you just released an album i'm a big fan
of your work
uh i i love i love your
i've listened actually to many of your
hilarious monologues
uh i've listened to them i've downloaded
them and listened to them
you've got a new uh album out it's
called four more sweaters
monsters take your questions yes
tell me what is the premise of this
comedy album
well i took uh four of the characters
that i do
and i did them on stage at the ucb
theater and they each have like a six or
seven minute monologue and then i turn
on the house lights and throw open the
floor to questions
as the character as the character you
improvise
the answers now exactly which characters
you doing on the album
are you doing a chip gardener chip
gardener is one yes chip gardner is like
a
he's an old uh game show host from the
80s or so whose uh
face has been terribly disfigured in a
botched suicide attempt
and he's uh he's running for
he's running for honorary mayor of
hollywood uh
a position which has been left vacant
for nine years already and he's uh
he's also an avowed satanist and so one
of his promises
uh if you vote for him is to bring
satan's kingdom to earth he
truly believes that satan will rise from
a lake of fire and rain chaos and
destruction upon the world and i'll be
ruling at his side when that happens
he says it all with this nice sort of uh
announcer's voice
and he wants to be the mayor of
hollywood yes the honorary mayor of
hollywood very much a very position
appointed by the chamber of commerce
just write them a letter and let them
know chip gardner is your man for
honorary mayor of hollywood does chip
gardner have any real talent
you're hearing it right here he's got
pretty good enunciation
and uh that's about that's about it for
talents
uh so he's one of the characters another
character of yours is uh
don demello tell us about don demelo oh
well don demelo is a theatrical director
he is the director of the radio city
music hall
christmas spectacular and he spends a
lot of time uh working on the rockets
that's the part of the show that don
gets very intimately involved with
the rockets if you become if you get
them hooked on the heroine they'll do
anything you tell them to do
you make sure they're all the exact same
heights with the same smile
and they're kicking the legs up in the
perfect time
so he's an old creep who likes to work
intimately with the
rock cats yes that part of the show is
just for daddy
where did that character come from i saw
the
show that radio city you know it's all
for kids it's got santa claus it's fully
a children's show and then all of a
sudden in the middle of it out comes
this
throwback to the ziegfeld follies leggy
can can dancers and it just seems
like an odd combo right i just thought
yeah that's
i think that's in there for daddy
and there's gotta be a guy behind the
scenes going faster
higher more smiles
and the raw cats are saying why are we
in this this is for like
four and five-year-olds he'll do it
you're told
yeah got it no more candy
one of your very popular characters uh
that you've featured on our show several
times
is dalton wilcox who's a cowboy he's a
cowboy
but there's a twist as there always is
with your characters i'll put on my uh
my cowboy hat to be dalton wilcox and i
also feel like this character needs a
mustache
oh dear but i don't have uh i don't have
glue for it so if you don't mind i'm all
just gonna hold this mustache in place
we're all doing what we can during
covid's difficult time
but you know a lot of cowboys will do
this a lot of cowboys will just hold
no cowboys walk around holding their
mustache no you're wrong about that coat
a lot of cowboys have to hold their
mustaches in place out there on the
planes where the winds are whipping up
it's hard to keep a mustache down conan
that's a fact
are you saying uh mr wilcox that sam
elliott the famous
with his famous mustache has to be
holding it on all the time absolutely
they say three two one take and he
puts his fingers away but they can't cut
his fingers back up there he's got to
hold that mustache on it won't stay
there but for a few minutes
yep well i am uh dalton wilcox i am the
poet laureate of the west
and uh in addition he's like i'm a
cowboy
poet you understand a real cowboy i
understand yeah the real american west
not the west you're living in
out there in california i'm talking
about the real west
the real west all right the real
american west and uh
in addition to being our nation's
foremost collector and chronicler of the
wit
wisdom of the west i am also very
unfortunately plagued by vampires
okay this is the part i wanted to get to
dalton wilcox
a very great a poet of the high plains
a wonderful cowboy character but he's
obsessed with vampires and he thinks
that vampires are after him all the time
well i'd say they're obsessed with me
conan i can't go anywhere but the
vampire doesn't come up and try and kill
me i'll give you an example
uh just just the other day i parked my
truck at a parking meter
and i put a couple of nickels in there
and went about my business
and then when i came back some fella was
putting the ticket on my windshield
right that happens i marched right up to
that son of a gun and i says hey
are you a damn vampire and he basically
said that he was
i knew it i knew the second i saw him
did he say he was a vampire
well he said uh vampire what are you
talking about and that's what they all
say conan
chapter and verse that's what a that's
what a vampire always says when you ask
him point blank confuse a vampire he
says
oh no that's what a traffic cop says
who's giving tickets and was writing a
ticket if you ask him are you
a vampire he says no i'm not a vampire
i've never run into a traffic cop conan
i've just run into lots of vampires out
there
tickets on my windshield anyway i
stuck him in the heart with a stake of
wood cola okay no
but he did have time to write the ticket
do i have to pay that ticket do you know
if i have to pay the ticket if i killed
the man who wrote it
uh yes you do you have to still pay the
ticket that's that
that ain't right yeah okay let's move on
i have a question for andy uh daily if
you're still around
you go in there andy i'm here andy
um i'm just curious
when you look at this kid you have no
idea that all that sickness is inside
him
oh did you know that he looks such like
such a sweet kid
and ty aside there's no sign of evil or
problem
i don't know i i was going for bono
joshua tree at the time and to this day
i still don't know how i went wrong