Alright lads, welcome back to my channel, if you are new here, my name is Tom Harlock
and I do not have an intro, but I do have a vague understanding of the Gregorian calendar
And according to my calculations, it's 2021, baby! New year, new... Well, not new me
Open your eyes, boys, you can't improve on perfection.
You can however, roll a bollock in glitter, and that leads me nicely into today's video
With new years, comes resolutions, and for 2021
I've decided it would be a grand idea to allow for second chances.
And what better for testing my patience, than Snog, Marry Avoid?
It's a good job you're sitting down, Allison,
because 60% of the public thought you were too tarty
Crikey - it's quite nice not being the biggest b_stard in the video for once,
I'll tell you that for free
Last year, I declared BBC Three's make-under reality show the worst of all time
But for today's video, I would like to revisit Snog, Marry, Avoid,
in an effort to convince me that it's anything other than a big pile of bollocks
Last time, you lot flooded your basement over pirate-boy James
Will you shiver me timbers?
I'd shiver everyone's timbers, Pod
Shit flickers on that! Looks like he'd swing his leg and it'd end up in my gu
I got off throbber because it didn't get a copyright claim
And if I'm honest, I didn't have to plan bugger-all - I just sat on my fat arse,
indulged my scoliosis, and had a laugh
This is really nice
Wow, that's cool
I love Christina Aguilera in Shark Tale
Oh, God. Don't remind me. If I have to lay a single pair of eyes on that beanie ever again,
I'm gonna manifest myself an aneurysm
If you don't remember, and I'm sure you don't, because let's not beat around the bush -
We all suffer from trauma-related memory loss here, boys
A typical episode of Snog, Marry, Avoid looks like this:
A wild and wacky member of the British public is judged by strangers
I'd probably avoid her. She just looks scruffy
I look scruffy?
Oh, I think scruffy is put in a bit kind, love, if I'm honest.
Mocked by a British robot
Oh, you've got me cracked up
And last but certainly not least - judged by me
Before being stripped of their eccentricities, and made under into a plain Jane
You know like a bit-part character from the Big Bang Theory -
a Londis worker on casual Friday
and with that being said, I think all I can do now is pop in an Airpod
crack open my playlist of videos to illegally download from the internet
take a sip of my Red Bull, and judge some strangers onli-
be positive towards strangers online
God, this video is going to drain me init, boys
First up, Scotland's number o- Scotland's number one male Barbie gets a makeover
Yeah, if Barbie perished in a house-fire
Jesus Christ. If you're Barbie, does that mean I'm Ken?
I kind of feel like Ken in this outfit, I'm not gonna lie to you
Are you threatened and intimidated?
Let me know down below in the comments
I wanna know who's making the definitive ranking of Scottish male Barbies?
Surely they can't have much competition for it?
I'm going for a kind-of Beyonce look with my skin colour
B-Beyonce? Yeah maybe if Destiny threw herself down the stairs at eight months pregnant
F_cin' Hell, you're barely a Michelle, mate
This is foundation for black people.
I like my face to be very dark, so this is what I'm going to use now
I don't believe you're very aware of your race, young man
It makes you stand out in a crowd if you're the darkest one there
and I intend to be the darkest one there
How are you going to be the darkest person there when you're Scottish and white?
Are you going to a Klan meeting?
You shouldn't be advertising that online, sir
I got a lot - a lot - of attention the night I wore this
Attention? Don't dress it up mate, you can say hate crimes
I know I've got the body and the bum to carry them off
I love your confidence
I've worked at many-a bar in my lifetime,
and if I'm honest, I would charge this guy double the entrance fee
and then overcharge him for his drinks
and then under-pour them
Oh, you want a double, do you sir?
Well watch my back as I slowly pour this elongated single, and then charge you a tenner
Bloody Hell, what in the Tana Mongeau are those hair extensions saying?
I'm Scotland's number one male Barbie, and I absolutely love it
and I absolutely do not
Go and get your make-under done, you scruffy b_stard
I am POD
Bloody Hell, he sh_t himself
Well, it looks like he has. What's that running down your leg, mate?
Jesus Christ
I asked the public: Would you want to snog, marry, or avoid him?
I'd pick snog
Well, you are pretty deluded, mate
Let's be honest
I'd avoid him, he's very orange
Definitely avoid - as far as I could get away
75% wanted to avoid you completely
75?
