As a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women, I hear a lot of frustration from my Love
U clients about the state of dating. Dating apps suck. Your area sucks. Men’s emails and
texts suck. Guys are terrible dates - they don’t ask any questions, they don’t pick up the check,
they’re only trying to get laid. Got it. We can all agree that most men need a dating coach, too.
The real question is this: When you finally meet a guy you like, what do YOU do wrong on a first
date? That’s what you can control. That’s what I’m going to help you with in this Love U Podcast.
I'm Evan Marc Katz, dating coach for smart, strong, successful women and your personal
trainer for love. Welcome to the Love U podcast. Keep listening to discover what
not to do on a first date. When we're done, I'll let you know how you could apply to love
you to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard and understood.
As I've said just a second ago, it's really easy to point out what men do
wrong that you don't like on first dates. And I can validate all of your complaints
about men. I am a professional complaint listener. Hours and hours every day for
two decades I have been listening to women complaining about men.
I completely understand why you're frustrated. When I give advice to women, it's not to imply
that men are perfect. It's because you're the ones who are asking me for advice.
Have you ever stopped to evaluate your own first date performance? Most people haven't. And that's
not again, that's not a gender thing. Most men have never stopped to think, “am I a good date
or am I just being myself?” “Am I giving her what she wants?”
For most people, it's too painful to actually look in the mirror to discover. Imagine, you know,
a hidden camera. God, I could only imagine my years of twenty five to thirty five when I was
dating. If there was a hidden camera showing me everything that I did, I probably cringe.
Let's reflect on how we show up on dates
and how it makes a difference, how we're perceived by others and we act like our behavior
in some sort of bubble. “Well, I'm just just being myself.” The guy who doesn't pick up the check is
just being himself the guy who is trying to get laid after the appetizers. Just being himself,
just being yourself is not necessarily the best dating practice. So in Love U Week eight,
I do a whole section on first dates and I want to give you something valuable today. I can give
you a little taste of what's in Love U. So I want to quickly run down some of the counterintuitive
things that women, especially my Type A analytical clients, tend to get wrong on first dates.
If you feel personally indicted by this,
don't get too bent out of shape. This is all constructive. It's designed to help. It's
designed to illuminate. And remember, our metric is not really right and wrong. It's effective and
ineffective. Is this helping me get what I want? Is this preventing me from getting what I want?
So here's five things. Number one, you interrogate you've had so many bad experiences with men before
and you're so concerned that you're going to get hurt or waste your time, that you start asking
him a million questions that you think are subtle in order to kind of figure out what his deal is.
But believe it or not, those first 90 minutes that you're meeting a guy is not to figure out if he's
your husband, whether he wants kids, whether you're going to raise him in the same religion,
how much money he saved for retirement, whether he's looking for something serious,
whether he's in touch with his ex-girlfriend. You are not here to interrogate and excavate
and figure out the entire future. The first date is to have fun, to say that because I know nobody
thinks of it like that, but it is designed for you to connect, to share, to laugh, to basically have
a good enough time to determine that. “Yeah, that was fun.” Maybe I should do that again.
It's not that the answers to your questions aren't ultimately important. Of course they are.
It's that you don't have to figure it out right then
and there. Give it enough time and men will reveal all.
You don't have the right to get the answers to these questions up front, because if you feel that
you do, if you go into the first date, like you're some sort of investigator trying to read the last
page of the book to figure out if he's your future husband, I can promise you it's going to backfire.
And the guy that you're going out with who's in the hot seat taking your questions isn't going
to be having very much fun. And it's 50 percent of the equation when it comes to second dates next.
Number two, you judge men who are excited about you. So between guys who are aloof and guys who
are enthusiastic, you tend to overvalue the ones who play it really cool and undervalue the ones
who like you the most. That does not mean that I am defending the puppy needy guys, right? “Oh,
my God. So excited about you. You should be my girlfriend.” Texting you forty two times a day.
