- So today we're gonna talk about cheating,
and specifically 11 signs that you can clue into
that can help you determine whether or not
your partner is messing around on the side.
'Cause this isn't the partner that's gonna come up
and be upfront about it, and be honest about it,
and come and have that healthy conversation.
It's like, "Look, I don't wanna be
in this relationship anymore."
This is the partner that's betraying you.
And the challenge is that so many people
will miss these signs.
Why?
Well, because there's a principle in life known as this,
desire affects perception.
That when you have a desire that your relationship work out,
when you have a desire that the two of you
are honest with each other,
the two of you are upfront with each other,
that everything's going well
even when there are these signs that come up,
what ends up happening is our brain filters
all of those signs out and we become blind
to those signs causing us to miss them.
There's a part of our brain
called the reticular activating system,
and its job is to help you see everything
that's aligned with what you believe
and miss everything that is not aligned
with what you believe.
And it is so powerful.
In fact, just this week my wife was like,
"Hey, can you go to the back fridge and get the onions?"
And I had just looked, I had just been in the back fridge.
And so there's a part of my mind that was like,
"No, the onions are not in the back fridge."
And so I opened the back fridge and I'm looking.
And I know I have a habit of this, so I'm looking good.
Like I'm moving stuff around and I'm looking in.
There are no onions in the back fridge,
and I knew there were no onions in the back fridge.
So I came up to my wife in the kitchen, I'm like,
"Hey, there are no onions in the back fridge."
She was like, (sighs).
She walks to the back, she walks in the back,
she opens up the fridge, moves the thing,
and pulls the drawer, moves that,
there are the big bag of onions.
And I'm like, "No".
And so I knew because I believed
there wasn't anything going on in the fridge
known as onions, I believed it, I couldn't see it.
So the first step is just to become aware
there might be signs that you aren't aware of.
And so this video is all about just to help make you aware
of if some of these signs are going on,
have an open, honest conversation.
It doesn't necessarily guarantee he's having an affair
or cheating on you, but it is an indication
that there might be something going on
and you wanna pay attention to it.
So let's talk about number one.
Number one is he starts getting in shape out of the blue.
So for as long as you've known him,
he hasn't really wanted to go to the gym
or he's gotten outta shape for years
and all of a sudden he's getting in shape,
but you can't tie it to anything specific.
It wasn't like the two of you went to a seminar,
and you got motivated, and you set some health goals.
No, it's just out of the blue he starts going to the gym.
And he's real interested in how in shape he is
and he's real interested in grooming himself
in ways that he hasn't groomed himself before.
So there's this sudden change.
You wanna pay attention to that.
This leads me into number two.
Another sudden shift is a sudden shift in his work routine.
So all of a sudden he's now traveling
to go out of town for work,
but it doesn't really match up
with what you've known about his work before,
like it's brand new.
Or all of a sudden he is got these long projects
and he is gotta work late nights.
And there's just something fishy about this.
And your intuition is zinging
about this sudden change in work.
Again, the commonalities here are a sudden change
and he's not really including you
in the story for why and it seems off.
And this leads me to number three,
which is that his friends are uncomfortable around you.
And this is also a change
because previously you're cool with his friends,
and you guys hang out all together as a group,
and you're joking, you're laughing,
and now when you're getting together, they're acting weird.
Like there's just something that's off that you're noticing.
They're a little bit more tense,
they're a little bit more stiff.
And again, your intuition's like,
"What's going on with them?"
and your partner or your boyfriend's like,
"Ah, don't worry about them.
They're just going through a tough time,"
or, "That guy's just having a tough day," or whatever it is.
But if you notice the friends are off,
usually his friends will know before you will know.
He'll confide in his friends
and kind of tell his friends what's going on.
So if you notice a major shift
in the friends' attitude around you and that stiffness,
that could be a major red flag.
Number four is you'll notice a change
in your boyfriend's behavior or your partner's behavior.
Well, he will get suspicious of you.
Like the irony of someone who's cheating
is that they will often raise jealousy in themself.
Like, you're gonna go on a work trip
and he's gets jealous of you
or accuses you of cheating when you come back.
And you're like, "What are you talking about?"
Because the person who cheats can't imagine
that they could do something
that someone else isn't willing to do to them.
So now they're imagining that you're also cheating
and you're bringing that same energy back.
So if he's like out of the blue getting jealous of you
or outta the blue accuses you of cheating
and that wasn't something
that was in his nature in the past,
that's also a major red flag.
Now remember, not any one of these
is a guaranteed slam dunk that he's cheating,
but what you wanna do is keep these in your awareness
because if they resonate with your intuition
that just something is off,
then that's an indicator that's really time
to have an open, honest, candid conversation with him.
Because number five is his spending is inconsistent.
Like it's just strange.
Maybe the two of you have a partnership.
Maybe the two of you are married
and you're able to see bank accounts,
and like he's going out to these dinners
and he's spending a bunch here,
he is spending a bunch there,
and there's these new bills that are coming in
unlike what he spent before.
