♪ ♪ ♪
WELCOME BACK. GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, LOUIS
CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND RIGHT THERE
♪ TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD ♪ WELCOME BACK TO TONIGHT'S
MONOLOGUE, ALREADY IN PROGRESS. PERHAPS THE MOST SHOCKING NEW
REVELATION FROM TODAY'S JANUARY 6 HEARING WAS THAT FOR
THE FIRST TIME, WE SAW HARROWING FOOTAGE OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING
WITH OUR CONGRESSIONAL LEADERS AS THEY SHELTERED IN PLACE
DURING THE RIOT. HERE'S DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE IN
WHICH WE SEE CHUCK SCHUMER TAKING CHARGE.
>> I'M GONNA CALL UP THE EFFING SECRETARY OF D.O.D.
>> Stephen: YOU TELL 'EM, CHUCK!
D.O.D? THIS IS M-F'ING SENATOR CHARLES
SCHUMER, AND I AM, IN A WORD, P.O.'d.
YOU TELL POTUS THAT CHUCK SCHUMER IS D.T.F: DOING TALKING
FIRMLY."
ROOM WHERE THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE AND OTHERS WERE TAKING
SHELTER DURING THE SIEGE: >> THEY ARE BREAKING WINDOWS AND
GOING IN, OBVIOUSLY RANSACKING OUR OFFICES, AND ALL THE REST OF
THAT. THAT'S NOTHING.
THE CONCERN WE HAVE ABOUT PERSONAL HARM--
>> SAFETY! >> PERSONAL SAFETY TRANSCENDS
EVERYTHING. >> Stephen: I GOTTA SAY, THIS
FOOTAGE REVEALS A SUPERHUMAN LEVEL OF COMPOSURE BY THE
SPEAKER. I GUESS IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY:
"BEHINDEVERY SUCCESSFUL MAN IS NANCY PELOSI SAYING, 'CHUCK,
PLEASE, I'LL HANDLE THIS.'"
EVEN-- >> Louis: YOU GOT IT.
>> Stephen: DID YOU SEE ANY OF IT?
>> Louis: I DIDN'T. >> Stephen: SHE WAS AMAZING,
SHE WAS EXTRAORDINARY. EVEN IN THE MIDST OF THE VIOLENT
SIEGE THEY'RE ALL FIGHTING FOR THEIR LIVES, THERE WAS
BIPARTISAN AGREEMENT THAT THEY WERE THERE FOR A BIGGER PURPOSE,
AS PELOSI DESCRIBES A CONVERSATION SHE HAD WITH MITCH
McCONNELL: >> WE TALKED TO MITCH ABOUT IT
EARLIER. HE IS NOT IN THE ROOM RIGHT NOW
BUT WAS IN THE ROOM WITH US EARLIER AND SAID WE WANT TO
EXPEDITE THIS, AND HOPEFULLY THEY CAN CONFINE THAT TO ONE
COMPLAINT, ARIZONA, AND WE COULD VOTE AND THEN JUST MOVE FORWARD
WITH THE REST OF THE STATES. >> Stephen: CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW
BRAVE IT IS TO DECIDE TO GET BACK TO WORK WHILE YOUR OFFICE
IS FULL OF PEOPLE WHO WANT TO KILL YOU?
I WON'T COME TO WORK IF THEY DON'T HAVE THE COFFEE I LIKE.
( LAUGHTER )
CRAB SHACK WHEREVER WEED IS LEGAL.
( LAUGHTER )
SOUTH CAROLINA. BUT PELOSI WAS ALSO AWARE OF THE
OBSTACLES TO GETTING BACK TO THE CERTIFICATION, INCLUDING THE
FACT THAT RIOTERS HAD DEFECATED IN THE CHAMBERS:
>> WE'RE GETTING A COUNTERPOINT THAT IT COULD TAKE TIME TO CLEAN
UP THE POO-POO THAT THEY'RE MAKING ALL OVER THE-- LITERALLY
AND FIGURATIVELY-- IN THE CAPITOL, AND THAT IT MIGHT TAKE
DAYS TO GET BACK. >> Stephen: OKAY, THREE THINGS:
ONE: IT IS MOVING TO WATCH NANCY PELOSI HAVE THE GUTS AND
SINGLE-MINDED FOCUS TO MAKE SURE THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE WAS HEARD
AND DEMOCRACY PRESERVED. TWO: IT IS HEARTBREAKING TO
REVISIT THE DESTRUCTION AND VIOLENCE, BOTH FIGURATIVE AND
LITERAL, ON OUR COUNTRY'S DEMOCRACY.
THREE: IT IS DELIGHTFUL TO HEAR NANCY PELOSI SAY POO-POO.
( LAUGHTER )
NOT WORTH IT. BUT DELIGHTFUL.
AND YOU GOTTA GET YOUR JOYS WHERE YOU CAN.
I JUST HAVE ONE QUIBBLE: SHE SAID IT WAS GOING TO TAKE DAYS
TO CLEAN UP? NANCY, IT'S BEEN ALMOST TWO
YEARS, AND THE POO-POO STILL WON'T ACCEPT THAT HE LOST THE
ELECTION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
DINGELL. DINGLEBERRY.
THAT'S A DOUBLE--
MADE THE HISTRIC ANNOUNCEMENT. >> THIS AFTERNOON, I AM OFFERING
THIS RESOLUTION: THAT THE COMMITTEE DIRECT THE CHAIRMAN TO
ISSUE A SUBPOENA FOR RELEVANT DOCUMENTS AND TESTIMONY UNDER
OATH FROM DONALD JOHN TRUMP IN CONNECTION WITH THE JANUARY 6th
ATTACK ON THE UNITED STATES CAPITOL.
>> Stephen: THERE IT IS.
UNPRECEDENTED.
ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. AND UNPRECEDENTED.
THEY HAD TO DO IT. THEY HAD TO DO IT FOR THE
PEOPLE. OF COURSE, IT'S NEVER GOING TO
HAPPEN. THE FORMER PRESIDENT DOESN'T
WANT THE OPPORTUNITY TO DEFEND HIMSELF ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
I MEAN, EVEN IF HE IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD GET UP THERE
AND SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT AND STICK IT TO LIZ CHENEY AND ADAM
SCHIFF AND PROVE THIS WHOLE THING IS A WITCH HUNT, IT WOULD
BE WATCHED BY TOO MANY PEOPLE ON THE BIGGEST STAGE IN THE WORLD!
I MEAN, HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
HE'D GET THE HIGHEST TV RATINGS IN HITORY.
BUT HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO UP THERE AND YELL AT THE COMMITTEE:
"YOU WANT THE TRUTH? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
YOU ALSO CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH SOCIAL, WHICH IS WHY NO
ONE IS SIGNING UP, RIGHT?" HERE'S HOW THE VOTE WENT DOWN:
>> MISS CHENEY? >> AYE.
>> MS. LOFGREN? >> AYE.
>> MR. SCHIFF? >> AYE.
>> MR. AGUILAR? >> AYE.
>> MRS. MURPHY? >> AYE.
>> MR. RASKIN? >> AYE.
>> MS. LURIA? >> AYE.
>> MR. KINZINGER? >> KINZINGER, AYE.
>> MR. CHAIRMAN? >> AYE.
>> Stephen: AUDIENCE? GLAWS AYE!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT. ED SHEERAN IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I SIT DOWN WITH "SUCCESSION'S" JEREMY
STRONG. STICK AROUND.
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