-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Thanks for being here. Thanks for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, everyone was talking about this.
Last night, at the end of a White House photo op,
journalists weren't supposed to ask any questions.
But Fox News reporter Peter Doocy
asked President Biden whether inflation
would hurt him in the midterms,
and a hot mic picked up Biden's response.
Watch this.
[ Laughter and applause ]
When your age is almost 80
and your approval rating's almost 30,
you can pretty much say whatever you want, I think.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, listen, if Biden's next three years
are going to be grandpa at Thanksgiving, sign me up.
I'm in, I'm in.
You could tell that felt good for Biden,
because today he was fielding questions like,
"Yeah, the moron in the back."
[ Laughter ]
"How about Dopey in the corner, you got something to say?"
Thankfully there were no hard feelings,
and Biden even called Doocy to clear the air.
Listen to this.
-That led to a phone call from the president
within about an hour of the salty exchange,
Biden telling Doocy, quote, "It's nothing personal, pal."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Then Biden said,
"I'll say it again real slow so you can understand.
It's nothing personal, pal."
Not sure that excuse really flies.
It's sort of up there with, "Don't take this the wrong way."
"Don't take this the wrong way, but you look tired."
I hate when people tell me I look tired.
Can we just take that out of our vernacular?
-Yes. -Why would you say that?
-Well, also -- -"Hey, you look bad."
-[ Laughs ] It's like, "Thank you.
Yeah, but actually, I'm not tired.
I slept great last night. This is how I look not tired."
Of course, all the networks were reporting on the exchange.
But I saw that the far-right network OAN
accidentally added insult to injury for Peter Doocy.
Take a look.
-President Biden, the United States president,
calls for Fox News White House correspondent Peter Douchey.
He called him, quote, "a stupid son of a [bleep]"
[ Laughter ]
-Peter Douchey.
[ Applause ]
-[ Laughs ]
-Peter Douchey.
Biden was like, "Thanks, I'll have to use that one tomorrow.
I appreciate it."
That was like, "Peter Douchey -- I'm sorry.
[ Clears throat ] Penis Douchey.
I'm s-- I'm sorry. I can't read this.
Peter Doocy."
Peter Doocy actually heard that anchor
and was like, "You stupid some of a --"
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, Biden is already dealing with enough
as tensions continue to rise
over a Russian invasion of Ukraine.
The Department of Homeland Security has warned
that Russia could launch a cyberattack against the U.S.
Yeah, they're basing this on evidence
from every day for the last 60 years.
[ Laughter ]
But the attacks could be serious.
Russia could cripple the electrical grid
or, worse, turn off TikTok.
[ Laughter ]
Americans are like, "Just in case,
I'm changing my password from '1234' to '1234!'"
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
That's right.
Yeah, an attack on our electrical grid
would ground commercial flights.
So at United, it'll be pretty much business as usual.
[ Laughter ]
And, of course, former President Trump
decided to weigh in on the Ukraine/Russia crisis.
In a statement, he said this never would have happened
under his administration.
Yeah, 'cause he would have just called Putin like,
"Just take it."
[ Laughter ]
"What the hell do I care? Just take it."
-"Sir."
-Yeah, "Sir."
Trump didn't stop there.
He also claimed that under his administration,
the green M&M would still be sexy.
[ Laughter ]
Let's change gears.
I read that the SAT exam is going fully digital
and being shortened from three hours to two.
Wow, that's like -- that's like --
Sorry, I don't have an analogy.
I bombed on the verbal on my SATs.
I'm more of a math guy.
[ Laughter ]
Who cares? I signed my name.
I got 200 points.
Eventually the exam will just be one question --
"Do you have $200,000 to pay for college?"
[ Laughter ] "No."
"Perfect, come on in."
[ Applause ]
Some business news.
Twitter is reportedly working on a "close friends" feature
that would let users share tweets with up to 150 people.
That story again --
Twitter is inventing the group chat from hell.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, a puffer fish named Goldie
had to undergo emergency dental work
because her teeth were too big.
Here she is before and after. Look at this.
[ Laughter ]
The hardest part was putting on the lead vest for the X-ray.
When the dentist said, "You may experience some swelling,"
the puffer fish was like,
"Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm a puffer fish.
I'm used to it, you stupid son of a --"
There you go. We have a great show.
Give it up for The Roots, everybody.