>> Stephen: OH LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE LATE
SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LET ME ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION.
EVERYBODY FEELING GOOD?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: WELL, CLEARLY, CLEARLY YOU DO NOT WORK IN THE
WHITE HOUSE.
BECAUSE IT IS WEDNESDAY, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THAT AT THE
WHITE HOUSE, WE ARE SO HUMPED DAY.
LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU WHY.
LET ME REMIND YOU, RECAP THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS.
YOU KNOW THE WHOLE TRUMP CAMPAIGN COLLUDED WITH RUSSIA TO
INFLUENCE OR ELECTION AND THE DIDN'T HAPPEN, DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
WELL, TURNS OUT IT DID, AND THEY DO.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY DONALD TRUMP, JR. RELEASED EMAILS EXPLICITLY
DETAILING AN INVITATION BY THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT TO COLLUDE,
AND HIS ENTHUSIASTIC ACCEPTANCE, QUOTE, I LOVE IT!
OH, OH DON, NOT AS MUCH AS I DO.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YEAH, YEAH.
NOW LISTEN, JUST TO GIVE YOU, OKAY, SO THAT WAS YESTERDAY,
THAT WAS YESTERDAY, WE HAVE HAD A FULL NEWS CYCLE TO GIVE YOU A
SENSE OF THE FALLOUT LET ME PRESENT YOU WITH A BOUQUET OF
EARLY BLOOMING HEADLINES.
THE WHITE HOUSE IS PARALYZED.
AND I'M PRETTY SURE TRUMPCARE DOES NOT COVER THAT.
I SEE ANOTHER ONE, READY?
HERE WE GO.
HERE'S ANOTHER HEADLINE.
THE WHITE HOUSE IS FACING A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE.
AND REMEMBER REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTS HAVE A SPOTTY TRACK
RECORD WHEN IT COMES TO DEALING WITH HURRICANES.
BUT, OBVIOUSLY, OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
THOSE WERE "THE WASHINGTON POST" AND CNN.
HOW ABOUT HEARING FROM SOMEONE ON THEIR SIDE, TRY "THE NEW YORK
POST." DONALD TRUMP, JR. IS AN IDIOT, YES.
YES.
(APPLAUSE)E YES, KEEP IN MIND, KEEP THIS IN
MIND, AND I MEAN THIS, THEY ARE DEFENDING HIM.
BECAUSE THE ALTERNATIVE TO IDIOT IS INMEAT AND IT'S HARD TO ARGUE
THAT POINT.
DONALD TRUMP, JR. IS QUICKLY RISING TO THE RANKS OF AMERICA'S
MOST EMBARRASSING DONALD TRUMPS.
THINGS ARE SO BAD, THINGS ARE SO BAD, CHECK OUT THIS TWEET OF
STAFFERS AND WHITE HOUSE VISITORS PLACING THEIR HANDS ON
PRESIDENT TRUMP AND PRAYING FOR HIM TODAY.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: OKAY, EITHER THAT, EITHER THAT OR THEY ARE PLAYING
HANDS ON A SOFT BODY.
WHOEVER KEEPS THEIR HAND THE LONGEST GETS TO FIRE ROBERT
MUELLER.
SO WITH HIS AGENDA IN TATTERSES, WITH HIS WHITE HOUSE PARALYZED,
IN TURMOIL, WITH HIS FAMILY IN DISGRACE, THE PRESIDENT DID THE
RIGHT THING AND HEADED TO FRANCE TONIGHT.
FRANCE, AND IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE, THAT IT'S SAYS SAFE SPACE, TRUMP
IS LIKE JERRY LEWIS OVER THERE IN THAT HE SEEMS LIKE AN IDIOT,
BECAUSE THIS PROOF OF THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN'S COLLUSION MAY HAVE
COST THE PRESIDENT SOMETHING HE LOVES EVEN MORE THAN HIS SON.
IT WILL COST HIM HIS FAVORITE CATCH PHRASE BECAUSE LAST NIGHT
ONE WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR ADMITTED THE RUSSIA STORY WILL GET WORSE
AND WORSE AND YOU CAN'T JUST REALLY SAY ANY MORE "FAKE NEWS."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T.
YOU CAN'T SAY IT ANY MORE.
CAN'T SAY IT.
I KNOW HOW DONALD TRUMP IS GOING TO FEAL ABOUT THAT.
SAD.
SO TONIGHT WE BID A FOND FAIRWELL.
>> WE ARE FIGHTING THE FAKE NEWS.
IT'S FAKE, PHONEY, FAKE.
>> YOU NOTICE NOW THEY'RE USING, EVERYBODY IS USING THE WORD FAKE
NEWS.
WHERE DID YOU HEAR IT FIRST, FOLKS.
>> IT'S ALL FAKE NEWS, IT'S PHONEY STUFF T DIDN'T HAPPEN.
>> FAKE NEWS, CNN.
FAKE.
WHAT, THE CAMERA JUST WENT OFF.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: I'M CRYING FAKE TEARS.
(LAUGHTER) SO PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY AGREES,
TRUMP, JR. WAS DUMB TO TWEET THIS STUFF.
AND THE SMART THING TO DO WOULD BE JUST TO SHUT UP.
SO LAST NIGHT HE WENT ON FOX NEWS.
(LAUGHTER) AND EXPLAINED WHY HE IS NOT
RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY OF THIS.
>> SOMEONE SENT ME AN EMAIL.
I CAN'T HELP WHAT SOMEONE SENDS ME.
