How would you feel if you thought your sibling was your parent’s favorite child?
Or if you suspected your partner had fallen in love with somebody else?
Almost everyone has experienced a time when they felt jealous.
Feeling a little jealousy may be harmless, but it can also be a powerful emotion that
can take complete control over its subjects.
In this episode of the Field Guide to Bad Behaviour, we take a closer look into the
psychology of jealousy to learn how to tame this green-eyed monster.
Jealousy is a deeply upsetting feeling that often arises in response to threats to a valued
relationship.
It is a constellation of emotions—ranging from fear of loss and anxiety to anger, sadness
and humiliation.
Jealousy is commonly seen among siblings, who compete for their parents’ attention,
as well as in friendships and romantic relationships.
Psychologists agree that jealousy is a universal emotion and is even found in species other
than humans as well.
But the origins of jealousy in human relationships are not easy to pin down – Evolutionary
psychologists have suggested that jealousy evolved to protect our social bonds.
So it’s important to realize that jealousy itself is a normal reaction and not something
we should feel ashamed about.
It’is a wake-up call when there’s a danger, forcing us to take steps to preserve a valued
relationship.
But jealousy also arises in imagined scenarios and serves no real purpose.
That’s where problems tend to start.
Jealousy throws us into several cognitive mistakes: One is mind–reading, that’s
when you think “she is interested in him,” without really having evidence for it.
Another is personalizing, which is when you interpret everything in relation to yourself--for
example, you think your partner is watching TV because they are no longer interested in
you.
And then there’s is fortune–telling.
That’s when you predict the future actions of your partner and for example, imagine them
leaving you.
You might have noticed some people are more jealous than others.
Researchers are beginning to figure out why:
People’s differences in jealousy may be partly genetic.
In a 2013 study, researchers asked 3,000 pairs of Swedish twins about how jealous they felt
if they found their partner had cheated on them.
By comparing answers of fraternal twins, who share about half of their genes, and identical
twins, who have the same genes, researchers found that about a third of the differences
in levels of jealousy seems to be determined by our genes.
The rest, could be a result of the environment and culture where people are raised.
It’s also possible that some personality factors, like having low self-esteem or having
an insecure attachment style may make people more prone to jealousy.
But, you may be the most confident and secure person in the world and still feel jealous.
So, how can we learn to tame this feeling?
First, try to dial down the immediate stress caused by jealousy.
Write down your feelings.
Pay attention to how jealousy makes you feel: do you feel a tightening in your chest?
Focus on where in your body you feel different.
This can help you calm down and become able to think clearly.
Identify your cognitive pitfalls.
Stay away from mind-reading, personalising or fortune-telling
Consider the counter-evidence.
Think of the good times you’ve had with your partner and the plans you have for the
future together.
This practice can put you in a positive emotional state and reduce your focus on only the bad
parts of a relationship.
Identify the roots of your fears.
Figuring out what fuels your jealousy will help you better deal with it.
It’s okay to feel jealous sometimes, but there’s a difference between controlling
it and letting it control you.
Remember that emotions pass, so with awareness and practice you’ll be able to let go of
any that are no longer serving you, sooner.