You were in a relationship with a man who had no money.
You break up. What do you look for? Money.
You were in a relationship that had no passion.
You break up. What do you look for? Passion.
I call this the Overcorrection. When you’ve been deprived of something for too long,
it’s normal to crave it. The problem is not
the craving. The problem is when we go too far in the other direction.
Today, I’m going to explain more about overcorrecting and how to calibrate
your next dating choice so you can get it just right. Stick around.
I’m Evan Marc Katz, dating coach for smart, strong, successful women and your personal trainer
for love. Welcome to the Love U Podcast. Keep listening to discover why it’s dangerous to choose
men based on what’s wrong with your ex . When we’re done, I’ll let you know how you can apply
to Love U to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
So I'm going to tell a story about my mom.
I can always tell stories about my clients, but I like my mom's story sort of the best.
My mom was married to my dad for 30 years. She got married when she was twenty two, I
believe in 1968. They had a good but not great marriage. I think it's probably the best way to
describe it that the kids were very well loved. We were given lots of love and self-esteem and
great experiences. We all laughed together and played board games and traveled and
had a really, really nice childhood. But my parents were volatile. They weren't that
experienced because they were both young. My mom went from her father's house into my dad's house
and their personalities were both a little volatile, a little bit emotional. So there
was a lot of fighting and making up. And there were a couple of times that I thought they might
have gotten divorced, but they managed to get past those tough times. And when my dad died, when I
was 26 and he was 53, my parents had been together for 30 years and there was no sign that they were
going to break up. Once the kids were out of the house, their relationship actually got better.
So that's a story of a good but not great marriage that had some passion but was missing out on some
comfort due to a lack of self awareness and communication skills in both of their parts.
My mom after that moved to Florida, retired in her mid 50s and is lonely, not surprisingly,
after spending 30 years with one guy. So she's lonely and says she doesn't want to date, says she
doesn't want to get married and doesn't for a few years. And then one day there's this guy who makes
a really great effort for her. They walk their dogs together and they
became friends from the neighborhood and one of these 55 and over communities in Florida.
And this guy is everything my dad was not. And my dad comes from Russian immigrant parents. He's
a little rough around the edges. He's not a typically gentle or chivalrous, hardworking guy.
Get shit done, you know, man of a family kind of guy, but lacking certain sensitivities.
And so my mom really missed out on being treated like a princess the way her father treated her,
really gentle, like she walked on water. My dad did not treat my mom like she walked on water.
And so my mom ends up marrying this lovely man named Mike. And Mike was, again,
everything my dad wasn't. And he was so different from my dad that I didn't have a great feeling
about the relationship. Obviously, as a son, I want to be supportive. I'm glad my mom's happy,
but it was really a 180 degree turn. And this is the guy who would carry the heavy grocery bag
out from the car. He bought my mom a car and took her on a trip to Italy
right after meeting her. He just was so over the moon about my mom, which is generally a good sign.
But he did everything for her. He cooked and he did the dishes and he just
really tried to take care of her in a way that my dad never did.
And the problem with that relationship and the point of this podcast is that my mom got
her overcorrection. She went from a guy who was a little rough around the edges and not as sensitive
to a highly sensitive man who is wonderfully kind and chivalrous. But what did she sacrifice?
She wasn't attracted to him. She didn't have much fun with him. She didn't respect him.
That marriage lasted for probably about two years and it wasn't too long into it. My mom made you
realize she made a pretty big mistake. So she overcorrected, got the thing that she was missing,
but sacrificed a whole bunch of other things. And that's
the story that I think you can identify with on some level, is correcting too far from the last
boyfriend and then not getting something that's right in the middle of something that's balanced.
My mom ended up falling in love with a friend when she was 69 years old. She's now 74. The
person she met was a woman named Anne. And Anne is a combination of my mom's first two husbands.
She's funny and she's a small business owner, like my dad. She's a little butch
type to throw around stereotypes, but she's kind of butch, very clearly a lesbian, my mom is not.
And she also has that feminine, sensitive side virtue of being a woman that my dad didn't have,
but her second husband did. So my mom has never been happier in the relationship
than the one she's in right now. She's now happily married for five years. And
it's because she ended up finding someone who is in the middle. And that's all Love
U is trying to tell you to do is find something in the middle and stop avoiding these extremes.
My wife's story is probably the better one to tell. My wife was married to a
guy who was funny and charismatic in the music industry. He was like the life of the party guy.
He didn't always tell the truth. He didn't always remember to pay the electric bills even though he
had money. He was like a man boy, in his early thirties and just kind of like living it up, but
not responsible. The second they got married, he kind of freaked out about being married. He wasn't
sure he was ready for marriage, wasn't ready for kids, and cheated on her. Worst case scenario.
That was because my wife's first husband was a man boy.
Her rebound guy that she dated for a year and a half afterwards was a guy who is young. He
was a boy. He was a boy man. He was this young guy who was a graduate student who was really,
really serious, who really wasn't much fun, who spent all his time studying. But he was cute,
smart, young and serious. My wife overcorrected from the life of the party, irresponsible
guy to the really serious young man who she didn't have nearly as much fun with as her husband. And
somehow she ends up with me. I'm emotionally available. I work nine to six. I own my own
business but I don't work nights, I don't work weekends. And I prioritize being social,
just like my wife, who's a super extrovert. And I always wanted to be married with children.
So my wife has this guy and this guy ends up with a guy who's the combination of those two people.
And it's that iterative process that we're talking about in dating and understanding on top of this
very moderate approach to dating that in telling you these stories, is my mom and her partner
are not a perfect couple. My wife and I are not a perfect couple. Nobody is right. But we know that.
And that's sort of our strength. We talk about our weaknesses. We acknowledge them. We work through
them. The other night we were in bed and we're having a funny discussion that sounds dire. We're
having a funny discussion about what would happen if the other person was dead and we had to get
remarried. What kind of partner would she choose? And we both agreed at that moment that we would do
what comes natural based on each other's flaws. My wife would probably go for someone who's a little
bit more patient, maybe someone who's a little bit more competent and handy around the house. Those
are my glaring flaws. But she might recognize she could have a very patient, competent,
handy guy, but he might not be as confident and successful or extroverted as, say, I am.
I might go for someone who cared more about her health and was more efficient
in getting things done. Because I'm impatient, my wife is deliberate.
But finding someone who is more healthy and ran marathons and ate better food and
was more efficient, she'd probably be a little bit more masculine energy, might be a little
more busy, might be a little more rigid and difficult than my happy, easy going wife.
And so just understanding that is a triumph. Took me 20 years to figure it out, how to calibrate
what you can and cannot live with and realize that you don't get everything in one package.
And as I said on a previous podcast, knowing that all good qualities come with bad qualities. You
don't get all good and no bad. The reason I'm happily married, the reason my mom's happily
married, is that we didn't give up. We kept recalibrating what we're looking for, trying to
find the middle ground. And we found this sweet spot in the middle instead of going like a moth
to a flame to our type. Dating the same guy in a different body. The rich guy, the hot guy,
the brilliant guy, the safe guy where you've done it before and you're always dissatisfied.
So I ask you, does this make sense?
Could you incorporate this into your life? And have you ever overcorrected?
If you're on YouTube, please comment below and let me know. And if you still find yourself doing it,
please go to my website, evanmarckatz.com, watch that free video, apply to LoveU and allow
me to help you figure out how to choose a truly compatible partner. You can do this. Thanks a lot.
My name is Evan Marc Katz. Thank you for tuning in to the Love U Podcast. For more episodes like
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