*Soft Jazz Music*
[Man narrating] "I've never been much for smoking"
"but taking a bullet to the chest will make you a lot less worried"
"about the slow deaths of the world."
"Long story short: I took a job I shouldn't have."
"They say the pretty ones will always get you killed,"
"but he was so damn handsome, I just couldn't resist."
"I was a frog in a slow pot of boiling water, or the first clown to get into the clown car."
"You don't know to get out until it's too late."
"One thing led to another and I found myself slow dancing with the devil in the moonlight.
"Except instead of leaving room for Jesus, he left room for a 357 Magnum."
"I won't bore you with the details."
"So I'll cut right to the quick: a lot of people died because of this man."
*clink*
"Mhrr.."
"William J..."
"Dammit. Come on!" *clink*
"William J. Barnum a.k.a. The Colonel."
"Just like the clown in my bat mitzvah, I knew he was trouble from the moment I laid eyes on him."
"And just like Bozo, The Magnificent, a lot of people died when he walked into my life."
*Echos of the Bozo laughing*
I've been chasing him down ever since. We were like two naked men running on the same treadmill."
"Uncomfortably close, but always just a step behind."
"But no one can run forever." *taps of chalk on blackboard*
"Especially not with 200 pounds of sweaty detective breathing down your neck."
"It hasn't been easy though."
"I can't count how many countries I've cornered him in."
"Couldn't tell you how many times I've had him in my big, strong hands." *detective grunting on stuck drawer*
"Every time I think I've got him for good, he somehow manages to slip away."
"But he's running out of holes to hide in."
"I mean that literally, metaphorically, and euphemistically."
"It doesn't matter how crafty you think you are..."
Abe: Mmm.. Mhm..*laughs* "If you've been on the run for years and years..."
Abe: Alright, perfect! ..Thanks. "Eventually..."
"...you're gonna make a mistake."
"Word of advice: if you're running away from your problems, never become too attached to anything."
"Family, lovers,.."
"..briefcases on top of your car..."
*Thumps of briefcase*
"Some things are best left behind."
"The Colonel's a slippery one, shedding names as easily as a snake sheds a few pounds before bikini season."
"He's gone through pseudonym after pseudonym trying to cover his tracks."
"But he always manages to fall back into the same familiar roles..."
"Drinking, fighting,..."
"...flirting,..."
"...dancing."
*Jazz Music fades into faster Disco Music*
*Disco Music*
"The Colonel was always one for the eccentrics, but his latest persona takes the entire cake shop."
"Wilford."
" 'Motherloving'."
"Warfstache."
*Anders Bothén – Boogie Down 5﻿*
*Gunshots*
*People screaming over Disco Music*
*Disco Music fading slightly*
*Anders Bothén – Boogie Down 5﻿ still playing*
Get your ass down here.
Don't move, asshole!
Show me your hands!
Not like that. Put 'em down!
*Gunshot*
*Static as Disco Music distorts and dies out *
Abe: Get down on the ground. Get down on the ground right now!
Wilford: Wh-why'd the music stop?
Abe: You're not getting away from me this time asshole. I said get your ass down on the ground.
Wilford: Do I know you, friend?
Abe: I said GET DOWN ON--!
What?... How do you not--?
Abe: Stop playing games. Get your ass down on the ground before I blow you right here, RIGHT NOW!
...away.
Wilford: Dave? Daaaave! Dave?
Dave!
Greg. Steve?
Bill? Dave! I knew I recognized you. How are you? How's the wife?
Abe: I don't have a wife. STOP stalling!
You're under arrest for the murder of way too many people to even count!
Wilford: Well, that's just ridiculous! I would never kill anybody.
Abe: Oh, is that right?
Well, whatever you say, buddy.
*Electric charge from taser gun*
Wilford: AHHOAhoohaaa...
*Clicks of a small chain*
*Soft Jazz Music*
Abe: You ran a real good race there, buddy.
*Abe trying to get engine started*
Abe: But it's the end of the road for you.
Abe: The law is gonna throw every book they have at you and after that,
they're gonna throw you in a cell and after that,
they're gonna throw away the key and after that, they're gonna throw that...
cell...
into a lake.
Abe, (inner monalogue): "But not before I throw a few things at him first."
"We're gonna play pin the tail on the donkey."
"But he's the donkey, and the tail, is my feelings."
"But I shouldn't get ahead of myself."
"I only get one night with him to fill the hole in my heart he left behind."