>> Stephen: YES, HE CAN'T HELP.
HE HAS TO DO WHATEVER IT SAYS IN AN EMAIL THAT IS WHY HIS
APARTMENT IS FULL OF NIGERIAN PRINCES AND BONER PILLS.
YOU ARE GOING TO WANT TO KEEP THEM APART.
YOU ARE TBING TO WANT TO KEEP THOSE TWO, KEEP THOSE TWO APART.
PLUS THIS WAS WAY LAST SUMMER.
IT WAS A TOTAL LEIGH DIFFERENT TIME.
>> THIS IS PREYOU WERE RUSSIA REFER, PRERUSSIA MANIA, 13
MONTHS AGO BEFORE THE REST OF THE WORLD WAS TALKING ABOUT
THAT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, HE COLLUDED WITH THE RUSSIA BEFORE PEOPLE
WERE TALKING ABOUT RUSSIAN COLLUSION.
OKAY.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING YEAH, I FIRED A GUN AT THAT GUY BUT THAT WAS
BEFORE EVERYBODY WAS TALKING ABOUT THIS WHOLE MURDER TRIAL,
ALL RIGHT.
HOW DID I KNOW.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO-- BESIDES, I MEAN, THE
MEETING WAS A DUED.
>> IT WAS LITERALLY JUST A WASTED 20 MINUTES WHICH WAS A
SHAME.
>> Stephen: YEAH, IT WAS ALL ON HIS YELP REVIEW, ONE STAR,
DID NOT DELIVER TREASON TO TABLE, WOULD NOT COLLUDE AGAIN.
AND, IT'S GOING TO BE HARSH FOR HER BUSINESS.
SHE'S GOING TO HAVE TROUBLE SHAKING THAT ONE OFF.
I'VE GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU, DON, JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR
SECRET RUSSIAN A INTEL DOESN'T MEAN ARE YOU THE GOOD GUY HERE,
YOU NEVER HEARD THE PERVS SAY WAIT, WHAT IS WITH THE COPS, I
BROUGHT WINE COOLERS, WHAT A WASTED 20 MINUTES.
>> WAIT, WHAT, WHY, WHERE AM I GOING, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
(APPLAUSE) BUT DON, JR. DID LEARN AN
IMPORTANT LESSON FROM ALL THIS.
>> IN RETROSPECT, I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE DONE THINGS A LITTLE
DIFFERENTLY.
I KNOW MORE NOW BUT HINDSIGHT IS ALWAYS 2020.
>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT, HINDSIGHT IS 20-20.
AND I THINK A LOT OF VOTERS WILL BE USING HINDSIGHT IN 2020.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: AND MEANWHILE, OF COURSE, OF COURSE THE WHITE
HOUSE IS DEFENDING DON, JR., ONE OFFICIAL SAID HE JUST WANTS TO
HUNT, FISH AND RUN HIS FAMILY'S REAL ESTATE BUSINESS.
YES, WHY DID WE FORCE HIM TO GET INTO POLITICS.
YOU KNOW HE WOULD RATHER BE IN A FOREST PURSUING HIS FIRST LOVE,
BRAWNY MAN COSPLAY.
ANOTHER, ANOTHER-- (LAUGHTER)
ANOTHER ANONYMOUS SOURCE SAID, THE KID IS AN HONEST KID.
OKAY.
PUMP THE BRAKES A LITTLE BIT HERE.
THIS KID IS A 39 YEAR OLD MAN.
AND I GOT TO SAY, IT'S NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN THE PERSON
STICKING UP FOR YOU WANTS TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS.
DON, JR. IS A GOOD PERSON, WAIT, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO USE MY NAME,
RIGHT?
EVEN BILL O REILLY ROSE FROM THE NONSPIN CRYPT, TWEETING IT WAS
TABLOID GUY SET HIM UP WITH A RUSSIA LAWYER WHO PROMISED
HILLARY DIRT, SHE DIDN'T DELIVER.
LEAVE IT TO BILL O REILLY TO FIND A WAY TO BLAME THE ONLY
WOMAN IN THIS STORY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
CLEARLY SHE'S A COLLUDE TEASE.
NOW THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN NOTICEABLY QUIET THROUGH ALL OF
THIS, IN PART BECAUSE HIS SCHEDULE IS UNUSUALLY LIGHT.
AND HE'S BEEN WATCHING TV AND VENTING ABOUT THE INVESTIGATION.
LIGHT?
TRUMP HAS SPENT HALF HIS PRESIDENCY GOLFING.
HOW MUCH LIGHTER CAN HIS SCHEDULE GET.
SIR, YOU HAVE TO GET UP, IT'S TIME TO GO TO BED.
BUT, BUT, THE PRESIDENT DENIES THERE IS ANY TROUBLE.
TWEETING THIS MORNING, THE WHITE HOUSE IS FUNCTIONING PERFECTLY.
FOCUSED ON HEALTH CARE, TAX CUTS SLASH REFORMS AND MANY OTHER
THINGS.
I HAVE VERY LITTLE TIME FOR WATCHING TV.
I GT TO SAY IT'S NOT EXACTLY COMFORTING WHEN THE PERSON IN
CHARGE STARTS RANDOMLY ASSURING YOU THAT EVERYTHING'S JUST FINE.
>> THERE IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING, THE PLANE IS FUNKING
PERFECTLY.
WE ARE FOCUSED ON FLYING, LANDING AND MANY OTHER THINGS.
>> I HAVE VERY LITTLE TIME FOR WATCHING TV.