Good morning, Hank. It’s Wednesday. I wanna begin by thanking you for your extraordinarily
thoughtful and nuanced video about Haiti. And you also gave us a real way to really
help, link in the dooblydoo. And I don’t know how to respond to your brilliance and
your compassion except by sharing with you stupid questions that people ask Google.
That’s right, Hank, it’s time for ‘Google Auto-Fill once again proves that people are
weird.’
Hank, today I’m going to answer the top 10 questions people ask Google beginning,
“Why does my…?”
Why does my eye twitch? I have great news! Your eye doesn’t twitch.
More on that in a second.
Why does my cat lick me? Okay, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret:
cats believe that all other organisms are cats. Once you realize that, a lot of cat
behavior begins to makes sense. So, why does your cat lick you? Because it thinks it’s
grooming you. So when your cat licks you he’s thinking "I love you gigantic hairless cat,
and to show you, I will lick you.”
Why does your urine smell? Probably because you’re dehydrated, although
it could be because you have Maple Syrup Urine Disease. Maple Syrup Urine Disease, which,
by the way, is completely real, is a rare disease with four main symptoms. The first
is that your urine smells like Maple Syrup. The other three are coma, brain damage, and
death. But hopefully you just need to drink some water.
Why does my dog eat poop? Because he can. Hank, so a couple of years
ago I was at the doctor and he said, “You have a parasite called campylobacter.” And
I said, “Okay, how do you get that parasite?” And he said, “You get it from eating feces.”
And I was like, “Well, I’m just gonna throw this out there. Umm… just so you know,
I don’t eat feces. I mostly eat, you know, foods and then that food turns into feces,
and then I just let the feces go.” And he was like, “Oh yeah, most people get it by
being licked by their dogs.” Willy Green, why did you give me campylobacter?! Anyway,
it turns out dogs eat poop mostly because they’re bored or stressed out, so if your
dog is eating poop, give him other stuff to do.
Why does my stomach hurt? I’d look into the possibility of campylobacter.
Why does my eyelid twitch? …Is what you meant earlier when you asked
about your eye twitching. It’s probably because you stare at screens all day long,
and googling the problem is not helping.
Why does my cat bite me? I think that’s what the Zen masters would
call ‘a question wrongly put.’ The question isn’t ‘Why does my cat bite me?’ The
question is ‘When did my cat become a vampire, and what can I do about it?’ And the answers
are ‘Probably pretty recently or else you’d already be dead,’ and ‘Nothing. I’m
sorry. Make your peace with your friends and with your enemies, because your time is short,
owner of vampire cat.’
Why does my stomach growl? Because your stomach has told your brain to
tell your stomach that you are hungry, and that leads to some muscle contractions and
releases of acids and it just blorgoglggog.
Why does my dog lick everything? Interestingly, the same reason your dog eats
poop. It’s because you spend all your time on the internet and none of your time with
your dog, so he or she is bored.
And lastly, Why does my computer keep freezing? Why are you being so mean to your computer?
It’s obviously working well enough for you to Google. But to answer your question, porn-bots.
So there you have it, Hank. The ten ‘How does my…’ questions people ask Google
the most. I have one for you: How does my little blue guy fall down every single time
I make a video?
Hank, thanks again for reminding us that the hardest problems are the ones that most need
solving. I’ll see you on Friday, DFTBA.