MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN MAKING HIS NETWORK LATE NIGHT
DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME GARY VIDER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> THANK YOU GUYS.
THANK YOU.
YOU GUYS SEEM LIKE NICE PEOPLE.
I'M A PRETTY NICE PERSON MYSELF.
I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A FIGHT BEFORE.
MY ENTIRE LIFE, I'VE NOT GOTTEN IN ANY FIGHTS.
I'M YOU BE DEFEATED.
I WAS CLOSE TO GETTING IN THE A FIGHT RECENTLY.
I WAS AT A BAR THAT WAS VERY BUSY.
A GUY WALKED RIGHT INTO ME, STEPPED ON MY SNEAKERS.
NATURALLY, MY REFLEXES KICKED IN, I APOLOGIZED.
I SAID I'M SORRY.
HE MUST NOT HAVE HEARD.
HE PUSHED ME, RIPPED OFF HIS SHIRT AND SAID, WHAT, YOU THINK
YOU'RE HARD?
I SAID NOW I AM.
I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS TO HAPPEN.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M NOT A TOUGH GUY.
BUT AS A GUY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TOUGH.
I HAD THIS GIRL ASK ME, SHE GOES, IT'S LATE AT NIGHT, I LIVE
IN A ROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD.
DO YOU MIND WALKING ME HOME?
SURE, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T MIND WALK MEG HOME RIGHT AFTER THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT DOES SHE EXPECT?
I'M 5'6".
THIS IS IT.
THIS IS MY BODY.
THERE ARE NOT MANY OPTIONS FOR SHORT PEOPLE.
I SAW A COMMERCIAL FOR THESE THINGS, THEY'RE SHOE INSERTS
THAT MAKE YOU 3 INCHES TALLER.
IN A COMMERCIAL THEY SHOW A GUY 5'6" TALKING ABOUT A GIRL.
SHE WOULDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM.
IN THE NEXT SCENE, THEY SHOWED WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF HE
HAD MAX TALLS.
SHE WOULD HAVE HAD SEX WITH HIM.
THAT'S QUITE THE TURN OF EVENTS.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S THE ENTIRE COMMERCIAL.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE, LIKE, IT'S SMOOTH
SAILING FROM HERE.
BUT I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
IT'S NOT.
BECAUSE ONCE HE GETS HER IN BED, HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE OFF
HIS MAX TALLS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THERE'S GOING TO BE AN
UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENT WHEN SHE SAYS TO HIM, WHERE ARE YOUR
LEGS?
( LAUGHTER ) I'M MARRIED.
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ABOUT A YEAR.
MY WIFE TOLD ME -- OH, THANK YOU, GUYS.
MY WIFE TOLD ME SHE GOOGLED SIGNS YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN
TROUBLE, WHICH IS A PRETTY BIG SIGN OUR MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S TOUGH BEING MARRIED.
NEW RULES POP UP ALL THE TIME.
PRETTY SURE SHE MAKES IT UP AS SHE'S GOING ALONG.
THE OTHER NIGHT, I GOT HOME AT 11:00.
CAUSED A FIGHT BECAUSE I TOLD HER I WOULD BE BACK BY 10:00.
SO NOW I OVERESTIMATE A LITTLE.
BEFORE COMING HERE SHE'S, LIKE, WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK?
I WAS, LIKE, FEBRUARY.
( LAUGHTER ) WE WATCHED FOOTBALL TOGETHER THE
OTHER WEEKEND.
DURING THE GAME, MY WIFE SEES TOM BRADY.
SHE GOES I DON'T FIND TOM BRADY VERY ATTRACTIVE.
MY WIFE COULDN'T SEE THE BEAUTY IN TOM BRADY, BUT SHE COULD SEE
THE BEAUTY IN ME.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS AT THAT MOMENT I KNEW SHE
COULD NOT BE TRUSTED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE HAVE A NEIGHBOR, HE'S NOT VERY BRIGHT.
WE HAD A BLACKOUT SIX WEEKS AGO.
MY ENTIRE STREET LOST POWER.
DURING THE BLACKOUT, HE TWEETS ON HIS iPhone "IT'S LIKE THE
1800s OVER HERE.
I HAVE NO ELECTRICITY ."
( LAUGHTER ) HE TWEETED THAT.
ON HIS iPhone.
I FEEL LIKE SOME OF YOU ARE HAVING A HARD TIME FOLLOWING.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY WAY IT WOULD BE LIKE
THE 1800s IS IF I WALKED OUT OF MY APARTMENT AND A GUY ON A
HORSE TROTTED UP TO ME AND HANDED ME A NOTE THAT SAID, IT'S
LIKE THE 1800s OVER HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE NO ELECTRICITY.
P.S., I THINK I HAVE SMALLPOX.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, THAT NEIGHBOR'S NOT
BRIGHT.
HE WAS IN DENVER NOT TOO LONG AGO.
CALLED ME WHEN HE WAS THERE.
HE GOES, GARY, I WENT TO A MARIJUANA DISPENSARY, I BOUGHT
50 SOUR PATCH KIDS WITH MARIJUANA IN THEM.
BUT I'M FLYING BACK TO NEW YORK TOMORROW.
YOU SMOKE A LOT OF POT, YOU FLY A LOT.
DO YOU KNOW HOW I GET THESE PAST SECURITY?
I WAS, LIKE, GO TO A CONVENIENCE STORE, BUY A POCKS OF REGULAR
SOUR PATCH KIDS, TRANSFER THE ONES WITH MARIJUANA IN THEM INTO
THE REGULAR'S BOX AND YOU WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM.
THE NEXT DAY HE CALLS AND GOES, GARY, I'M BACK IN NEW YORK WITH
THE SOUR PATCH KIDS.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I COULD DO THAT.
I SAID, NO.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I COULD DO THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU GUYS!
>> STEPHEN: YOU CAN SEE GARY REGULARLY AT THE COMEDY CELLAR
HERE IN NEW YORK.
GARY VIDER, EVERYBODY!