Yes
Hardly a shocker, is it, mate?
Although, it is nice to know I wasn't the only person to pick up the Lele Pons palette
I'd recognise that p_ss-c_m transition shade anywhere
Looks like Ke$ha from 2009
Looks like Ke$ha if she decided to wake up, and instead of reach for a bottle of Jack to brush her teeth with
She went straight for the Oramorph instead
You are a fake-fanatic, orange-obsessed Oompa Loompa,
who needs my Tacky Tan Man to Beautiful Man makeunder
I don't know, love, it seems like quite a lot of wasted effort
At that point, shouldn't you just put him down and start agai-
joking
It is now time to peel back the orange, and reveal your real face
Bloody Hell, I knew Scotland was cold but I didn't expect to see frostbite
Look at those fingers!
Although, it could be rigor-mortis setting in
Sir, have you perished on the BBC?
Oh, mate. Man-to-man, you're not gonna be able to exfoliate that grubby little hole
Just chop it off - start again
Do a van Gogh, it'll grow back in time
I used to have my ear stretched back in the day
Got the scars to prove it, and everything
It wasn't that big to be fair - could fit a cigarette through it, though
Good party trick
Don't get invited to many of them anymore
Wonder why
I have never seen so much slap come off a human's face
Not the glitter. Not the non-biodegradable glitter
The oceans are screaming
Are you ready to meet the new you?
Yes, I'm excited
Me too, mate. Time for the make-under!
Swear down, if I see a single beanie or a cardigan,
I'm reporting this show straight to Ofcom
Run Phase 3: The Make-Under
What a shock
Fit check!
F_ckin' Hell
When you've got a Christening at midday
But at 5pm, you're crushing Monster Energys with the boys
He definitely looks cleaner, I'll give him that
I just can't get over the cut of those trousers
Honestly, I know f_reskin Freddy over here has no room to talk about the cut of anything
But I swear down, if this TV show does not retroactively employ a tailor
I'm going to riot on the streets
I'm about one incorrect hem away from laying spread eagle on Savile Row and
buggering myself with a fistful of knitting needles
Bit much actually, maybe scrap that one
POD thinks you look very handsome without all that orange tan
Thank you, POD
Yeah, because you're a b_stard lying robot, that's why
Has POD changed your opinion of natural beauty?
Definitely. Definitely changed my opinion on how I look
I mean - it's not too bad
It's definitely not the biggest hate crime I've witnessed on Snog, Marry, Avoid so far
I'm sad to report
I do feel like we could get significantly worse, so perhaps we should check out a lady?
Oh, this looks banging
Liberty loves it when you're judge her
Alright, darlin'
You dont have to ask me twice
Hi guys, I'm Liberty
Number 1 - please judge me
Tick
Number 2 - please hate me
Tick
Because, number 3 - I love it
Alright, let's get the show on the road, darlin'
Taking the liberty with this outfit, though, aren't you, love?
Once, she went out and she had fake tan - only to her knees
Bloody Hell
I know there's no such thing as two pretty best friends
But what happens when all of them are minging?
Beau is quite literally the love of my life
We shouldn't do that, should we? But we do
Found the Shane Dawson stan
To be fair, she kind of looks like Shane Dawson
in that photo he uploaded trying to convince everyone he could do make-up
And you lot believe him, as well!
Mugs!
POD, please, just one thing - bite me
No thanks, love
I've suddenly lost my appetite, and if I'm honest I haven't had my syphilis jab yet
I have collected every other ailment, though, like damp, scaly Pokemon cards
I had Pfizer on the phone the other day declaring my
bell-end a site of significant scientific interest
Just call me patient zero, baby
That is next level bright
22? Jesus Christ, love
You look haggar-
Aged
How long does it take to look this awful?
The face in itself takes an hour 45
An hour and 45 minutes? To look like that?
Are you taking the limp biscuit, darlin'?
It doesn't even take me that long to get ready, myself
And every time I'm preparing to film a video, it's like I'm getting ready for my wedding day
Let's run public analysis
I asked members of the public if they want to snog, marry, or avoid you
What do you think they said?
