(happy 8-bit video game music)
(Pokedex beeps)
- [Pokedex] Doduo.
Doduo's two heads never sleep at the same time.
Its two heads take turns sleeping,
so one head can always keep watch for enemies
while the other one sleeps.
- Okay, I'm gonna get some shut eye.
- Nighty night, head brother.
Love you, man.
- A special variant double-headed Pidgey. (gasps)
Get him, Charizard!
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, dude, I just said the craziest dream that-
What the hell?
What the hell happened?
- Dude, chill, okay?
We got enslaved by an 11 year old with a yoke dragon.
And now we live in this ball.
- I go to sleep for like one hour,
you let us get enslaved?
That is not chill, bro.
(Pokedex pings)
- [Pokedex] Dodrio.
Uses its three brains to execute complex plans.
While two heads sleep, one head stays awake.
- This is it, bros.
The perfect plan.
The ultimate escape from a pokeball.
No one else has come up with something so clever.
- Until the combined minds of Dodrio.
- All right, who's joining me in a nap?
'Cause it's time for this brain to go to nappy town.
- This Dodrio is gonna "dodreamo".
Am I right?
Oh, man.
I just had the craziest dream.
I was like...
Shit, not again.
- Dudedrio, chill, okay?
The 11 year old who enslaved us has banished us
to a virtual limbo from which there is no escape.
On the plus side, because we are frozen in time
there is no longer a need to sleep
so we won't be caught unawares ever again.
Huh, well, I guess
(yawns)
taking a little teensy-weensy nap wouldn't kill me.
(encroaching horror music)
(Super Mario coin ding)
(happy 8-bit video game music)
(Pokedex beeps)
- [Pokedex] Mudkip.
Its power can crush boulders.
It rests by covering itself with mud
at the bottom of a river.
- A Mudkip? (laughs)
I like Mudkips.
They get crushed easily.
What the hell?
- I heard you liked Mudkips.
As for me, I (deep voice) have a big crush on boulders.
(Pokedex beeps)
- [Pokedex] Marshtomp.
Living on muddy ground that provides poor footing
has made its legs sturdy.
- Buddy, I think there's something real wrong
with your Marshtomp.
- What do you mean?
(chuckles) Oh, right, right.
Living on muddy ground that provides poor footing
has made his legs sturdy.
- Yeah, that is an insufficient explanation.
(Pokedex beeps)
- [Pokedex] Swampert.
Swampert is very strong.
It has enough power to easily drag a boulder
weighing more than a ton.
This Pokemon also has powerful vision that lets it see
even in murky water.
- Yay, that's right!
Swampert is "swolepert".
I can drag a boulder.
- Dragging boulders?
Have you forgotten where you come from?
(deep voice) Let me remind you.
- Sick, dude.
Wanna go for a run?
- Not really.
Your whole deal is very... (deep voice) upsetting.
(Super Mario coin ding)
(happy 8-bit video game music)
(Pokedex beeps)
- [Pokedex] Chikorita.
A sweet aroma gently wafts from the leaf on its head.
It is docile and loves to soak up the sun's rays.
(happy relaxing melody)
- What... is... that...
Sweet aroma wafting through the air?
It smells so lovely.
George!
George is my better half.
George, I want to get some candles for the condo
that smell just like this.
- Huh, nothing bad is happening this time.
(Pokedex beeps)
- [Pokedex] Bayleef.
The buds that ring its neck give off a spicy aroma
that perks people up.
- Wow, I am feeling so jazz and just like ready for the day.
(laughs) Do you know what I mean?
I'm just like... so, have much energy.
I just like have so much energy that I'm ready to go!
Do you know what I mean?
- (laughs) Rad, everything is going super pleasantly.
(Pokedex beeps)
- [Pokedex] Meganium.
Its breath has the fantastic ability to
revive dead plants and flowers.
- Everything is so frigging wholesome,
and my breath can revive dead plants and flowers?
I mean, that's gotta be like the most wholesome
thing of all.
(8-bit scary music)
- Wrong, we are wrong!
- Kill me.
- I was in heaven.
Why am I returned to Hell?
- Oh dear Arceus, why?
- Every moment is pain!
- We are abominations!
- What gives you the right to play God?
- Who's- who's just reviving dead plants and flowers?
(gunshots)
- George, this is exactly what I don't want for the condo.
(Super Mario coin ding)
(happy 8-bit video game music)
(Pokedex beeps)
- [Pokedex] Vaporeon.
Its cell composition is similar to water molecules.
As a result, it can melt away into water.
- Come on, Vaporeon, let's use surf!
Whoo hoo!
I love this fantastical world of-
Oh my God, Vaporeon!
Where are you?
- Can you not see?
I am all around you.
I am one with the sea now,
endless and beyond the mortal coil.
Goodbye.
- I knew I should
have done Sylveon. (bubbles gurgle)
(Pokedex beeps)
- [Pokedex] Jolteon.
Its weapons are its 10,000-volt electric attacks
and its spiky fur.
Its sharp hair can pierce enemies when it bristles.
(8-bit Pokemon battle music)
(8-bit dungeon music)
- Welcome to Double Hell.
The hell for things that are already dead.
- Oh, no, I don't deserve this.
- You... you kidnapped a lot of kids.
Lot of kids, lot of kids.
Really, really fucked up.
(Pokedex beeps)
- [Pokedex] Flareon.
It has a flame chamber inside its body.
It inhales, then blows out fire that is over 3000 degrees.
(fire station alarm sounding)
- Hurry, fire caused by a Pokemon!
- I know, the magma slug, let's go!
- Uh, no. (alarm silences)
I'm talkin about one caused by a fire dog.
