-Hasan Minhaj, it is always great to see you.
Welcome back to "The Tonight Show."
How's it going, pal?
-It's rough. [ Laughter ]
-Talk to me. What do you mean? Talk to me.
-I'm not doing good. -Wow. Wow. Why? Why?
-This show is bad luck.
[ Laughter ] -Our -- This show is?
-Every time I come on this show, Jimmy,
I'm embroiled in some controversy.
[ Laughter ] -Some con-trov-ersy?
-Yes, last time I was on the show...
-Yes -- -...I did a couple jokes
and I pissed off doctors of osteopathic medicine.
-Ooh. -A niche group of physicians.
They were hate-tweeting the show from their Teslas.
-Ohh. That sounds terri--
-And...
[ Laughter ] -Oh, no.
-This past week, I was on "Celebrity Jeopardy!",
and now fans of "Jeopardy!" hate my guts.
[ Laughter ]
I have this unique power to piss off dedicated nerds.
[ Laughter ]
-I heard something about this "Celebrity Jeopardy!" thing.
-Okay, so, I was on "Celebrity Jeopardy!"
And I was raising money for charity.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yes, I'm a good person.
-"I'm a good person." -I'm raising money
for International Relief Commiteee, which is --
raising money for victims of the floods in Pakistan.
Yeah, yeah. I'm a good guy.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Sure.
-And I'm playing the show, and -- and I'm passionate.
-What do you mean? What does passionate mean?
-I was just playing with vigor and passion.
-Well, let me just show everyone the clip.
We'll decide if "passionate" is the word.
Let's take a look.
-Uh -- What is [Shouting] -That's time!
-Hasan.
-What is, I plead the Fifth? -That's correct.
The Fifth Amendment. -A little swag on it.
What is...guts? -No.
-Hasan. -What is cardinal?
-Yes. -All gas, no brakes!
What is Ireland? -That's correct.
-Oh, ho, ho! And I guessed that!
-Hasan.
-Oh, no! What is a redshirt?
-That is correct. -Wow.
[ Laughter ] -Why did you --
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yeah! -Getting in people's faces?
What was going on -- -I was -- I was into it.
And if you get it right, yeah, hang on the rim.
[ Laughter ]
-You don't hang on the rim if you dunk the ball, no.
-The fans weren't having it.
-Let me just read a couple tweets, if you don't mind,
from fans of "Jeopardy!"
-Oh, geez. Jimmy.
They @'d you, by the way, which I always love.
-I know, rocketdan7. Geez.
[ Laughter ]
-This one's from @lazyfelter. They said...
[ Laughter ]
Wow. No. This is good that people get -- they say this.
Here. This is by -- Big Thankful Dad said...
That's Big Thankful Dad. This is a big thankful dad.
-Yeah, yeah, but he's being a mean dad right now.
-No. He's being thankful. He's thankful.
This person said...
And then this is from TV Insider --
-Okay, okay, well, first of all,
I'm not cool enough to do cocaine, okay?
-That's not a cool thing.
-Everything you hate about me is who I really am.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, my.
[ Audience awws ] Don't feel bad for him yet.
Hold on. This is the best.
TV Insider, which I follow. I love TV Insider.
-Oh, geez. -I trust their opinion.
And they say, "'Celebrity Jeopardy!' fans
call Hasan Minhaj 'most annoying' contestant ever."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Congratulations.
-That one hurt because, you know,
the -- the show's been on for over 58 years.
[ Laughter ] -Don't let it --
-And they've had 15,000 contestants on the show.
-Who cares about numbers?
-And Dr. Oz was a contestant on --
[ Audience ohhs ]
-Don't get into -- -No, no, no. Jimmy.
You know what? Maybe my dad was wrong.
He said I'd never break records on that show.
[ Laughter ] -You did.
-You know what? Listen, Jimmy.
I'm in the eye of the storm.
-Wow. -And I can't take it anymore.
So I want to apologize to the fans of "Jeopardy!"
Where's my camera? Here? -Sure.
[ Laughter ] Your camera.
-I've been journaling and writing about this.
To the fans of "Jeopardy!"...
I want to take this moment to apologize.
"Jeopardy!" fans, look at me.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, my goodness.
-I'm sorry I desecrated an American institution.
I'm sorry I ripped your 7:00 p.m. linear TV pacifier
out of your geriatric mouth.
[ Laughter ]
And most importantly, I'm sorry for trying
to make "Jeopardy!" fun.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-What are you doing?!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Now, what I'm about to say to you...
is something I've said to my wife a thousand times.
This is not an excuse.
This is an explanation.
[ Laughter ]
Let me explain my behavior.