All cards on the table, I probably would marry Liberty in this outfit
But only so I could use her bun as a means of smuggling goods through customs
Go on, darlin'
Pop another sleeve of 200 Marlboro Gold up there, and be on your merry way
Well, I know they're gonna say avoid but it don't bother me
Oh, go on, darlin'
See, confidence isn't a bad thing
I get comments on my videos all the time suggesting I'm too cocky, and too arrogant
And to that I say: f_ck off
Because, at the end of the day,
you lot hate yourself enough for both of us. So why should I even bother?
I would avoid this girl because she's wearing way too much make-up
Well, that person can get over it
90% said they want to avoid you
Bit rude, init
Nicer than what I was gonna say, but still
It's time to run the deep cleanse
Why?
Because you need it, darlin'
You look like you stink
First of all, take off those ridiculous shoes
Stripper shoes
Get rid of them
Yeah, just toss them to the side, darlin'
They're not real, anyway - we can see you painted
the bottom of them with Barry M red nail-varnish, alright
POD's completely amazed at how beautiful you are under all that make-up
Glad you're amazed because I'm definitely not
Time for the make-under!
3..2..1..
Ooh, Mormon reveal
Why does everyone in this TV show look like they were born and raised in Utah?
F_ckin' Hell
No offence but, Jesus Christ, what you wearing, love?
She is showing a little bit of bra, though
...sl_g
How do you feel in this look?
Yeah, I do like
My b_obs look a bit bigger
I mean, it's not horrific
Lass looks like she's in top 3% of every pyramid scheme, though, I can't lie to you
Now, are you ready to strut your stuff as a natural beauty on the catwalk?
I am, indeed
Initiating PODWALK
Oh go on. I love this part of Snog, Marry, Avoid
Doesn't happen every episode, but when it does, it's a banger
Essentially, they're doing a big reveal to their friends and family
Have a feeling the mum's gonna love this one!
Little Mormon lass
I take it back. I'm getting very negative-energy off this mum, I can't lie to you
I love the hair
I would love some more makeup. But otherwise, I love it
What do you think?
To be absolutely honest
Oh, don't be honest, darlin'
Just put a f_cking sock in it
I think there's a happy medium between how she was when you first saw her, and this
Fiesty
She could look prettier with a little bit more makeup. Possibly not so buttoned up in the outfit
If my mom ever spoke to me like that, we'd go from a one-parent family to a zero
From broken to bereaving, you know what I'm saying
Have I just threatened my mum's life?
I love the outfit
Wow
Love the hair. Would love some more makeup. But otherwise, I love it
Oh, well. That's the main thing init, darlin'
I'm glad you're happy. I hope you don't go back to your former self
Actually - scrap that. Yes, I do, just to piss your mum off - spoil sport
Alright, moving on. I think we need to go and find another lad
Let's go on a cock-hunt, boys
Perfect
Boihanna - the male Rihanna
Course you are, mate
I'm Luke, I'm 20 and I'm Boihanna - the male Rihanna
Nice to meet you, mate
I'm Tom, I'm 42 and I'm me
and I'm from Harrogate
Luke from Harrogate reminding us why we need gun control
My getting ready routine is: Put my foundation on first,
then I'll probably put a bit more foundation
Oh, God. Listen up, yeah
I know the British public often rub the NHS
And our free healthcare system, into the American people's faces
But it is all swings and roundabouts at the end of the day, init
You lot get James Charles
We get Boihanna
He stands out and seems to get lots of looks, and he's got mixed colours and mixed patterns going on
The mums kind of sweet, though, isn't she?
Not sure what that lop-sided bob is saying thou-
Very tropical
If my mum ever described my look as tropical, yeah
I'd Gypsy-Rose that b_stard, I'll tell you that for free
I volunteer at Oxfam
I give some advice to the grannies for a little bit of bling
Bit of pink to make the boys wink
I like your thinking, mate
Bit of green, to make the ladies cr-
I do dance like Rihanna - probably better
POD, please help me out here
I want my best friend to wear less make-up than I am
I mean, I'm the girl in this
Alright, love, pipe down
Who put 20p in you? You're no Kevyn Aucoin yourself
I've seen better applied make-up to shotgun victims in funeral homes
And if we're going there - aren't girls supposed to be pretty?
O-M-G, I've just heard that a major celebrity - Luke, from Yorkshire - is here
Here he is!
