.
And I love how my runners don’t know when to run.
That makes scoring real easy…
Guess they don’t know how to tag up, the Keplarians.
Actually, the AI in this game is awful on both teams.
Your guys just run on pop flies, which is great…and the computer’s even worse.
They’ll hit these lasers into the gap, or into one of the outfield corners…and they
stop at one base.
Like, all the time.
And it’s not just the batter, it’s also the runners.
Gap shot to the wall?
Eh, let’s stop at second, why not?
I mean, either they’re still learning how the rules of baseball, or they’re playing
on a whole different level.
Like, they’re so confident, they’re trying to f*ck with me, instead of scoring.
And I got news for you.
They’re doing one hell of a job.
Then again, maybe they’re not running because they don’t want to test the gravity, on
this strange land.
Like, look at this.
I drive the ball into the corner, so obviously, I send my runner home.
Like, before the right fielder even picks up the ball.
But then…dude unloads this goddamn laser beam…and he throws me out.
And it wasn’t even that close.
How are you supposed to score here?
Is this whole game just a ruse?
A tiny, plastic ruse?
From outer space?
Plan 9, this is Plan Griffey.
Actually, it would make sense if these were aliens, ‘cause they all have made-up names.
Remember Scabies?
Well, check this out.
The New York Mets have apparently signed both Sid Vicious and Johnny Rotten to Major League
contracts.
Reports indicate they’ve been a big help to the offense, too.
At least, that’s what their first baseman said.
You know, Billy Idol.
You guys think I’m making this up.
I don’t make up anything I ever say.
Look, I’ll say this…this game at least looks good.
Like, the presentation, the sound, that’s perfectly fine.
In fact, I really like the player sprites, especially when they’re at bat.
They’re, like…comically jacked, these guys.
Kind of like real baseball players in the nineties.
And the mechanics are fine, too.
But none of that really matters, because unless you can manually slow down time with your
mind…you’re not gonna score any runs.
And that’s the worst…not scoring is the worst.
As a case study in extraterrestrial physics?
This is pretty groundbreaking stuff.
But as a playable game of baseball?
I don’t know, man.
Those eyes are hiding something.
It’s…that…Presents Major League Baseball.
Thank God for automatic fielding, huh?
And thanks to Kris from Jersey City, New Jersey, as well…for sending it to the show.
If that is his real name.