And you're like, "Where are these coming from?"
Especially if he gets defensive and he gets angry at you
or he tries to guilt you, or shame you,
or like, "You're too controlling," that kind of stuff.
If you have a partnership, you're living together,
you share finances,
which would be the way that you would know
that his spending has changed,
if there is a shift in spending,
the person who's fully authentic, fully grounded,
fully aligned with the relationship's
gonna be able to explain that
without defensiveness or without anger.
"Hey, I noticed this extra, you know,
$550 bill at the Holiday Inn.
Like tell me, did you go and stay there?"
And he'd be like, "Oh, yeah," and there's no weird energy
around that if things are aligned.
But if they're not aligned, you're gonna find him defensive,
you're gonna find him angry,
you're gonna find him accusing you of things in that moment,
so pay attention to if there's any crazy spending habits.
Number six is a little strange,
and this is where he might become more attentive,
pouring energy on you, taking you out, really being present.
And what's strange about this
is this is him making up for the guilt that he feels
or trying to make sure that you don't suspect
something else is going on.
And so again, if there's this sudden change
where he's like super attentive and super pouring into you,
and while that's gonna feel great
and while that's gonna be like,
"Wow, this is really the relationship we all want,"
if that is combined with some of these other things
that you're noticing, then that could be a red flag
that you wanna pay attention to.
Number seven is a classic.
And that is his sexual energy for you
will be completely depleted.
Like he won't wanna have sex with you,
he won't wanna hug you, snuggle you, kiss you,
that kind of stuff.
At nighttime, he'll just roll over, go to bed.
Why?
Because he's giving all of his sexual attention and energy
to somebody else and so there's none left over
for the primary relationship.
So if that's happening,
it's absolutely something that you wanna pay attention to.
Number eight is subtle, and you're gonna find it
maybe connected to a few different things.
So number eight is him being spacey and aloof
when he wasn't that before.
And this is him checking out.
This is him kind of disconnecting from the reality
and the life that he's created with you
because he doesn't wanna exist in that life
'cause it's painful.
He doesn't wanna confront ultimately
what he's creating in that life.
And so he's aloof, he's distant, he's not present,
and 'cause he's engaged in this other life.
Now of course, that can come with stress,
that can come with a bunch of other things,
so again, any one of these signs,
you wanna make sure that it's combined
with a bunch of other signs before you take action on it.
And number nine is he's not taking you out anymore.
He's not investing in the relationship anymore.
He's just content with it being status quo.
Maybe you guys had a date night every Friday night
and he's now not interested in that.
And there's all kinds of excuses why.
His work, and he's tired, and there's things with friends,
and all other kind of things,
but he's not investing in the two of you.
He's not trying to grow this relationship.
He's actually content with distance
and allowing it to decline.
And number 10 is he gets defensive with questions.
So he's secretive.
Of course, he'll be secretive with his phone.
He doesn't want you to check in.
He'll be secretive with conversations.
And as you begin to intuit
something's going on and you ask questions,
he gets defensive and he gets angry.
When you notice, you know,
secrecy creates distance in the relationship,
creates separation.
So when you notice that and you're seeking to close the gap
'cause you wanna feel close again,
if he is getting defensive, the guy who's cheating
is gonna wanna try to keep you as far away as possible
because he doesn't want you to discover the truth
about really what's going on.
And number 11 is the most important.
And that is your intuition will tell you something is off.
In over a decade of coaching women,
I've coached a lot of women who have been betrayed,
a lot of women who have had guys cheat on them,
and almost every account I'll ask them,
"Did you see red signs?
Did your intuition tell you something was going on?"
And almost always they will say, "Yes, 100%,"
but they didn't wanna say anything
because they didn't wanna lose
whatever potential good could be created.
They didn't wanna make him mad.
They didn't wanna be the jealous one.
They didn't wanna be perceived
the way he was making it seem that she was in the wrong
for having this intuition.
So let me say to you, if you've got this intuition going on,
be courageous enough and be grounded enough to bring it up.
Because guess what?
A healthy relationship can survive
someone who's got an intuition about something's off.
And often if he's not cheating,
it'll be something else that comes out
and you guys can heal it, and come together,
and be even closer because of it.
But an unhealthy relationship won't be able to survive that.
And so here's the beauty.
By you speaking up and saying something
if this relationship is the right relationship for you,
you'll be able to overcome it.
If it's not the right relationship for you,
you're actually creating the environment
to release it from your life
so that you can move forward and actually find the person
who you're truly meant to be with.
So I hope that these signs serve you.
Pay attention to that intuition,
have that difficult conversation,
and ultimately this will lead you
to creating a beautiful relationship
where the two of you trust each other,
the two of you pour into each other,
the two of you are faithful to one another,
the two of you keep agreements with one another
and it is an extraordinary, amazing relationship.
If you're not into that relationship already,
know it's possible for you.
And just as you're seeking that relationship,
it's seeking you right now.
I appreciate you. Thanks for watching.
I'll see you soon.
(bright upbeat music)