Welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it. Thank you for watching at home.
[ Cheers and applause ] I appreciate it.
Well, guys, everyone's talking about this.
Today, Elon Musk bought Twitter for $44 billion.
Yep, he now owns SpaceX and Twitter.
It's like Musk is thinking, "I've seen the heavens.
Now on to hell."
Twitter's an odd thing to buy.
You know, it's like buying YouTube and saying,
"Forget the videos.
I'm just here for the mean comments."
That's right -- the richest man in the world bought Twitter.
Right now, Bernie Sanders is so mad,
he just turned into the Hulk.
Yeah, Musk has said that he's pro-free speech,
so a lot of people think that he'll let
former president Trump back on the platform.
Yeah, not exactly what we meant
when we asked for a return to pre-pandemic vibes.
But when it heard, the caps-lock key on Trump's phone was like,
"I'm back, baby!"
But listen to this.
Today, Trump told Fox News that he will not return to Twitter
and will instead join his own platform, Truth Social.
Wait. So not even Trump is on Truth Social yet?
That is -- It's his app.
He's not on his own app?
If you're keeping track, Twitter and Truth Social
are like the Four Seasons and Four Seasons Total Landscaping.
That's right -- Trump's not giving up on Truth Social,
but at a rally this weekend, he somehow managed
to mess up the name of his own platform.
Take a look at this.
-Because of this digital tyranny,
we had to give the American people their voice back
by building something called Troth -- Truth Sential.
Truth Social.
[ Laughter, cymbal crash ]
[ As Trump ] Tough Socials.
Trout Chapel.
"Thor: Ragnarok."
Sadly, even Trout Central has more users than Truth Social.
It's interesting.
Let's switch gears.
Over the past couple weeks, there's been
a rise in COVID cases, and The White House
is calling for caution but not overreacting.
Even the CDC was like, "What the hell does that mean?"
You know it's really bad when
Elon Musk tries to buy Clorox Wipes.
Some more news from The White House.
Today, the Tampa Bay Lightning visited President Biden
to celebrate their last two Stanley Cup championships.
Yep. Sure. [ Cheers and applause ]
That's good.
Biden said he's not a big Lightning fan,
but his childhood friend Ben Franklin is.
Yeah, and...
Well, hey, get this.
Chippendales has hired a lobbyist
to help them get federal COVID aid.
Yeah, they'll receive their money,
but they're just going to get it like this.
♪♪
Some more business news.
I read that the owners of JCPenney have offered
to buy Kohl's for $8.6 billion.
Meanwhile, Best Buy is calling up RadioShack like,
"You up?"
And, finally, a hiker in Washington
had to call the fire department to rescue her
after she dropped her phone in an outhouse toilet
and got stuck headfirst trying to get it out.
It's actually hard for her to get in touch
with the fire department because she had such crappy service.
And...
Firefighters were like, "There's no fire,
but you'd better bring the hose."
Guys, I know a lot of people find math boring.
Well, that's why we've updated math
to make equations be about stuff that you can relate to.
It's time for "Popular Mathematics."
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-♪ Popular ♪
♪ Mathematics ♪
-Let's take a look at our first equation here.
If you take a check mark plus a dad bod,
it equals the Nike logo.
See what I'm saying? [ Cheers and applause ]
So, then if you take a streaming service
plus the movie "Gone in 60 Seconds,"
it equals CNN+.
It makes you like math again.
Here's another one.
Mexican culture plus Italian culture
plus a middle finger
equals Taco Bell's Mexican pizza.
I'm still going to try it.
I'm still going to try it and I'll probably like it.
If you take an old-school camera
plus shooting the whole roll of film
plus forgetting to take off the lens cap,
it equals Kodak Black.
You understand?
And, finally, if you take positive vibes
plus positive COVID test, it equals Coachella.
There you go.
That's all the time we have for "Popular Mathematics."
We have a great show.