- A lot of people assume I was a nerd growing up,
which is offensive, unfair, untrue.
I was not a nerd.
Nerds had other nerds to play "Dungeons and Dragons" with,
(audience laughing)
people to hang out with.
I was a spazzy weirdo.
We're our own thing.
(upbeat instrumental music) (audience cheering)
I moved here recently.
I moved from San Francisco.
(audience cheering) Yeah.
A lot of times when I tell people I'm from San Francisco,
the response is the same.
It's always, "Oh, San Francisco.
"That's a nice city, but, uh, pretty gay, right."
(audience laughing)
And I understand why people think that.
I don't understand why they say it out loud.
(audience laughing)
Here's the thing though.
I've looked up the statistics
and San Francisco is only 25% gay.
So that's one out of every four people.
So that's like saying, "Oh, you like the Beatles?
"Yeah, they're pretty good but why are they all Ringo?"
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
And it just feels like everyone of them's
just Ringo. Ringo, Ringo.
(audience laughing)
And they're so in your face about it.
(audience laughing)
I'm not a lesbian.
I know I have to say that in order for people to know it.
(audience laughing)
But I consider myself an ally, you know,
and I've noticed that there are a lot of ways
in which gay men and gay women are treated
very differently by society.
Like a lot of times when people do impressions of gay men,
there's a very specific voice that they use.
It's almost like an accent or a cadence,
a gaydence, if you would.
(audience laughing)
But there's no such voice for lesbians, right?
There's no lesbian accent.
And I think that's weird and I think it's unfair.
(audience laughing)
I think there needs to be one.
(audience laughing)
And I've been thinking about it.
I think, hear me out, I think it should be
a really bad fake French accent.
(audience laughing)
Because how great would that be if one day
your teenage daughter sat you down and was just like,
"Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you."
(audience laughing)
I'll tell you a little bit about me.
I was not a very cool kid growing up.
I'm not a cool adult.
It just doesn't matter anymore.
(audience laughing)
A lot of people assume I was a nerd growing up,
which is offensive, unfair, untrue.
I was not a nerd.
Nerds had other nerds to play "Dungeons and Dragons" with,
(audience laughing)
people to hang out with.
I was a spazzy weirdo.
We're our own thing.
(audience laughing)
Kind of the bad boys of the general loser community.
(audience laughing)
All of the alienation, none of the brains.
(audience laughing)
I couldn't find anyone that was into
the stuff I was into as a kid.
I'll give you an example.
When I was 11, my dad made me scrambled eggs for breakfast
one morning and I said, "This is amazing.
"What's in this?"
And he said, "Oregano."
So naturally I took a small tub of oregano
and I taped a string to it and I wore it as a necklace
(audience laughing)
every day to school for three months.
(audience laughing)
And because I'm from San Francisco,
my parents just let me do that.
(audience laughing)
They were just like, "Go on out into the world,
"be free, follow your heart.
"Who are we to stop you?"
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
Who are you to stop me?
You're actually the only people who can.
(audience laughing)
It's kind of part of your job, right?
Just to give me a once-over before I leave the house
make sure there's no trash dangling from my body.
You're dropping the ball.
(audience laughing)
I was like, "This is cool, tight?
"I'm the oregano girl now.
(audience laughing)
"You all better pick a spice because oregano is spoken for."
(audience laughing)
I think what I'm trying to say is it took me
a really long time to lose my virginity.
That's the point of that story, I think.
I feel like I wanna be single forever.
I just really like to say that I wanna be single forever
in front of my married friends because they hate that.
Oh my God, they hate that so much.
There's always one of them
who will condescend to me about it.
He'll be like, "Come on, single forever.
"You don't know that.
"You can't know that.
"You can't know that you're gonna want something forever."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "Oh my God, that is an amazing point."
(audience laughing)
No, you're right.
That would be stupid of me to say that I know
I'm gonna want something forever in my 20s.
(audience laughing)
God, the only thing that I could think of
that might be stupider would be spending $50,000
to say it in front of everyone I know.
(audience laughing)
If you're married and that offends you, I'm sorry.
Here's what I recommend.
Go home, hug your spouse, know that I will not be doing that
because Netflix does not have arms.
(audience laughing)
Although if they know their clientele,
they are working on it, right.
I kinda think Donald Trump is like the "Air Bud"
of American politics.
(audience laughing)
But I also think "Air Bud" was the villain of that movie.
(audience laughing)
Right, because imagine for a moment
that you are one of the kids
on the other basketball team, right.
You're one of the kids who has to play basketball
against a golden retriever in front of your parents.
(audience laughing)
You're just a kid who loves basketball, right.
You've been practicing basketball.
You know the rules of basketball.
(audience laughing)
You showed up to the gym that day
expecting to play another child at basketball.
(audience laughing)
That was Hillary Clinton, right.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
She was just like, "Put me in, coach,"
for the last 20 years.
And we finally did and as soon as we did,
this fucking fluffy dog who has no business on the court
comes running out distracting everybody.
He doesn't know the rules.
He can't know the rules.
(audience laughing)
He is a dog.
(audience laughing)
He's traveling like crazy.
Where's the ref?
(audience laughing)
And everyone's just fine with it
because there's nothing in the rule book
(audience laughing)
that says a pumpkin-headed racist can't be president.
Let's write more rules maybe.
How about that?
That seems like a pretty obvious fix.
(audience clapping)
Also, I should say I have not seen "Air Bud."
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering) (upbeat instrumental music)