-Our next guest is a comedian, actor, and author.
You know him from his work on "Saturday Night Live,"
"Trainwreck", as well as his shows
"Unconstitutional" and "Red State Blue State."
His latest show, "Colin Quinn: The Last Best Hope,"
opens at the Lucille Lortel Theatre
here in New York on November 2nd.
Please welcome back to the show one of our favorites,
Colin Quinn.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
Welcome back!
-No water? What is it? COVID regulations?
-Yeah. Well, we have this one for you.
-Oh, thanks. -Yeah.
-Embarrassing.
I thought I scored an exposé.
-You --
-Before you start, let's just say,
nobody likes that you haven't gained weight during COVID.
It's rude to your guests, and I don't like it.
And I'm going on record. But go on.
-Well, you take COVID regulations very seriously.
You are a man who caught COVID twice.
And I'm glad to see you're doing well.
-Yes. Twice, I had COVID and got the vaccine.
And, yeah, that's how you know it's not as bad as the plague,
because, you know, in the Middle Ages,
nobody was like, "Hey, I got the plague twice.
I got it again. Symptoms were mild."
You know.
-Nobody -- When you got it, was it still coronavirus?
'Cause I feel like we stopped using that term.
-Yeah, nobody says coronavirus. It's only COVID now.
Because, probably, the lobbyists from Corona beer were like,
"Hey, what are you doing to us?"
And then -- like, "Okay, we'll call it Delta."
They're like, "Fine."
Then Delta is like, "What? No, no."
And then COVID is like just one angry Romanian guy.
He's like, "My family name."
They're like, "I'm sorry, sir,
but that's how it has to be."
-Do you feel -- How do you feel like New York is handling it
as often a spokesman for the finer points of the city?
-Yes. Thank you.
I do consider myself a spokesman for the city.
And I feel like I have to keep doing that
when people forget that I'm a spokesman for the city.
And New York is obviously finished.
What happened was, COVID -- Because when it flooded --
When the subway flooded --
When you saw freshwater come into the subway,
it's not -- You know, urine, anything would be fine,
but freshwater is unnatural.
And I realized it's because when Bloomberg first started
that no-smoking law in 2003, that changed the --
We have a very delicate ecosystem.
And, you know, no floods could get in before that,
because this is the smoking section of the country.
-Right. -People move here to smoke.
And no floods.
There was no COVID. There was no disease.
No airborne illnesses because they couldn't get through.
Even the sun barely got through.
And...
-Well, because -- So the smoke was providing
sort of like a defense layer.
-Yes.
-Okay.
-And Times Square was the rainforest.
And it was like a combination of spit --
a delicate balance between spit, body fluids, blood.
And those bike lanes created, like, a wind tunnel
that allowed all the stuff in.
Those really were the downfall, as you've seen, yeah.
-One thing that people have said --
You know, and I think everybody always has to preface it like,
"COVID was terrible.
Obviously, it was horrifying.
One thing like about it is outdoor dining in the city,
and I hope it stays."
-Oh, of course, because it's so --
People go, "Your table's ready.
It's that shed in the gutter. Want to step right over there?"
You know...
Like, the waiter is sanding down your table.
There's a Con Ed worker on a jackhammer
2 inches from your face.
You're having an anniversary dinner.
You're like, "You know, when we first met --"
He's like, "Lift your feet for a second."
You're like, "What the..."
Like, "Sparkling water or fire hydrant, sir?
What will it be?"
Plus, nothing's better than when you try to get up
and you forget the bike lane
and you almost get, like, taken out by a delivery guy.
But you can't say anything. He's delivery, our heroes.
Delivery. Apparently, been -- [ Cheers and applause ]
Alright, folks. It's enough. We get it.
We're all -- Medical people and delivery.
The rest of us are nonessential.
Like, that's a rude way of phrasing it.
Can't they just say,
"People that were important at a particular time"?
And it's -- Yeah, it's delivery and people --
You know, either you go to medical school three years
or you get an electric bike, you have equal status.
I'm sure the medical people loved that one, you know?