Oh, piss off. I know you're the host of the show, darlin'
But you're the reason I don't like watching it
Oh, I need a brown paper-bag
You don't need a paper-bag, darlin'
You need to get a f_cking grip
Fingers crossed she has a panic attack halfway during filming,
and she needs to be replaced on-set
I'm supposed to be nice through-out this video, I've just remembered
That's gone out the window, hasn't it?
Luke, I think it's time that we did a little quiz to find out how much you really are like Rihanna
If you go out on a rainy day
Do you bring a pack-a-mac? Or an umbrella?
Cable-ties and a pen knife?
Do you like to take a curtsy? Or take a bow?
Oh, about half a gram, if I'm honest, darlin'
Takes the edge off
Luke - POD computes that you are completely blinging
But, your blinging is minging
Oh, that's tight
Time for the make-under, lads
Let's go!
3..2..1..
Well, at least it's not a V-neck, I guess, every cloud
I like the outfit. The outfit's cool, because it's quite, like, Essex-y and dapper
Yeah mate, extremely dapper
Honestly, just give me a full-length trousers, I'm not asking for much, love
Oh, look at that pocket-square
Tropical
The bling has gone
Yeah
Now, the natural look is shining like a diamond in the sky
In all honesty, it could be worse. No ballbag hat in-sight
So, I'll count my blessings and all that
Let's ruin this good feeling with one last make-under
Using chicken bones as accessories
Well, this lad looks like he chews embryos for breakfast, so I guess he'll do
Hi, I'm Tommy, I'm a Fashion Student from London, and I put the fun in funeral
Alright, mate! Oh, my God, of course your name's Thomas
I can't catch break
Put the fun in funeral? Put the fun in f_ck-off, more like, lad
I would get called Edward Scissorhands, Michael Jackson
Ed-Edward Scissorhands?
I wouldn't go that far, mate
Maybe Barry Butterknife Fingers, or something, yeah?
I love to make accessories out of bones
Why not, eh?
I don't make them out of human bones
I make them out of chicken bones, unfortunately
Unfortunately? That's a bit unsettling, lad
I've got my chicken, I'm just gonna eat it, and then I can start making something to wear tonight
Is that it?
It's a lot of work for that, init? Bit of tat, really, mate
This is my outfit for the evening
I'm not sure if Snog, Marry, Avoid has just completely obliterated my taste-level
Or if this outfit's not actually too bad?
If anything, this show goes to prove that fashion comes in-and-out
And around-and-around
Take this for example:
God, it hasn't been popular since.. 20th of April 1999
I am POD. Is it Halloween?
No, POD
I mean, I might take that back
Underneath these studio lights, matey boy looks like he OD'd five years ago
I think I look nice, POD. Don't you?
No
I asked the public: Would you snog, marry, or avoid this boy?
They should want to snog me
Mate, come on
They're not gonna find someone to sh_g you unless they use a Ouija board
Power of Christ compels you, and all that
Did Christ compel you to make chicken-bone applique?
Not gonna lie to you, mate, I feel a little bit let-down by the bone apparel
If you're going to do it, you might as well go full balls-to-the-walls
I want a full three-piece-suit made out of babies' femurs
Actually, scratch that
Play
He's a bit odd - a very strange person. I'd definitely avoid
It's time for the make-under,
and I feel a little bit nervous - a little bit on edge, I can't lie to you
Because whenever a lad on Snog, Marry, Avoid has long hair and he doesn't want to cut it
They end up slapping that ballbag beanie on, and I swear down if I have to lay eyes on that beanie
Kiss goodbye to that rubbish Halloween costume
3..2..1
Run the make-under
Not the cardigan - not the beanie!
Anything but the beanie!
Erm - hello
When it comes to make-up, less is more
A good moisturiser is all you need
Thank you, POD
Thank you for your hard work
Don't thank her - look at what she's done to you, mate!
Made you an extra out of Shark Tale!
I think that's all the time I've got for today's video but thank you so much for watching
Let me know your thoughts and feelings on the make-unders down below in the comment box
If you want me to make more videos on Snog, Marry, Avoid, I'll happily do so because the
b_stards at BBC Three don't understand the idea of copyright claims - cheers, lads!
If you enjoyed this video you can leave me a like to have similar videos on your homepage
And if you want more from me in general, you can click Subscribe
If you miss me in between uploads,
follow me @tom_harlock on Instagram, and I'll see you in the next video
Thank you so much for watching. Bye bye