When you're playing "Jeopardy!" at home in your sweats
and you're confident and you got --
you're playing with the shampoo or the remote...
-Yeah.
...you think you're the [bleep].
But you don't know what that game does to you in the arena.
[ Laughter ]
So I walk in -- Jimmy, don't even laugh.
This is not funny. "TVinsider.com."
You don't even know what Uproxx said about me.
-I don't want to -- It's "Uproxx" with two X's.
-Yeah.
-So...
You go -- No, listen.
You go in. -Okay.
-You go in to the studio, Culver City, Sony lot.
You walk in, and you see --
you feel the history of, you know, Alex Trebek Studios.
-It's historic.
-And you can smell the history and the asbestos and...
And you look around and you're like, "This is it?"
It's kind of like when your dad goes to any American airport.
They're like, "Really? This is --
This is why China's winning."
[ Laughter ]
Then the producer comes in, right?
And they sit you down, and they're very --
They have buzzer technique. This is a big deal.
"Jeopardy!" fans, you know this, right?
And I know this. I've seen the videos.
And I go, "Listen. The buzzer's janky.
My buzzer is janky." And I told the producer this.
I go, "I know all the techniques.
Up above, right? Sideways. Gunslinger. I know this.
But my buzzer is messed up, so I'm going to hold it up here
so everyone can see this on camera."
I'm telling you. I did it. That was my strategy.
-We have the tape. Let's check out...
-Show them the tape. -...the buzzer game tape.
Keep an eye on Hasan trying to buzz in.
Take a look. -Look at my hand.
-Wil? -What is "Rugrats"?
-That's right.
Troian. -Who is Cardi B?
-Yes. Wil. -What is a gargoyle?
-Wil? -What is South Carolina?
-Wil. -Who is Dakota Johnson?
-Yes. Wil.
-Who are Billy Ray Cyrus and Miley Cyrus?
-Wil. -What is McDonald's?
-Yes. -That is proof! That is proof!
That is -- That's not fair! That is proof!
-History will vindicate me. [ Cheers and applause ]
Now, look, while I'm there, I'm telling Mayim.
I go, "Mayim, my clicker, my buzzer! I'm buzzing in!"
She goes, "Your buzzer's fine." I go, "You're gaslighting me."
She goes, "No, I'm not."
I go, "You're victim-blaming now."
[ Laughter ]
Now, look. Here's the thing. -Yeah.
-You may be wondering, "Hasan, why are you being a psycho?"
It's not my fault.
Because...
"Jeopardy!" is like American elections.
Right?
Winner-take-all.
There is no second or third place.
So it incentivizes bad behavior.
If you're second or third,
you gotta give all the other contestants the smoke.
I'm sorry. I gotta kamikaze-mission you.
So I started taunting the other people I was competing against,
making fun of them. -Yeah.
-And I'm gaining. Right?
And I'm like, "Just get to Double Jeopardy!, and it's on.
You're back in the game."
-Yeah, you can always make a comeback.
-Yes, and I got to Double Jeopardy!
-That's right. You did. Can I ask --
Can I tell everyone the answer?
And then you could tell me what your question was?
-Fine.
"-A chapter no one ever wants to read.
This one is often called a reorganization bankruptcy.
Like JCPenney in 2020."
-Okay.
-Okay. How much did you bet, first of all?
-Everything.
I said chapter 7 bankruptcy, which is liquidity bankruptcy.
But the answer was chapter 11,
which is reorganization bankruptcy.
-Chapter 7? That's the famous chapter.
-I know!
-No one knows chapter 7! Liquidity?!
-So I got chapter 11 wrong, and chapter 7 bankrupted me!
I had to liquidate all my assets.
[ Sad tuba plays ]
-So you got chapter 11 from chapter 7.
-Yeah.
-[ Laughs ]
-Yeah, Jimmy.
-Well, did you learn anything from this whole ordeal?
-Yeah, I've been reflecting.
You know, TV is all about expectations,
and life is about expectations.
And when people watch "Jeopardy!",
they want to see a cerebral, quiet quiz show.
But I need to go to a place where I'm celebrated.
[ Laughter ]
I need to go to a place where the unhinged are accepted.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Where the eccentric are allowed.
Where cocaine consumption is encouraged.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy, that is why next summer, I, Hasan Minhaj,
will be taking my talents to "The Price is Right."
-Whoa!
-I'm going on "The Price is Right"!
-Hasan Minhaj!
"The King's Jester" is streaming now on Netflix!
Bashir Salahuddin and Diallo Riddle
join us after the break.
Stick around. Come on back, everybody! Oh, my God!