But don't we all benefit a little bit from being more authentic in the dating process?
How can you judge a guy for doing exactly what you claim you want a guy to do to find you attractive,
to be enthusiastic about you, to be interested in you, to talk about seeing you again,
trying to land another date? It's literally that's the textbook of what you want from a guy.
But in general, we tend to lose a little bit of attraction for people who show too much interest.
And if you dismiss everybody who's excited about you, you know what your dating pool looks like,
right? Men who are ambivalent and could care less whether they ever see you again. That's
the pool that you're fishing in, not the right pool if you want to get married.
Number three, you judge men who are interested in sex. Again, not saying a guy has a right to
make you uncomfortable or that you have to put it out or that there's a three date. None of that.
Not what I'm saying. But sex is a pretty big part of dating. It's what elevates just a meal with
business colleagues to a romantic evening with the guy with potential. So if a guy flirts with you,
that's OK. It just means he's a normal guy. If he makes a move at the end of the night, that's OK.
Normal guy, he's interested in you physically, he's supposed to be, as always, you reserve the
right to reject any man for any reason at any time, but try not to get too bent out of shape
that a man might want to talk about sex because it's topical or that eventually he wants to
kiss you at the end of the night. Perfectly reasonable. Whether you're comfortable with
it is a completely different story. But try not to judge men for doing what men do.
Number four - you compete. No one wants to think of themselves like this. So I know I'm touching
the third rail here. Guy says he took a week in Greece last year. You'll tell him how you
spent a month learning Greek in Santorini. If he says he just redid his kitchen, you'll let him
know that you personally sanded down all your cabinets and installed the drywall yourself.
On one hand, you may think you're just talking about something you have in common,
but it inadvertently comes off as a whose dick is bigger contest and
that's not a contest you want to win. So this doesn't mean to downplay who you are.
Just be conscious of the fact that if everything he tells you is him trying to impress you and
every time he tries to impress you, you're like, “yeah, I could do that better. I've done more.“
If you keep on pounding that home, you're probably not leaving him with the warm feeling that
he wants, which again, does not mean that you need to double your shine's,
paying attention to just the dynamics of a relationship. When a guy does this to you,
it doesn't feel good when a guy tries to one up you. So don't try to one up your guy.
Number five. And this is something I see a lot, especially with my clients who take this seriously
and have been hurt before. You're afraid to be vulnerable. So many people have a hard time with
the concept of vulnerability. For our purposes, let's assume it means being authentic and open
and trusting and authentic and open and trusting doesn't mean weak or needy or lacking confidence.
It means you're comfortable enough in your own skin to be yourself at all times. And if your
public persona is I'm a smart, strong, successful woman and I'm independent and I don't need a man,
OK, but if you're on a date with a man and that's the story that you're telling,
guess what? Doesn't make the date feel connected to you.
If you're so happy, if life is so perfect without him, why are you here? Why is he here? What do you
need him for? You will have better dates when your conversation doesn't paint the picture of someone
whose life is perfect, but rather is a little softer and more human, where you cover your hopes
and your dreams and your fears and previous relationships as opposed to talking about what
you do for work and what you do for fun and what you watched on TV just surface boring.
Don't be afraid of going deep and giving a glimpse of the soft side underneath the strong exterior.
Good men, the men that you want actually love it and feel more connected to you after that.
Have you ever been the interrogator on a first date? Have you ever assumed that just because
the guy was attracted to you sexually, he was inherently a sleazebag? Have you ever met a guy
who you liked less just because he liked you more? Comment below and know you could always break
your patterns if, of course, you want the men who you like to like to like you right back.
My name is Evan Marc Katz. Thank you for tuning in to the Love U
podcast. For more episodes like this on YouTube, click on the subscribe button,
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And if you want to find love right now and you're committed to making healthier choices with men
so you can have that easy relationship in which you feel safe, heard and understood,
look for the link below and apply to coaching with me in Love U. Thanks a lot.