"It's finally time to get some answers."
Wilford (in Abe's head): "Did we date at some point?"
Abe: "No! We didn't date. The hole is a metaphor for when you shot me in the --"
Wilford: Car...
*Abe screams as a car horn sounds, tires squealing*
Abe (in thoughts): "Holy shit that was close!"
Wilford: "We could have taken them."
Abe: "What the hell does that have to do with-?"
Abe: How did you...? How ARE YOU --?!
(Abe, in his thoughts): "How many fingers am I holding up?"
Wilford: Four..?
Abe: "Aardvark!"
"Pumpernickel!"
Wilford: What are you doing? Abe: "Calabasas!"
Wilford: "Are you oookaaaayy?"
Abe: HOW ARE YOU IN MY HEAD?!
Wilford: Why are you shouting?!
Abe: "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"
Wilford: "YOU'RE STILL SHOUTING!"
*both screaming* AAAAHHHH
*electric charge of taser gun over their yelling*
Wilford: HnaAAaohh AAaAHh OoOOaH Ooahf nha-ah.. Ooah.. aah?
Abe: Enough games!
Your ass, is mine for the next 24 hours.
Abe: And I'm gonna take my sweet time...
...with that ass.
Abe: To get, answers out of it...
from you.
Wilford: W-well, I- I suppose I could stay here a while, get comfortable...*sigh*
Lovely place you've got here!
Could use a bit more color...
Abe: Enough!! With your bullshit!
Do you have any remorse?
Any remorse at all for the things you've done or are you too much of a coward to face your crimes?
Wilford: Well, there's no need for name-calling!
Words can hurt you know, you should be kind and courteous!
Abe: Name-calling, huh? *chuckle*
And, uh, what name, would you prefer, huh?
*clank*
*clank*bu-ftf*tssff*
*clank*clonk*
Abe: Is it...
William J. Butterfield?
Wilford (chuckling): Well- well now, that's a name I- oowww
Abe: Wilson Jackson Bartholomew the III?
Wilford: Well now I actually married into thaaa-at.. name...
Abe: Wingleheimer!
(softer) Wait, just... Wingleheimer?
Wilford: Alright, I may have been having a little bit of fun with that one- Oo-OW.
Abe: NAME, AFTER NAME, AFTER name after name!
Just, so you can distance yourself from the real name you should be called.
(softly) Murderer.
Wilford: (softly) Abe?
Abe! Abe, it's been years!
How are you? How are you doing? How's the family?
Abe: Oh, I'm doing just peachy, Buddy!
'cause I've been waiting a long, long time for this day to come,
so we could sit down, have a chat.
Catch up; good and proper.
Wilford: Wow...
There we all are!
Abe: How the hell did you do that?!
Wilford: We look so young!
Abe: You better get your ass BACK in that chair!
Also, how did you get your ass out of that chair?
You're gonna tell me, you're gonna tell me, how you got your ass out of that chair
so I can figure out a way to get it back IN that chair!
Wilford: Oh there's Celine... my heart still beats for her to this day!
But if she- saw me she'd probably carve mine out! *laughs*
Abe: What?
Wilford: (softly) How did you find all this?
Abe: I've-I've-I've... I've always had them! I've been collecting them.
Every single scrap of evidence this whole time so that one day,
*cocks gun*
I can bring you down.
Wilford: (softly) That's so sweet.
Abe: It's not sweet, that's sickening!
Wilford: Sickeningly sweeeet!
Abe: That's not what I meant!
Wilford: Look I am terribly, terribly, sorry that I didn't remember you.
Memories start to get jumbled after a while.
(softly) Sometimes I, forget even the simplest of things...
Abe: Oh, trust me. You'll have plenty of time to think about all the horrible things
you've done once they throw you in a cage, then throw away the key, and then throw that-
HOW THE HELL YOU KEEP DOING THAT?!
Wilford: Things get jumbled so easily! The when, the where, the why, the how of it all - and who can keep track of it?
I wonder what he's up to, have you seen him?
(softly) ...maybe I should stop by.
Abe: You seriously need to get back in the chair.
I- I- I- I- I've got more rope. Maybe that'll work.
Wilford: Eh, worth a shot.
Oh!
The train! Oh, I remember the train! How long were we stuck in the snow for?
Abe: What?
Wilford: Oh, you don't remember?
Ah, that's okay. Probably hasn't happened yet,
ohhh, but some of your finest work, I have to say.