They're like, "I studied oncology at Stanford."
It's like, "Hold on. My pizza's here.
Wait a second.
Oh, a first responder. Thank you for your service."
You know?
But it is -- It's weird, because that's who's --
They've been -- Medical people and restaurant people
are interchangeable now.
They've deputized -- The only person that's taken
my temperature past year and a half
is every hostess at a restaurant.
-Yep.
-Like, the waitress is checking your vitals,
and the busboy will be back with
your blood work in a few minutes.
That's how I found out I had COVID.
I know you're going to think I'm making it up.
I get the phone call -- "You have COVID."
I go, "Who is this?" "Applebee's."
-No.
-I said, "What should I do?"
They go, "We don't discuss it over the phone.
Come down.
We'll talk about it over a bottomless margarita for $8.99."
It sounds made up.
It sounds like a bit.
-It sounds like a bit.
So, you know, some things are going back to normal,
and, yet, within this pandemic, there have been some people
who have sort of, like, gone to the heights
and then all the way lower than they started.
Governor Cuomo. -Oh, yeah.
Ellen and Governor Cuomo have had a tough COVID.
Yeah. Because Cuomo -- Remember, everybody's like, "Oh, my God.
Where he's been all my life, this guy?
He should be President of the United --
The Man Who Would be King."
And now he's in a U-Haul on 17th,
going, "That escalated quickly."
He's driving in circles around Ulster -- Duchess County.
I said Ulster, but then I went with Duchess.
It's funnier. I don't know why.
Last-minute decision.
But, yeah, because he got --
Remember, he's yelling at us every day?
He got cocky.
He's like, "Hey, 6 feet distance.
Don't touch anyone's face."
All the stuff he couldn't do with his staff, ironically.
But of course, we all overcorrect everything.
Now what is it?
Mario Cuomo Bridge -- They want to rename Tappan Zee --
Mario Cuomo Bridge -- they want to change it back
because to punish Andrew Cuomo, take his father's bridge,
which is uncalled for.
And it's not going to change anything.
He's still going to be Andrew Cuomo.
-Right. -It doesn't even make sense.
They should leave the name Mario Cuomo Bridge
and make him change his name to, you know, Andrew Tappan Zee.
-There you go. -You know.
-And then Mario Cuomo doesn't get punished.
-That's right.
-"Last Best Hope" is the title of your show.
You have not been -- I think it's safe to say
you haven't been -- You've been very clear-eyed
about this country, but maybe not particularly optimistic.
Why did you come up with the title "Last Best Hope"?
-Well, because that's what Abraham Lincoln said
right before the Civil War.
And he said, "We're the last best hope."
I forget exactly how he phrased it,
but -- which I should know since it's the title of the show.
You know?
But, yeah, I feel like, look, this country's --
I think everyone's shocked that we're not in a civil war
right now, never mind --
And you know, civil war is the worst kind of war
to have because you have to see each other afterwards.
-Yeah. -So it's pretty awkward.
You're like, "Oh, my God. Is that Missouri?
Didn't we bomb..."
But, yeah, I do feel like this -- I love this country,
but I think we should sell, because, you know,
now is the time to just -- HGTV is very popular.
The Founding Fathers and "Property Brothers."
We knock down the Rockies, open concept.
You know how these shows go.
Got the double sinks, the Atlantic and Pacific.
Yeah, I went through the whole thing with the bit.
And... [ Laughter ]
Nice backsplash, the Grand Canyon.
You know, here's the thing about a bit.
I finish them.
They're not always hilarious, but I finish them.
-You don't bail on it. You finish the bit.
-No, I bail.
Flip the Louisiana Purchase.
And change our motto.
"America -- love it or list it."
Now it's done. -Perfect.
-Now I'm done. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, folks.
-Colin Quinn, it is always a pleasure to see you, sir.
Thank you for making the time for us.
-Thank you.
-"Colin Quinn: The Last Best Hope"
opens at the Lucille Lortel Theatre tomorrow.
For more information, go to colinquinn.com.