- Are you guys talkin about the fire started
by the Arcanine on 5th?
Or the one started by the Ninetails on Main?
...Or is it the one on 8th by the tail fox?
Hey, there's a lot of fire dogs
starting fires out there.
- It was actually caused by a Flareon.
But did you say magma slug before?
That's a thing?
Like a slug made outta magma?
- Oh yeah, I have one of those.
Oh right, Slugmas are very hot.
'Cause they don't have blood in their body,
they have magma and uh..
Yeah, they cause fires, so.
Maybe I should get like a Blastoise or something,
that would make more sense for a firefighter.
Anyone interested in seeing a Magcargo?
(Super Mario coin ding)
(happy 8-bit video game music)
(Pokedex beeps)
- [Pokedex] Torchic.
A fire burns inside, so it feels very warm to hug.
It launches fireballs of 1,800 degrees.
- Here at KFC- that's Kanto Fire-type Chicken,
we only serve the spicest chicken sandwich there is.
Introducing the Torchic sandwich.
(chomps)
- Mmm, this is spicy.
Too, too spicy.
Oh God, it's 1800 degrees Fahrenheit in my tummy!
- What the hell else are we supposed to eat, son?
You think regular chickens still exist
in the dang Pokemon world?
They're gone, extinct!
Replaced by their evolutionary superiors.
Get used to it!
(Pokedex beeps)
- [Pokedex] Combusken.
Its kicking mastery lets it loose 10 kicks per second.
It emits sharp cries to intimidate foes.
- It's me your old pal, Colonel Sandshrews.
If you thought our spicy Torchic-en Sand Attack-wich
was spicy, you ain't seen nothing yet.
- (groans) Don't make me go back in there.
Combusken kicks 10 times per second.
The rest of the kitchen staff is already dead.
(smacks) - We live in Hell, boy!
We're at the God dang bottom of the food chain now.
I see flowers what shoot laser beams
and dragons made of a sticky goolike substance
I do not wish to identify.
Fire chickens shouldn't have surprised us, but by golly
did my wife and children look shocked
when that Blaziken done murdered them.
(people screaming)
(Pokedex beeps)
- [Pokedex] Blaziken.
Flames spout from its wrists, enveloping its knuckles.
Its punches scorch its foes.
- Arceus, Colonel.
That is dark.
Is... is that why you do this?
To kill the Torchics and Combuskens
before they turn into Blazikens?
Some sort of strange revenge?
- Heck no, son!
I do it 'cause my new fried chicken recipe is delicious.
So get back in that there kitchen and batter up
them Combusken legs.
(man screaming) Kanto Fire-tyle Chicken:
If the food don't kill ya or someone ya love
then we ain't doin it right.
- [Announcer] Torchic-en Sand Attack-wich
only sold at participating Kanto Fire-type Chicken locations
in fictional video game and anime worlds.
Any injuries sustained whilst consuming
Kanto Fire-type Chicken products is the fault
of its customers and their families shall be
held liable for all damages to the premises
and emotional distress calls therein.
Miltank Frank-Furters available only for a limited time.
(Super Mario coin ding)
(happy 8-bit video game music)
(Pokedex beeps)
- [Pokedex] Ho-oh.
It will reveal itself before a pure-hearted trainer
by shining its bright rainbow-colored wings.
- Behold me, for I am Ho-oh!
A legendary guardian of the sky
who only appears to the pure-hearted.
- Fry him, slave rat!
Huh? What'd you say?
I was busy yelling at my slave rat who I make fight
for profit and my own personal glory.
- This can't be right.
One sec, let me check my Humandex.
(Humandex beeps)
- [Humandex] Timmy Jenkins.
Timmy is a cruel, sadistic sociopathic trainer
who enslaves Pokemon and forces them to fight--
like all trainers.
But he doesn't get weirdly mad at people who comment
"First" on YouTube videos, making him the closest thing
to a pure-hearted trainer there is.
- What a sad indictment of Pokemon trainers.
But perhaps with my guidance this child and I
can forge a new path,
create a kinder, more gentle-
- Get in the ball, bird!
Huh? Why didn't that work?
Oh, shoot, must already be a Pokemon in this one.
- Pidgey, Pidgey!
I'm free!
(gunshot)
- Now... get... in the ball... bird.
- Okay, okay, man.
Be chill.
I am going.
(Pokedex beeps)
- [Pokedex] Lugia.
It sleeps in a deep-sea trench.
If it flaps its wings it is said to cause a 40-day storm.
(waves splashing)
- Oh man, I slept in again.
I'm going to be late to Kyle's soccer game.
(hesitant) Maybe if I just fly a little bit.
Ah, sorry guys.
Running late to Kyle's game!
- [Man 1] Lugia, you goddamn asshole.
- [Man 2] Lugia, you legendary fuck.
- [Man 3] You flap your wings again, motherfucker?
Again?
- [Man 4] We got 40 goddamn days of this, come on!
- [Man 2] 40 days, like in the Bible.
John over here is calling me know-all of a sudden
because I'm the only one with a fuckin boat.
And I don't like it.
- [Man 4] My daughter's outdoor wedding is planned
for Tuesday, what are you doing?
You piece of shit bird!
- [Man 1] Guess we can kiss that deposit goodbye.
- [Man 4] Kyle sucks at soccer anyways, what do you even
give a shit for?
- [Man 1] Yeah, the kid can't kick a ball for shit!
(Ho-oh grunting)
- That's right, birdbrain.
We're gonna burn the shit outta everything.
It will be so... pure.
(Super Mario coin ding)
(8-bit video game music)