A little spoiler alert for later to make it easier on you.
(whispering) We all did it. *chuckles*
Abe: I don't underST-Aa --!
*gunshot*
Wilford: Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush.
*kisses the barrel* Not now.
The grown-ups are talking.
Save that for later.
Abe: (quietly) What the hell's going on?
Wilford: Huh?
I don't really know. Honestly, I- I- I don't understand anything anymore... but I do remember you.
And I remembered that there's something I've been meaning to give you
after ALL - THESE - YEARS!
*Suspense music builds up*
*squeaky toy noise*
I'm sorry.
Abe: GET OFF o- MmM...eee..
Wilford: If there's one thing I've learned after all these years it's that nothing heals like a good apology!
Abe: I don't... understand anything anymore...
Wilford: Exactly!
None of this makes any sense! That's the beauty of it!
Abe: Beauty...?
What about any of this, is beautiful to you?!
What kind of- sick, twisted, SON OF A BITCH,
THINKS ANY OF THIS, IS BEAUTIFUL?!
Wilford: Now what did we say about name-calling?
Abe: YOOOUU KILLED PEOPLE!
SO MANY PEOPLE!
(verge of tears) You killed my friends! You killed my partner!
You shot... ME!
Wilford: Now, it SEEMS to me like you're trying to paint me as the bad guy.
Abe: (screaming) YOU ARE THE BAD GUY!!!
Wilford: (calmly) Okay, whoa!
Hey, whoa, time out. Time out. Time out.
Shhh... Uh, woah, hey! Hoo-hah hee-hey. Time out!
I get it, you've been hunting me...
For years, and years, and years. You've been chasing me, all around the world.
Uh... from bedrooms, to bathrooms, to ballrooms.
You've been chasing me and you've been doing a real bang-up job of it,
But, an- and forgive me, if this sounds ins- ULting in any way,
What would you say, our- Uh, o- our closest encounter was, before this VERY moment right here?
Abe: When was our closest encounter?
Wilford: Yuh-yeah.
Abe: Before this very moment?
Wilford: Yes.
Abe: That's easy.
It was when we...
*Abe falters*
When...
We, uh...
You...
Ye-Yeah ah, it was when you, um...
That's when you, um... *clears throat*
I was hunting you down, I was stalking you,
but you fled the country, to - uh...
Um...
All right, all right, yeah ye- ye- yeah, you were, you were off the radar for three years,
BUT! I got a hot tip that you had shacked up in...
Uh... in, um - ah...
You shacked up with...
In, uh... uh... with the...
Wilford: Three years... uh, what year was that, exactly?
Abe: What, what year?
Wilford (softly): Yes.
Abe: Well, u-uh, it was in, uh, i- it was in, um...
*Abe falters again*
It... was uh...
It was - um...
(softly) I...
I can't re-member...
I...
I've - uh...
*sighs*
I've obsessed over this case for - uh, years...
Every, moment of every day....
Spent trying to hunt you down...
So why can't I remember?
Am I crazy?
Wilford: No! No-no. No, no, no, no!
My friend, you are NOT, crazy.
Don't let ANYone, EVer, tell you that you're, crazy.
Y-you're just too focused on the minutiae of it--
The details, the who killed who, the who slept with who.
It- you're not focusing on the big picture.
Abe: It's impossible, to know things that haven't happened yet.
Wilford: Yes, exactly!
Just, like it's impossible - to survive a bullet - (softly) through the heart.
*faint echoing gunshot*
*piano song from the final scene of Who Killed Markiplier starts playing*
Abe, (inner monalogue): "This was all a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from."
"My heart was pounding Morse code in my ears, but I never learned the language."
"My mind was like a hamster ball rolling down the freeway -"
"no matter how fast I went I couldn't keep up with the flow."
"It was my first year of Clown College all over again and I--.."
Wilford: No, no, nope, nope, nope, no... no.
No drifting off just yet.
Listen, friend.
It was a bit of a shock for me, too.
Life needed a bit of madness, but...
(softly) why should death be any different?
But I think the stress, is getting to you a little bit. You need to unwind.
You're- you're a freshly born fawn, trying to find your legs in the world that doesn't make sense.
So, just for tonight...
Let's forget about all the- th- the chasing and, the killing and, the shooty shooty bang bang, "God, you're a murderer!"
*chuckles*
And just for tonight...(light static)
Why don't we...
have a little fun?
*piano continues playing*
*Disco music plays *
*ding*